Am I really *in love* or just... dependant??

So he hurt me. But I hurt him more. And I still want to be with him.

He has problems... but I don't care.

I have changed *majorly* for him... it was hard but I think it's worth it.

After 4 years, I'm still not interested in having relationships with other guys, I may be attracted to some but I wouldn't cheat on him, I still dream of him and 99% of my sexual dreams are with him... I can't fantasize about someone else... and I think of him as my best friend ever.

Without him, I feel empty, useless... unhappy in general

I've moved mountains for him, left pretty much everything I had behind for him... and I don't regret.

He doesn't need to talk for me to know what he wants to say... well I think he's my soulmate, we're so alike... but at the same time, what we don't have in common, we balance it!

I want to spend my life with him.

So am I in love? I think I am... I don't think I'm dependant although some people seem to believe so... if I was dependant, I'd be dead already since we're broken up If I was dependant, don't you think I'd forget about what I really want for *myself*? But I don't... if all I want is to be with him, it's because I just love him and feel wonderful with him... even if he's not any good right now... I BELEIVE it'll pass, and don't mind going through hard times. I want to help him... is that dependance?? Seriously, what do you think?

 

Also... does the fact that I forgive him (not always easily... but still) means I let him step all over me... or does it simply mean I am loving and understanding? Do I seem like a fool, to you?

Some things I know would break me apart. Some things he'd do, I know I wouldn't forget. Ever. But forgive... it's possible... I feel so much compassion for him, it's like... I don't know. I just love him, I guess?

 

Oh and if you ask me reasons why I love him... I can't give you any, cause I just don't know.

 

...am I obessessed? Or just determined? I think I'm sane and very determined... I think I want to be strong and keep something great from being destroyed forever... because I believe in it... am I naive?

I really don't know... I feel like so many people think of "optimistic" people like me as naive... but I know what is going on, I'm not an idiot, if it wasn't gonna work out I'd know it, like... I'm intelligent and very thoughtful! I think it's him... and some other people, like his mother for example... who are negative, sour, unenlightened.

If I'm telling you about my doubts it's because there are so many bad vibes around me they're getting to me and therefore starting to make me doubt.

Do you understand what I mean?

 

Naive?
No-it is just LA AMOUR CHE MUOVE IL SOLE EL ATRE STELLE.
Just heal and be well and know your friends are all sending you good thoughts and healing OK?
When your feeling better and you guys work it out-come up to Woodstock and hang out.
You guys always have a place to come and the lights always on.
Love-Light and Peace Uncle Wiz

 

thank you *hugs* We'll come, I swear!

 

I don't know the whole story...

but I don't think you're a fool. You're just someone going through hard times, is all. So you keep on forgiving him - that doesn't necessarily make you a human doormat.

 

thank you... well... he thinks I'm too nice, too forgiving, that I keep giving him chances... what does he want?? Me to be a bitch? He'll complain then! I don't know what he wants... why are men so complicated? I mean, young, unexperienced men... and also why was he more mature when he was younger? What he's going through doesn't make sense, it's like... he didn't have a normal adolescence so he's having his big crisis now because he was an adult when he should have had fun... I don't know... but I don't mind going through it! Shit it's just a phase... I know it is... I know this guy by heart and people just don't change for the worse. They change for the different, or better... but when it's worse, it's a phase. And whatever, I love him anyhow! Why is he so complicated can't he just accept my love even if he thinks he doesn't deserve it and believe that I am gonna be strong and amazing for him now???? Anyone doing magic here? lol I'll pay you if you help me... Or is TIME gonna do its magic and I just have to be patient...? But one thing is for sure I'm not giving up and I refuse to let people tell me I have to move on. I have moved on anyways... I've fixed so much, if we get back together I want it to be a fresh start, from zero.

 

By the way anyone thinks that if he fell out of love for me... IF he did... that he could fall in love with me again? Do these things happen? But how could he just stop loving me like that... after 4 years... and we've only been broken up for 4 months...

 

Most men do want a strong woman who will challenge them. You were probably a challenge while he was trying to change you and you no longer are. Anyone who wants to change you should raise a red flag anyway unless you are being self-destructive. No offense but you come off as a little obsessed and needy. This can be a real turn off. I would say focus on you for awhile and don't even contact him. He might decide he likes you when he realizes that you might be really gone and not just waiting or he might not and then you have your answer.

 

How do people fall out of love after 30 years, it happens. It is possible that he still has feelings for you but I think you need to get away with no contact and let him work out whatever it is. If you seem needy now it will just push him further away. Also you are providing with the security that you will always be his back-up if he wants. I don't want to feel like anyones back-up.

 

He wasn't trying to change me at all though... I was the one who was trying to change him... and I didn't realize I was unfair, and had a lot of problems to work on...

However... I rarely contact him anymore. I let him come to me... and I definitely won't be his back-up... like I'm nice and understanding and all, but if we start over, I'll make it clear it's gonna have to be serious... that he really wants it... and for good this time. We were engaged... and in the first place, we broke up because he needed "space" to organize his life - which was a mess - a bit. But it was so hard for me the first couple months that I kinda blew my chances... my being disgustingly immature and desperate... but several things happened that made me open my eyes and I've changed. Now will he believe/accept it? I hope so

 

I am always cautious when someone tells me they have changed. It usually means, I have changed for the time being. People just don't usually change who they are and what they do. He didn't break up with you because his life was a mess. People don't break up over such things usually. If you are letting him come to you then stop. You are either broken up or not. Just say that you accept that he wants something else for his life and quit talking to him. If you want tell him to contact you when he is serious about the realationship. Get out there a meet some new people. I know it is hard. Whatever the outcome don't let yourself be so dependent on one person for your happiness.

 

You don't understand though... I didn't change who I was, I became who I was AGAIN. I was sick with nerves problems for a good while, and had very low self esteem which made me jealous. I was traumatized when I was a kid... it's a long story... but basically, first couple years were great, then I became sick, then he became depressed, and it just became impossible to have a healthy relationship.

Btw I know SO MANY people... I've experienced so much, and if I decided to stick with Nick, it's because I've seen the rest of them and I seriously can't relate. I fell in love once, with him, and I'm a very, very picky girl.

 

Also I'm not needy... I'm just angry... determined to fix this situation because it has to be fixed. It shouldn't be this way. Nick has gotten extremely bitter though... I've hurt him A LOT with my tantrums when I was sick...

 

You sound obsessed. I mean, probably really in love at the same time, but obsessed.

Back off. Stop thinking about him so much. Make your fantasies with a faceless person instead (other people are harder than just sort of generic manliness). i know you said you dont reach out to him much, keep that up. MAKE yoursel fstop thinking about him so much.

 

Well me being "obssessed" with him isn't new then... I guess I have been since the beginning, 4 years ago...

 

I think you love him but I also think you need to find a way to live your life without him (for now). Consuming your days with thoughts only of him 24/7 isn't healthy.

I was in a similar place you are now. My husband and I dated on/off for 3 years before we got married. The 2nd to the last break up we had lasted 4 months. It about killed me. I weighed 98 pounds, sick all the time, depressed. While this was going on he was traveling the states, partying, having a blast. I dated but no one was him. I wanted him! The last break up I finally said I was done. I had to stop doing what I was doing to myself. I really felt stronger the last time. A week after we ended it he asked me to marry him.

We've been married for almost 11 years. It has been a very good marriage.

I think the biggest thing for him was making the commitment. He needed to get it right in his mind and do a few things before he was ready to be with me. I HAD to give him that space. Plus if I had been in his face bugging him all the time things wouldn't have worked out the way they did.

If you need therapy go. Get yourself stronger. If you and Nick are meant to be you'll find your way back to one another. Live your life in the meantime.

 

Honestly...this message goes for anyone that is reading this...Penny isn't going to listen to us...she has an answer for everything.

Call me insensitive, but...you keep saying "You don't understand"...well HELP US UNDERSTAND. You came in here asking questions and you have a rebuttle for any answer anyone leaves.

It doesn't seem like you are satisfied unless we see it your way. Well, guess what, not all of us are going to see it your way...because it's obvious a lot of us think you're going a little overboard.

I think you're being obsessive. And that's probably why he left you.

 

Yeah but also many times when a fellow person is hurting you have to let them talk it out and do it among friends.
That's what she is doing right now and we can all give her advice but the key is to give her a hug and some love right now since she's raw and hurting.
So her not doing what we say is OK.
She's yes going to do whatever she in the end decides anyway since she is Penny.
Thank God for that too.