Advice for Stupid People

You cannot learn how to breathe under water.

Knock with your hand, not with your head.

When you are hungry and have some money, use it to buy food rather than eating the money itself.

When waiting for the bus, wait for the driver to stop and open the door before you get on.

Humans, even really light ones, cannot fly. Do not throw people.

Can anyone help me out here?

 

Dont eat the brown acid.

 

steal copper pipes from construction sites if you're not too stupid. and panhandle on the side. Steal a dog and pair of sunglasses everyday. at the end of each day sell the dog to a vietnamese restaurant, then back to work on the copper. By the way let me know how that works for you. I'm writing a book about idiotic squallor.

 

Never pet a porcupine.

 

When throwing things at other things, try not to aim for something directly over your head.

You cannot access your thoughts through your ear.

People are not staring at you out of admiration.

 

Catching snowflakes on your tongue is fun. Golfball-size hail, not so much.

When playing soccer you can bounce the ball off your head. Do not attempt this while playing baseball.

If someone is throwing a javelin and asks you to catch it, don't take them seriously.

 

Snowshoes will slow you down when playing basketball.

 

This thread is so full of wisdom.

 

You can never catch a rainbow, only appear to catch one to others.

 

SHHHH! Let him dream.

 

Light birthday cake candles from back to front.
Don't shave with a lawn mower.
Don't wash floors with cough syrup.
Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.
Don't snap towels at passing cops.
Don't throw an angry cat straight up

 

Never let anyone who isn't a cop put handcuffs on you.

10 pounds of flour makes a big biscuit.

Don't be a jerk JUST to be a jerk. Have a purpose so at least your life will have some meaning, even if you're a jerk!

If you can make her laugh, you can make her moan.

Don't bum weed off people.

Prime numbers aren't about meat.

Don't be a prime target.

Do check into rehab if it means staying out of jail. Jail sucks, the food is lame and the sex is violent.

If you have a step-mother, and she had a child before marrying your Dad, and then she and your Dad had another child, it places you 4th in line for giving a crap about her when she's old and senile.

If you're running away from home, you'll probably be raped by someone you barely know, no matter what your gender is.

It is illegal to drive a rental car on a dirt road or across the border into Mexico.

Don't try to remove a hoodie while you're driving.

Chemicals are a fucked up high eventually. Use them as an occasional treat, not a daily problem.

Don't steal from old people.

Don't ever think you are more important than your children.

Very few cars are works of art. The rest are just machines that will some day be melted down to make lawn furniture. They are not investments, they are just a way to get around.

Lottery tickets are like a tax for not paying attention in math class.

Martha Stewart is a convicted felon. She can never own a gun. She can only vote in a few states. She will likely never be able to adopt a child. Dating services will screen her out. Every court case she has from now on will be tainted making it unlikely she would ever have a fair trial again. Face it, she's screwed!

Just because it's hard doesn't mean she wants it. Pushy isn't sexy.

If you stink, people will avoid you.

Racism is lame in ANY direction.

Even if you finish high school, without a skill you compete with people willing to work for the minimum wage or less. Keep learning.

CF

 

- don't squeeze wine glass wondering whether or not its plastic - it'll break. (i've done it)
- dont cut your telephone wire with nail cutter because you want to find out if it would cut it or not - it'll cut. (i've done it)
lol
- dont pour salt on slugs.
- dont dip your hand in boiling water.
- dont sit down in the middle of the highway
- green means go
- red means stop
- turn the hot water on if the waters too cold
- dont smoke a blunt infront of a police station
- hats go on your head
- shoes go on your feet.

 

When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.

Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.

Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls

 

Eat shit until your cancer consumes you.

 

Hike faster when you hear the banjo music.

 

LOL indeed..

interesting tips though

 

o man i love this thread,
-dont eat shit if someone tells u to
-dont take everything literaly
-dont listen to bush's BULL SHIT!!!

 

dont attempt to put out a roach in your friend's mom's car with the window rolled most of the way up... it will probably fly back in the car and burn the car seat.
Lolercopter~!

 

Dont swim with polar bears.