So, I recently came out to my friends and I have a question about the response that they gave when I told them. A short bit of history is that I met this friend at work and he, his girlfriend, a mutual friend, and I started to hang out a lot. We've been friends for the better part of 3 years now and it seemed about the right time to come out to them. Our mutual friend moved away and since then the other three of us remain good friends. I'm 26 and have just decided to come out and I figured the best people to come out to first were these two (the friend with a girlfriend). Now we're all on good terms here, I hang out at their house a lot and play videogames with the two of them (all of us are avid gamers). The two of them have a very close relationship and have been together for many years, they only don't get married because they have a personal opinion on the matter. Anyway, I did a letter thing over dinner one night and a few days later, he gave me a letter from each of the two of them and a day later, we talked it out. What bothered me was that in his letter, he gave me essentially a threatening ultimatum (that's how I see it anyway) that went like this: he wanted to clear the air just to be safe that I understand that we are only friends and that if I could not respect that, we would have to agree to go our separate ways. My first response to this was obviously disappointment; we have been friends for a long time. I won't lie, early on in the friendship, I knew he was straight but was definitely open to the possibility which I'm sure people kinda picked up on. But that time has long since faded and I really do view him as only a friend and never anything more. I never encouraged it, never did anything incredibly inappropriate, and was always respectful of their relationship. This is probably the biggest reason I figured it was the right time to come out to them. Probably my biggest fear about coming out was that in my mind I would cease being me in the face of others and become some gay archetype losing all substance. That no longer guides my thoughts as I care less and less what others think of me but it is important to me what my friends think of me. That one line in his letter basically confirmed that fear. Even to my best friends, they didn't trust that I understood that basic limitation. They blamed it on the fact that his girlfriend is extremely jealous and they had to make their point very clear. I understand that and I recognize their concern but I asked them if they thought there might have been a better way to put that point without having to threaten me and I got a sideways/dodgy answer essentially. So my question is: Am I overreacting and should just let it go on the basis of a knee-jerk reaction to my news? Or am I justified in being upset that they disrespected my ability to behave as an adult just to defend their relationship from someone who has no interest in dismantleing it? It's important because the answer basically speaks to how they view me as a friend, that's how I see it anyway. Some third party advice would be appreciated.
Jealousy is a very primal emotion, the girlfriend is operating solely on instinct. No matter what words are said, its not you she doesnt trust, its him And if thats the case now its not going to change, in fact its probably going to get worse the longer they are together If you want to continue hanging out with these two, you have to include a fourth party, a male or female friend of yours. Cant be your boyfriend, that'll make things worse, either she'll get more jealous, or the novelty will get her more excited and thus her boyfriend angry and jealous. As for his response, thats really just male ego getting in the way, safer for him to assume you want him than he admit he may not be hot enough for you even if he's not at all interested And no you are not overreacting, I've been there before plenty of times, girls are very sneaky and straight guys are morons
I think Vanilla Gorilla pretty much got this one. I had str8 friends in rural Mississippi of all places, who accepted me as bi in the late '60s and even visited me in New Orleans and found me in bed with a guy the next morning that I picked up in the Quarter. We were very close and into philosophical discussions late into the night, where they got my more urbane take on things. I don't think either of them ever knew my perv fantasies, of the three of us getting it on. Or maybe they picked up the vibe and were flattered by it. But, now that everyone's feelings are out in the open by these letters, I would try to let it go and enjoy the friendship as long as it lasts. Yeah, sometimes friends take separate paths, parting on good terms but just parting.
first off -- i think you should've done it face-to-face. it's much easier to understand what people mean when you see their reaction unfolding in front of you, rather than reading an overedited letter afterward. right now, this doesn't help, what's done is done, but maybe for future reference. secondly, it seems they are the ones who are overreacting. i don't see that such a response was called for at all. no matter how you look at it. it's an obvious exaggeration from their part. it sounds sort of defensive, and the most likely reason seems to be that the girlfriend is insecure about her relationship with her boyfriend. it might have even been her insisting he made such a point clear to you in the first place. that's what it looks like from here. but if the reaction is his alone, then that might imply insecurity about his own sexuality. like i said, had you said this face-to-face it would be much easier to deduct this. my advice is to just keep on hanging out with them like you used to and see how it goes. if they bring it up again, it's clear they (or one of them) have some sort of problem with it. also, if you get along well with the guy, you might wanna talk to him alone. nothing major, you can just say something like 'you know i'm not like that, right?', just to get an assurance and see his reaction without the girlfriend present. if he's OK then it was the girlfriend who had the problem; if he's uncomfortable/evasive/etc then it was him. it's always best to do these kinds of things in person.
To update a little: the responses they wrote were each written by themselves and no input from the other. They told me that they didn't read each other's response. His response was his own and he said that he wrote it in thinking of his girlfriend. Also, they told me they wrote them kind of in a hurry so no incredible editing or thought went into them. Her response didn't even mention him and me, in that light anyway. This is what they told me. After reading your responses and thinking about it, maybe his response wasn't even about me. They often seem to use any opportunity to speak to their relationship, to reinforce to the other that they remain committed to each other. Maybe that's what he was doing at my expense. @Shale, I thought about that a little. Maybe the friendship was destined to end, but at the same time, I don't think that this is big enough to end a non-casual friendship over. I feel like I'm being petty but not at the same time, the implications are large to me. I will agree that sometimes it seems that their relationship teeters on a bit of a dangerous codependence. But my follow up question becomes what kind of friend do I have if they can so casually break me down to provide themselves with selfish gain? I'm oddly having a rough time thinking this through so I apologize for that. I'm doing my best to not think crazy and blowing the situation out of proportion but it bothers me because I feel I may have made a mistake in choosing to come out to them first at the time that I did. Thanks for reading and responding.
dont over think the situation if this relationship no longer includes you find one that does fit you? easy enough?
The problem with coming out on in general is that it puts the others in a bit of a hot water, if they choose to view it that way. A guy who is uncertain about his sexual orientation is more likely than not to adopt a very defensive line. He feels compelled to reinforce the notion of his being exclusively straight at the expense of a guy who comes out. A str8 dude would simply shrug with his shoulders and say, "dude, you do whatever rocks your boat, and I stick to doing what works for me". The situation is even more complicated due to the possible co-dependancy of your friends. Your being sexual in any way can be preceived as a possible threat to their strained relationship, too. Say, you were str8, successful, etc. You told them all of that. Would they panic for the fear that you may be after the female? Probably not. Because the girl has got an upper hand, and more likely than not, she wants her options open. You do what feels right for you. If my friends reacted that way, I'd seriously start looking for other people to hang out with. SC
