Child collecting coal

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by Smiling_Rose, Feb 2, 2005.

  1. Smiling_Rose

    Smiling_Rose Member

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    She trudges across the crispy grass,
    The dew has not yet hardened,
    But the blades themselves seem stiff
    With bitter fear of the aging evening.


    She swings the black bucket,
    She drags it through the rusted leaves,
    She uses both arms, muscles tensed.
    It’s heavy, not plastic. Metal.


    It need to be metal, she thinks, she ponders.
    Her grimy hands, stronger than most,
    Grip the shovel. She stands, her ironically
    Pink
    Shoes are turning grey.


    A photographic moment, caught by camera,
    or words,
    the green evening light, her skin glowing orange,
    if she’d noticed.

    The dying tree, the moulded, orange-peel soil,
    The vivid evening, the frozen smells.


    She trudges back, backwards, digging her pink heals
    Into solid ground.
    She doesn’t drag but hauls the load, leaving
    Deep tracks, brown wounds, black tears, in the
    Shredded lawn.


    She might have cared,
    If she’d noticed.
     
  2. VanAstral

    VanAstral Member

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    very nice!
     
  3. fulmah

    fulmah Chaser of Muses

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    Excellent job with the imagery! It could use just a little tightening up, and you'll have one stellar piece... thanks for sharing it... I enjoyed thoroughly :)

    My favorite lines... love the technique on that last one especially.
     
  4. Smiling_Rose

    Smiling_Rose Member

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    thanks very much for your nice comments! :D
     
  5. Firebelle

    Firebelle Member

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    Love the last five lines, and the way the last two lines are seperate...that adorable little couplet which finishes off the poem perfectly.
     
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