Can't stay hard

Help!!

My 27-year-old boyfriend can't stay hard during sex. We get him hard, then he goes in, lasts for a bit, and pulls out, soft. I try to get him hard, he goes back in, and the cycle repeats. At this point, after a few attempts, I just give him a hand job or blow job until he finishes. He always makes sure I come (but lately that seems to be more MY responsibility than his), but it's difficult for me because I'm constantly worrying how long he'll last until he goes soft. When I get close, he goes soft - very frustrating!!

Because of this, I feel like our sex is all about him. He's either inside of me or waiting for me to get him hard. This is pretty much every time we have sex. I was pretty inexperienced before him (a couple of stupid drunken hookups) so I guess I didn't realize that this was unusual, but now it's become a hindrance to our sex life. We don't really talk about it, because the few times I've tried, he just seems really upset with himself. I can't bring myself to ask the hard questions - "Has this happened before me?" and "Have you talked with a doctor about this?" We have no problems talking about anything else, but this is SO touchy for men.

Sometimes, though, he stays hard enough but comes quickly - far before I've come, and within a couple minutes. He'll go down on me after, but my orgasms are much better when he's inside of me.

As for him, he's healthy - works out constantly and is in excellent shape. Meat eater, no caffeine, plenty of sleep. He does drink quite a bit - at least twice a week with friends - but the sex I'm describing is totally sober. It's not a problem of with or without a condom - we've done both. He has morning wood every day and usually masturbates once a day. I know he's attracted to me because he tells me all the time - everything from my face, to my body, and my personality. I've tried lingerie, different locations, different times of day, dominant/submissive...

 

OK, if he gets morning erections, and gets hard to beat off and even gets hard momentarily to enter you, then it might not be a physical problem.

Assuming he's done other girls, has he had this prob with any others?

If not, then it is something the two of you have to work out, perhaps with counseling from a sex therapist.

Oh, and if he has had the prob with other girls, might think about if he's ever tried guys.

 

Thanks for the response.

I haven't directly asked him if this has been a problem for him before me... The problem is that we just don't talk about it. I realize that I need to get the balls to talk about it, because he sure isn't going to bring it up, and a sex life involves two people. I hope that if there was something about me that affected our sex life that he would bring it up.

Last night when this happened I was like, "Hey, talk to me. What's going on?" and he said, "I'm just frustrated. I'm no less turned on than any other time." So I suggested we take a break. A couple hours later we tried again, and I got off, but he got soft, so I just gave him a handjob until the end. The problem is that this was the first time we really talked about it at all; it's not an isolated incidence, more like the norm. This is just making it really fizzle...

I've asked him about other guys - definitely straight. Hasn't even kissed a guy.

 

i've had this problem and i find it easy to talk about... maybe cos the reason is cos i've been on drugs a lot the time it happened.

maybe he isn't attracted to you or sex isn't his kind of thing.

 

He's drug free and loves sex. Ogles my body all the time.

I think he's just psyching himself out, worrying too much, which doesn't exactly help the situation.

I guess what I'm looking for would be some advice on where/when/how to talk about it...?

 

I think the bold text may be the core issue.

Daily ejaculation is not sustainable indefinitely for most men. Ejaculating too much can leave men drained of their sexual energy.

I would recommend that he stop masturbating. Masturbating is not always a bad thing, but when he doesn't have enough sexual energy left over for intercourse, then he should probably give it a break.

If he ejaculates only during sex, and tries ejaculating only once or twice a week at most, his sexual performance should pick up.

Another issue though may be that he is preferring masturbation to sex. That could mean lots of things - performance anxiety, problems in the relationship, etc.

One thing that you could try is squeezing your vaginal muscles during sex (kegel exercises). This should help keep him hard and increase pleasure for both of you.

Visiting a sex therapist might be a good idea too.

 

well i see conflicting views on masturbation, some say the more you do it the easier it is to cum. to me if if i wank it actually makes it easier to cum in sex.

 

Oh, and as far as talking about it goes, that can be tough, especially if he is awkward/avoidant of it.

If you could give him a magazine article or book that discusses the issue, he might be able to just look at that on his own.

 

If you can't discuss it then the sex life is pretty crap cos i thought that was the main way of having good sex, good communication. think your bf needs to realise this.

 

hmmm... maybe. But the problem here is not that he's taking too long to come, but that he's not staying hard or coming too quickly.

I think if men masturbate slowly, they generally have fewer problems with premature ejaculation. So masturbation can be good training for sex.

Too much ejaculation of any kind can leave men drained though.

 

i find if i have sex too hard or fast then it just makes it incredibly hard to cum, maybe you're pounding him too hard?

 

Hmm... I'm thinking sex therapy is WAYY too soon - we've only been dating for half a year and are monogamous but not super serious.

I'm thinking I'll just have to deal with this head-on - the next time we're just hanging out at his place I could be like, "Hey, can we talk about our sex? You always make sex really good for me, and I want it to be really good for you to, but a lot of the time you're not able to stay hard for very long. Is this something that's happened for a while...?" and kind of go into it that way. I'd rather avoid talking about it in bed when it happens, especially since that's going to make a psychological problem even worse. Ahh, it's just hard, because he doesn't take any form of criticism well, and I think that's what he'll think this is...

 

True... I think if we don't talk about this soon then things might start getting sour. Again, it's always good for me, but this makes sex last FOREVER (not in a good way, but because I'm constantly trying to get him hard again).

 

well if he does take it as criticism then i think he's being unfair and i think you should express this.

 

Most of the time he's on top (or behind me) since me being on top is hard if he's only semi-erect and it fizzles quickly... So no, I'm not too fast or too hard on him.

 

He must stop masturbating and stop drinking and see what happens, also he might like anal sex giving or receiving, ask him he may get super hard for it.

 

If you and your companion are in a sexual relationship - masturbation should be out if he intends to have a fulfilling relationship with you. Guys can only come so many times. Each time drains some of their sexual energy. Sorry - that's the truth of the matter. If he cares about you he will give up wanking his pistol when he know you two are going to be intimate. Tell him so. He needs to be aware of your needs!!

 

Alright... Must talk with him ASAP about this. Any good suggestions for how to talk with a guy who doesn't do well with any form of criticism? I really don't want this to be a damper on the relationship in general, but I know it WILL be if we DON'T talk about this at all.

 

There's probably something subconsciously up with him. Maybe he's worried he'll dissapoint you.

 

Ask him why he masturbates everyday

I agree if he masturbates every day I bet he is fantasizing about someone else besides you, men, women, transsexual, goat, sheep or even himself.
If you ask the right questions by thinking about them before you ask you will get a picture about what is happening with his subconscious.