Big Girl Insecurities

This is a really long one, but I'm freaking out and need some SENSIBLE opinions.

I'm 31. I've never been with a guy. I exude the best friend vibe like it's going out of fashion, but I have never actually properly dated a guy with anything that went further than a meal and good friends...never even had that first kiss.

Just over a year ago, I had to work with someone via email in another town. We never met but we quickly became friends and exchanged emails in a flurry. Later we swopped mobile/cell phone numbers as the emails got more and more numerous back and forth, all day long. We got on really well, and 4 months later we tentatively exchanged pictures. He said he thought I was pretty (I was extemely tarted up), but I saw his picture and I swear my heart skipped a beat. I wanted to know everything about him.

One problem though - he was with someone, and I made it clear time and time again that I didn't want to be the cause of a breakup. I bought her into the emails and exchanges a lot. Partly to comfort myself in terms of trying to control my feelings, and partly to suggest that maybe he shouldn't be that suggestive with me, if he was with someone.

Then one night we actually talked...a rarity...it started out text sex and moved into phone sex, but signal problems his end meant that I couldn't really hear him. I was gutted, but we still had fun.

Next day, we reassured each other that we were both ok and we became closer, as a result, and began sharing more intimate details about ourselves. I began panicking about the GF. I was worried about the fact he was so intimate with me in his head...was he cheating? Then the texting began to get limited to working times. I began to feel like 'the other woman'. I hated it - it really messed with my head. I was feeling real heartache...stupid as we had never met.

Anyway, roll forward to now...he is single. Texting is on intensely, and suddenly he's off - he disappears for a couple weeks now and again. Then I mentioned a movie, and he said was it a subtle invite. I told him we could catch a movie if he wished to join me (I always really really wanted to be asked out by someone I really care for - to feel I dunno...just special, I guess...oh well). So we have agreed to meet very very soon.

I have seen via picture messages, how errr....male... he is, but since that 'first' night, it bothers me that his texts are 98% about sex, and often says he wants or needs to F..k me. Ok I admit I do lust after him, and have wild dreams about him, but I really want to experience a normal relationship first. It has crept into my head that he may be after me for one thing, and I'm actually really scared about it.

I asked him about that. I told him that I don't want to be just a 'bonk buddy'. He said he it would never happen because he liked me as a friend ages before any sexual feelings..... only he doesn't seem to have noticed that all he really texts about now is sex, and to tell me how much he wants to do me. It is a massive turn on, what he writes, but its all about sex.

He is really sweet. Tells me we'll take it all as slow as I need, and that I don't need to worry about anything, none of my insecurities are an issue for him...and he can't wait to take my virginity, and make it special for me. He asks what I expect and want and what my thoughts are on how that would happen. It's nice that he's taking time to do that...but I'm so scared and insecure about everything. I DON'T want to be a 'bonk buddy'.

I also have issues about my body. I'm a big girl...about 17.5 stones, with extra padding on my back and under my breasts. That I hide under clothes. I don't consider my body as beautiful and my tummy hangs down a little further than would be considered normal. He's never been in contact with a big girl before me - never mind hugged one. He talks of being able to 'play' with me intimately, in risky places, like back row cinema stuff, and while it definately has an appeal...My thighs and my tummy definately block that. I've checked! lol! And I have wonky teeth.

The last guy who touched me, to give me a hug, felt my two back packs as I call them. They aren't huge, but they are there...and he spent the rest of the 2 hours I stayed, telling me how disgusting it was, and how I should diet and excercise. I didn't think it was an issue - clearly it cut a little deeper than I thought.

I was bought up being told by my family, they were ashamed to be out with me, as I tend to look scruffy quickly no matter how much effort I take, and I hate it that I never look feminine. I was also bought up being told I'm ugly...and that I'm not interested in men (Ha! I sometimes think I'm border line, virgin, nymphomaniac!)

I am meeting this guy...but I've shed so many tears since agreeing it's wearing a little thin, and my sinuses hurt really bad. I know he won't pressure me into anything. I've told him about my concerns, and that I ain't about to give it up first time I meet him anyway, he knows all that.... but I don't know what to do about my insecurities.... and what if he wants to kiss me! I don't know what to do... I feel like a total freak...and I am so really scared, I've actually been sick.

If anyone can put my feet back on the ground...if anyone can give me an idea if I'm an idiot who will treated like the 'bonk buddy' I sometimes feel, I've become...if anyone can tell me the good and bad points/tips and tricks of sex with a big girl.... God! I would love to hear from you! HELP !!!!

 

If you shave them legs, and clean up a little bit you might haver more luck honey. I am just saying a little grooming goes a long way.

 

^ whatever


to the OP, im gonna strongly suggestyou see a counsellor over your bodyimage issues to see if they can help you out. you dont sound that overweight but it does sound like some people have been -very- cruel over you not being shaped like people in hollywood, which is completely uncalled for on their parts.

i think as long as you talk it out with him, make sure hes aware you want more than just sex in the relationship, it should be fine. have you told him that his texts read like theyre almost exclusively about sex? do you guys talk on the phone and such too, about other things?

 

trimspa babbeeeeeyyy

 

Okay, fuck you to the two men who have posted.

It sounds like you've got your head on straight. I mean, you've realized early on all of the warning signals of a "bonk" buddy-ship begining...most women let their emotions get in the way. Go YOU!

But don't go into this with that mindset either...I mean, sex IS important..and you two have sex in common. Since you've never actually come face to face with him, is it possible that just might be the thing he's most comfortable talking to you about? Maybe he's just that comfortable with you, maybe his last gf wasn't really intimate so he's trying to make up for lost time now that he's found somebody who's receptive...

I don't know. Just go into this being your beautiful self and keep your head on straight like you've been doing.

And be proud of the way you look. I'm pretty sure that your lack of experience with men is based more on your insecurities than your appearance. I've seen men flock around big girls who love themselves and shun skinny girls who have zero confidence.

I know it's oversaid, but confidence is key.

**edit** Okay, I just looked at your gallery...and though you only have parts of your body posted and not a full shot of your face or anything...you're GORGEOUS! What do you have to be so self-hating about?! Those EYES!

 

No fuck you. I am being genuine. There is room for all types of girls and guys, but if you dont shave your legs that is nasty as hell; I am a certified leg man, so that is my opinion. I know I am a guy.

 

jinny i would like you to PM me. im a 21 year old male who has never dated a "normal" size person as you put it. both my gf's have put on half their body weight while dating me. i dont know if its me but believe me there are more guys like me out there who think your beautiful. i do agree with lionman80 with the smooth legs very sexy, but if a man is to be with you he has to respect you how you are.

its like these stick figure girls who pound on the makeup and go clubbing... sure a guy might think your hot but in the morning when the makeup has gone is he still going to want you?


my opinion girl is go in there as YOURSELF and be YOURSELF. stay natural, then if he comes back for a second or third date with no sex on the cards then if you wish get into the shaving areas of your choice.

im just saying i would prefere to meet a woman in her natural state THEN see changes then see her changed and be shocked when she goes back natural.

if he see's you and doesnt return he is an asshole and you will find someone who will love you deerly.

p.s i couldnt imagine life without sex... for starters i wouldnt have my daughter... oh i miss her and she only in the next room

 

I agree about a pound of makeup. I hat when a woman puts so much on her face starts to melt when she sweats. Big girl or not, isnt too much of an issue. I mean hell most people are overweight these days, but here in America hairy legs on a woman is not ever going to be accepted by most guys or girls for that matter. Being natural is very important in many ways, but I have to draw a line somewhere.

 

I agree about a pound of makeup. I hate when a woman puts so much on her face starts to melt when she sweats. Big girl or not, isnt too much of an issue. I mean hell most people are overweight these days, but here in America hairy legs on a woman is not ever going to be accepted by most guys or girls for that matter. Being natural is very important in many ways, but I have to draw a line somewhere.

 

Thanks for your replies. Lionman80...thanks for your opinion. Respected.
I can't shave. I have a medical condition that would increase the condition, and he knows about it. Yes, he may well feel repulsed when he sees my legs for the first time (that will be a long way down the line anyway) and thats fine - heck I don't like it, but he knows all about it, and has said he's ok. He said it's a part of me, and it's ok. I've come up with an ingenious plan, and he loves it....black stockings with lace tops! hahahaha! The arms, I could bleach so its not so obvious, and well...I'll think of something for the rest. That side of things doesn't bother me right now, because I keep covered up all the time anyway.

What I'm worried about is how he'll feel about the extra tyres. I mean, if you've never touched someone on the back and you feel it...well...I don't want to go through that same cussing that other guy gave me...but I know, only he will be able to answer that if it happens.

And the texts are so hot... and while I'm reading them it has an 'effect', but I can't help but think....that simply isn't possible!...how is it possible?...he isn't that big (well I think he's perfect...he himself worries about what I'll think about him, I can't see the problems, from the pictures he's sent me! lol!) and I can't see how the things he describes are possible when I'm of a thicker stature.

And I worry too about, what to do, if he does try to kiss. I mean, I've been telling the kids I volunteer for, when they've asked - "relax and it will happen naturally" now I'm thinking I'm an idiot...that advice sounds rubbish!

My head is so all over the place right now...and I dread to think what I'll be like in a couple days on the eve of the date! Eeeek!

 

Thank you all for your replies... I really am very grateful to hear your thoughts... I need my head straightening out so other thoughts are very very helpful, to balance out my own!

Huggiebear, I have PM'd you. Thank you!

 

My Bad!!

 

by the sounds of things, he is feeling the same way as you hunny

we all feel this way with someone new. we put all our "bad" point over in our head and thing we are crap. when infact some of those things attract people to you.

dont give up.

 

As another man who likes women a bit more Rubensesque (which is grammatically correct since his name was Rubens) don't change a thing. Beyond that, if you're changing yourself to meet someone else's ideal, you're not being true to yourself, and somewhere down the line you will regret it. Regret festers into anger and we all know what that means.

Just be you. Trust me, if not not this man, someone out there wants you.

 

hello jinney
well as a fellow big girl i have to reply to this one. i to am paronoid about my weight im 36 and 16 stone, but im tall and bloody georgeous. i have never had a single day since loseing my virginity and have been married twice. i am now with the best guy in the world who is 13 years my junier and have sex all the time and love each other more then anybody i know.
yes i am very lucky and this is because i excued sexuality. i am confident, sexy and have red hair so im naturally full of fire.
only last nite when i was out with my partner, we were sat with the lads like i always do and im like a pot of hunny and the bears want to have a taste of me. because am fun and witty and sexual. sex appeal doesnt come from being thin and haveing nice hair and nails. its deeper then that it comes from within.
but im a faithful girl, and me and my man know that no matter how much the lads want to fuck me there is nothing better after a nite out going back and fucking each other all night the sex is amazeing.

why am i saying it like this well my dear, you just have too try a little, its a shame about the legs, but i have psorisis so i have to hide that. but my personality is good so it makes up for that.

listen hun. men love a woman who can be confident, sexy, can cook, fuck and have an intrest in what ever he is saying and you could a cast a weave of enchantment around them to which they cant escape.

you go girl and be sexy, so what if its just sex, cook him food, put on them stockings and ride him rodoe stile. and if you get on with him who knows you may have a boyfriend.

love and luck fellow big girl

 

here here, well said

 

im not tryin to be a dick or anything but in all honesty.. if you wanna complain about your lovelife because you are too big, why dont you get on some sort of excercise plan and diet, and do somthing about it? there is still hope you know, its not the end of the world. From what i have read, it sounds like you really hate the way you look, and you will never be satisfied with yourself untill you actually get up and do somthing about it. and i dont need any of you people striking back at me with anger because you think i am insulting her, so fuck off before you even reply .

 

I felt bad about myself. So I lost weight. I had huge huge problems with my self-esteem. So I lost weight. And now I feel a million times better. Not 100%, but alright.

So lose weight if you don't like it.

Honestly, it's probably going to not end up so good, if you're looking for a good committed relationship. It sounds WAY too much like stuff I've been through. He'll have you for a while, then move on. You'll be like renting a movie he's already seen. If you just wanna bone the guy, and you're confident that your feelings won't get somehow twisted up and mixed in with the fantastic sex, then you're in the clear.

But take my advice with a grain of salt. I'm a jaded bitch.

 

everytime i see people complain about their weight and sob over it to people about how shitty their life or love life is because of it is and how they cant help themselves, it makes me sick.. i actually have a vision in my head everytime, from that movie nutty professor when he pours that jar of m&ms in his mouth and crys.. it makes me think of that. now go GO GO GO you can do somthing about it. not tomorrow, now..

 

but she isnt here saying help im not a twig... she is saying how her insecurities might be stopping her from having a wonderful relation ship. in a way she is asking us... would we consider dating her or someone like her. and i can tell you 100% of normal people would. its only the very few assholes who marry for looks or money, and look what happens there. almost all of them end up single or devorced or cheating.

thats the difference between lust and love. lust is fun but in the end we all desire love.