Depression/Boredom/life

Everyday when i wake up its like i dont even know why im here im just depresssed/ bored i dont know what to do, id say im a recluse i dont like people because of all the drama and stuff, i have my own drama in my head it just goes a mile a minute. im sorry if im all over the place but im just writing. see i just dont care about anything i say my lifes motto is 'fuck it' and everyone tends to agree. when people go out to town (i live in a small trailor park about 8 people) i dont ever go i just sit around or walk around in the woods sometime when i walk to the waterfall i consider just running off the side and killing myself just for something to do. i have all these dreams and aspirations its just im the kinda person i need a list to get things done and ive tried writing my own but i just blow them off. ive been in therapy for since i was 5 (now 20) so i know pretty much all the tricks in the book.

i dunno there just isnt anything really for me to live for im so bored here on earth maybe dieing will give me something to do. i mean i am bi polar, ADHD, and odd (opositional defiance disorder) i had a decent childhood i dont think theres any unsettled childhood issues. i have all these plans to go places, make stuff, etc but i never go through with it i wouldnt say im lazy i just dont see the need to do anything that wont have an impact i guess you could say. i need a sign or something so i can continue this miserable existance of life, there is just no happiness in being a realist looking at society and life. what is there to live for all the people dieing, political coruption, disease, famine, you name it. im just tired of people and the excuses of humanity i want to believe there is good in this world but so far i havent seen any, everyday can be summed up to fuck it i dont live for the future i just live day by day, i dont own a phone laptop or anything but a tent sleeping bag and some clothes. now im not bum but i guess i live like one i like to call myself a free soul.
pretty much i just feel like life is boleshit so why should i be here, i havent asked for a single thing and yet still given myself to help those who all they do is ask. i think karma just has the idea to fuck me over and over till i just do something stupid.

anyway if your still reading im sorry about the length and bad grammar but im just typing whats going on in my screwed up head.

 

See a therapist!?
In reality, the only one that can change your outlook is you. You have to MAKE yourself feel better. It's hard to explain. I use to be depressed, I had to get tired of being depressed and tell myself to stop wallowing in my self pity.
Good luck my friend. I know it isn't easy.

 

somedays i do 'make' myself better and have an optimictic outlook and tend to do things with others but mostly i just see why i should life is shit so why shouldnt i feel like shit.
thats what my mom would say sometime 'stop wallowing in selfpity' i dunno i dont think its self pity but then again your the outsider view point so i guess i should take that over mine

 

Medicines helped me. Nothing else worked and I've tried everything. It still isn't perfect but in my case it was just chemical imbalance. Now I can go back to things that for no reason I was getting worse and worse in. Music, micro-processors programming. I think more clearly, can focus, etc. etc.

Go see therapist. A good one. Pay more but choose the better one. Mine is a professor in psychology and psychiatry.

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Whats worst in depression is that you do not realise how really bad it is, unless you go out from it. If he will prescribe you good drugs, you will see extremely huge difference. You might be little slowed down or sleepy, but you will be in a good mood and you won't feel so shitty.

 

see since i have been in therapy for a while ive been prescribed pills like aderall ritallin depakote risperdall abilify all at high doesage (not at same time) and some testers i dont rember and they would just make me feel really weird and i would gain alot of wieght on depakote i gained like 75 lbs. i just smoke weed that helps alot when i got it but since i never really have money or never in a place long enough to grow it, its hard.
but i do really want to see a psychologist or a therapist i think it would definatly help just by having someone to talk to every now and again

 

You see, talking doesn't really solve the problem. It just helps you for a short while. Every honest therapists will agree on that. (unless you talk with him while being in a therapy, so obviously he wants to have his client)

I'd say go see someone with good reputation.

Active ingredients in mine pills are venlafaxine and trazodoni hydrochloridum.
(They have different drug names in every country)

 

but that takes money and unfortunatly i dont have but maybe 20 bucks to my name i dont like to have any it just burns a hole in my pocket.
are there places that does things on a pro-bono? basis

 

I don't like medication. I was on clexa and adivan. Now I try to keep any chemicals out of my system like that. They don't cure the problem, only give you a fake feeling.

 

you have to use them for a long time, like 2-3 years, then they will make permament changes in your brain chemistry. If you stop taking them early all the bad things will come back.

If you have pneumonia, you stop taking drugs in middle because they give you false feeling that you are not sick?

 

ya i took em for atleast over a year or two at max dosage and then i would get switched to something else. and like you said they make permanent changes in your brain i just dont like how it sounds. i had to do some community service at a recruitment office for the army and i was talking with the sarge and he said some brain diseases are just manifestations of mind such in my case and in some ways i believe that

 

People that don't know chemical clinical depression and the true effects of how medication can impact a person are the ones that often say they reject meds.

I've been on cymbalta (selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor) and lamictal for a number of years. It brings me out from under the fog of depression to allow me to be me. It is great to engage in my hobbies and interests, and fully experience the joys of motherhood, career, and other aspects of having a full life.

 

see that happens when i smoke weed specifically kush it makes me get out there and actually do something, meet people etc i was supposed to be put on cymbalta but at the time i was to young for it then they started putiing me on some test drug

 

They fix the damaged parts, heal what is broken and bring joy and happiness to your life.
Sounds better now?

Because it is a drug. Would you say amphetamine is a good choice because you are able to do a lot of stuff when you take it?

 

amphetamine is different for me i just makes me clean shit the whole time im geeked. but ive read studies about the satvia strain actually does help depression

 

Sure you can always assume that you know more than some doctors who dedicated their whole lifes to psychology. Doing drugs while depressed is also a very shitty idea.

 

ya i no it does have its affects but pills tear you intestines up but i do respect the docs for coming up with wat they do. see if they had a natural pill i would probably take that without a qualm

 

Well, you have to choose between minimal intestine damage, or fucking up the rest of your life.

 

true but without money i cant evn buy the pills i need so that'll be another problem ill have to worry about

 

Each of us has a purpose in life. Try going to church talk to God, tell Him everything & believe that he is listening. I don't know if you believe in God but why don't you try it anyway you will not lose anyting. Try to ask advice from a Priest or a Pastor. I'm sure you will be enlighten afterwards. Just try, it may help it.

 

Felling pathetic is certainly a condition of acting pathetic. Trust me I've DEFINITELY been there. The more you wallow in your suffering, the tighter its grip will get. And the less interest you show it, the less power it has over you. So when you say, "fuck it", you must not entirely be abiding by that ideal because something is obviously getting to you.

Now, I'm not saying you're just being a sorry excuse for a human being and that's the whole of your problem. But illness does not manifest itself inherently. It is caused into being just like everything else. I cannot understand what has conditioned the mindset you currently have. Only you can do that.

Something that has always helped me is tracing the source of my ailments and facing it. Seeing it as a separate phenomenon that I have come to let influence me to a bad extent. This helps me get a better grip on who I really am and how the things in my life manipulate my ego.

And finding a passion can be a destroyer of harsh depression. So long as you really are passionate.

Remember, using a mind over matter technique to combat depression takes a lot of willpower and, likely, years of practice. In fact, one really needs to completely engulf their entire life in that kind of way. Abiding by it to the fullest extent. Many people, or. . most people with a disorder aren't willing to change their lives so significantly and simply use a catalyst to help. Just be mindful of what catalysts can do. Some can send you deeper into the depths of your disorder and some will only mask it. And they CERTAINLY do not act in the same manner for everyone.