Cutting Feels Good, but I know It's Bad

I just wanted to get this off my chest without making me look all emo to my friends, so I'll just tell it here...

About 3 years ago I started cutting, In 2 days I had 6 cuts, then 14, then 18. I just kept cutting. That is until my mom noticed my arms. So she sent me to a shrink. And I got better. Life was great until about 2 days ago; When I took some .7 lead and scratched my arm until I bled. And today I did on on my ankle.
(and yes there are reasons as to why I'm cutting agian, but they are too numorous to list here)

Sad thing is, I feel better afterwards. I like cutting, it makes me feel awsome, now matter how bad I felt before. It's like you feel shitty, and you cut, and it's white hot bliss. Like a high I guess. My shrink says that when you cut your brain sends out a natural pain killer, and it is possible to get addicted to this natural rush.

It seems to me I am getting addicted to cutting. And I don't care. I've never felt better. But since I'm spending time typing this, I'm asuming some part of me feels guilty about what I'm doing.

However, I am looking for a differnt way of felling better, that doesnt have to do with drugs or sex or booze. Like is there something else I can do to feel better after a bad day? If anyone wants to post a comment or pm me, I'd appriciate any help.

(Sorry for any misspellings! I swear I'm not stupid!! )

--Leki

 

i started cutting at 11 or 12, little cuts though and then this past year i completely escalated and now my right arm is marked by scars and so is my right outer thigh....
i swore to like, just the whole world i was surrounded in that i wouldnt cut anymore. and i did for 2 months and then.. this saturday i did it again.

i know what you mean or i can "feel" you when you describe how you feel about cutting...

i cant keep cutting- my mother would kill me again if she found out and it would cause problems so i'm probably going to just do it in secret when i really must.
but looking for another alternative?

well i never was much of a writer and i dont want to sound emo either.. but i bought this little blue notebook and just have jotted down descriptions of my friends or my work or school.. now i write a bit more about whatever i feel- like i wrote my will and a letter to the world that it should only read after i'm dead.. and i made a list of things to do before i die...this sounds SO cliche because you'll probably take that pen and paper and then stare at the white of the surface i'm advising you to write on.. but once you start it's not that bad.
i'm not some dan brown or jk rowling.. i dont have a big vocab or feel like i have deep thoughts but i find this helps all the same. maybe it'll help you?

 

Ahh...the cutting....don't you love how when life gets to be too much, and you feel like you just can't move on, you can slice up you body and all the pain and distress seems to flow out of you right along with the blood...
Well, as far as other methods of stress relief go, you could try meditation, turning to religion, exercise, breathing slowly....personally, I'm addicted to cutting myself...

 

I've never cut myself on purpose. So I can't really say this, but cutting is bad.

You don't need to worry about being "emo". Its not bad to have emotions and share them with people.

Probably, the best thing you can do to releave stress is to talk to people, and exercise (if all you can do is take a walk, then go for it).

Theres a million things you can do to make your life happier... but I don't know where to tell you to start.

 

Wow, I've thought about writing a will, and a 'read after I'm dead' note too! I also have a list of crazy things I want to do in my life, for example, I'm gonna buy a half gallon of choc. ice cream and eat it while watching tv when I get my first apartment.
Thats kinda ironic...

 

Hey, how deep do you have to go to get a permanent scar? I'm in the process of getting a sleeve done (tattoo) and I thought a few self inflicted scars would be a nice addition to the art.

 

hey,

I am a self-harmer... I have been self-harming for five years... its gotten worse, then its gotten better then worse.. it goes round in a cycle for me.. the sad thing is that when i'm desperate to cut i will use anything... stones, toothpicks, knives, razors, nails... anything... I've been seeing a counsellor for three of the five years.. they discharged me a few months ago, and the self-harming still hasn't gone away... I've been fighting with this and i don't know how much more i can take.. I'm not implying suicide.. i've been more times than i care to remember. but just knowing that I have a fiance,family and friends who are willing to support me in this decision makes me feel secure in the fact that it wont go too far and that hopefully one day I shall recover completely... although i do have to say- self-harm is the only way that i can control my emotions, and let me deal with the shit life throws at me... so for now i'm not going to quit.. but i will offer support to any fellow self-harmer who feels trapped and in need of a bit of friendly support...

Keep Rockin'!
Peace
Shadow M
xx

 

I like to use the razors from the disposable shavers: they're small, straight, sharp, and I can normally slice up my fingers when I'm taking those thigs apart.

 

learn to play guitar or some other instrument. i fucking hate cutting, its so stupid. just learn to do something that will take up time and make you happy.

 

Yeah I used to listen to Slipknot full blast in my room and jump around and shit (from my couch onto my bed, off of my woofer-box onto my bed, and just smack my head on random objects. It always seemed to leave me with a smile on my face once the song was over.

As far as cutting goes Leki, I would just smoke a fat bowl. Marijuana can get you out of most emotional ruts I can think of. Just try it, and maybe you'll forget all about cutting yourself

 

have you ever done it yourself?

 

well?
so write all those things!
get the creativity into flow.

 

disregard this post

 

Yeah, I've never cut, but I've almost done it a few times...

If you like fast music, like what Twizz said about slipknot, go to a show and jump around the mosh. Going to shows and moshing kept me sane for a while, then I started smoking pot and listening to phish, so now I'm a bit too mellowed out to mosh =P

I saw on TV that they gave kids rubber bands to snap on their wrists instead of cutting. Dont know if they actually do that or how much it helps, but I guess its worth a try. Though I doubt snapping a rubber band would be the same as cutting.

 

What would you write in those things? If you want, we can share in a PM or something....sorry if it weirds you out, but I'm really interested in death and all things relating to it.

 

Interesting about the natural painkiller thing...

Try crying. It also plays with your brain and does something similar to a drug, even though I forget what it is now. Balances hormones and seratonin I think. Exercise can do this too. So can a really good organic plant-based diet...

 

i hate the site of blood, even the thought of some one i dont know cutting themselves makes me feel downright nasty.

 

I'm bleeding everywhere right now, I just broke a Sobe bottle on the concrete and used the shards of glass to slice my skin open.