Hello, I'm 19 years old and I've considered myself straight up until last year. Now, I'm just not certain... I know orientations shouldn't matter, but I want a word for what I am. I feel so different from straight AND gays, I just can't figure myself out!! I'm just going to spit everything out that I think might be a contributing factor, so I'm sorry if it sounds premature. Maybe somebody here can help me? I was neglected as a child so I was pretty feral. The most human contact I had was while I was in school. My mom has extreme bipolar disorder and has drug problems and my sisters are catty bitches. I've really only been able to get close with my brothers out of my family. I have always had best friends that were boys (mostly gay). I've also always been competitive with boys when it comes to strength/sports and have been self-conscious by the fact that I was a girl. I love to do my makeup, but I don't like to curl my hair or wear overly feminine clothes other than fitted jeans. I can't explain it, but I guess somehow I feel like it would make people perceive me as weak. I find women like Winona Ryder, Angelina Jolie, Natalie Portman(short haired), young Sigourney Weaver and Michelle Rodriguez absolutely HOT! They don't appear worldly, they seem strong and independent and still look absolutely GORGEOUS under a masculine facade! But I am not turned on by imagining sex with them. Though, I've never tried it. I like sex with men. Which brings me to another idea... All the men I'm attracted to turn out to be gay! I went to a gay club with a friend of mine and I have never seen so many hot guys in my ENTIRE life! Part of me feels like a masculine gay guy inside a girl's body and it's so weird to me. You can imagine what that does for me when it comes to playing the straight game. I'm not what guys want! I dress down, play video games and idolize Bruce Lee! I'm even considering getting a mohawk, but I'm scared people will label me a lesbian, when I really don't even know. I go to art school and the gay community here isn't shy. I don't want to give any ladies the wrong idea... Or do I? Should I try it out? What am I? If I'm not into chicks, but i want to look 'butch,' what does it mean? I'm wondering if maybe I am a lesbian and I just don't know it yet.
From what you've just said I don't think you're a lesbian. There are plenty of straight girls that can say other girls look hot but if you're not physically and emotionally attached to them and don't get excited by the idea of being with one, then you're not a lesbian. Have you ever thought of the idea of being transgender? As you said you feel like a gay guy inside of a girls body. Maybe you are. It might be more comfortable to think of the fact that you may just be a man inside a woman's body. And that's perfectly okay. You are who you are, labels or not. Try not to think in the terms that sexuality is black and white, but entirely gray. Anything is possible when it comes to who you are and what your sexuality is. Just be you hun, who cares what other people think. And if you "look" like a lesbian and get hit on by other women then take it as a compliment. When someone says they are attracted to you, it should make you feel good about yourself, male or female. I say just take a good, long look at yourself, figure out what you're most comfortable with, and just do you. I hope this helps.
