I wasn't quite sure whether to put this in this forum or in love, but I thought I could get more answers from people who're closer to my situation in here, so here goes. I got together with my boyfriend last year, and three weeks later found out I was pregnant. I was going to get an abortion, but once I saw my baby's heart beating in that ultrasound, I realized that was impossible. So nine months later we have a beautiful baby girl.... I guess the problem is now my boyfriend and I are at each others throats. When we get along, it's great... but it just seems like that's happening less and less. I've lately been starting to doubt our love and it scares me. It's just a lot of the time he's just downright mean to me and for no reasons. All our friends have even noticed it. So here's my problem. What the hell should I do? All of our friends have kids and none of them are still together with the other parent. I really don't want to be like that. I want my baby to have both parents there for her, but at what cost? And another thing is if I left him, I don't know if I'd be able to survive financially... quite the pickle.... Anyway, if any of you have been in a situtation like this and survived it, I'd love to hear how. Any other advice would be much appriciated. thanks
Staying together simply because of the child is not healthy. Should your beautiful baby have to grow up seeing her parents fight all the time? Being apart doesn't mean that she will never see her father. I'm not saying that you should definitely breakup, but you need to talk to him. Make sure you two are on the same page. Do you want to work out what is wrong between you? Can you? You barely knew each other before you got pregnant...maybe you realize now that you aren't right for each other...I don't know...it's hard, I've been there.
Hi, When Me And My Man Had Our Babe It Was Very Hard For Us Too, We Both Wanted A Baby And Started Trying Right Away. I Ended Up Preg 6 Months Later. We Went Through A Rough Patch Where Things, Even Little Things We Fought About. He Left All The Time, Hanging Out With His Freinds While I Was Home Watching Her,ect. All I Can Say To That Is Give It Time, At First Its Like This, Realizing They Dont Have The Space They Used To Scares Them.another Life Is Alot Of Responsibility. My Hubby Didnt Want To Talk Much About What Was Going On, But As She Grew Up, He Started To Make Changes And Spending Alot!more Time With Her.we Got Married And Everything Just Fell Into Place. I Think Age Has Alot To Do With It Too, Ive Heard That Most Guys Under 30 Having Kids Are Alot Like This. I Know Its Hard And You Want To Just Leave Some Days....but Love Can Only Tell. Do You Love Him Truely? If Yes Than Hold On, Ask Him If He Feels The Same And If He Wants This As Much As You Do. When We Fought I Always Made Sure She Was In The Other Room, No Matter How Small It Does Effect Our Little Ones. I Hope That It Works Out For You, I Stayed Out Of Love...if Thats Gone Than You Are Probably Best Being Freinds And Sharing Your Daughter. I Dont Agree With Michael To Stay Just Because You Have A Kid! It Could Do All Of You Damage In The Long Run If Your Relationship Turns Cruel, Verbaly, Or Physically. Listen To Your Heart.... Good Luck, And Merry Bless!!
no one was mean to you. they just don't agree with everything you said. try and talk it out. see if there are other issues and stress going on with him... if he turns into a real bastard, there's no point in hanging around him. it's not healthy for you or for your baby girl.
As a child from a family with divorced parents, I would have to say it is the best thing my mum ever did kicking my dad out. Its great!
How old is your baby? I imagine she's very young, probably demanding a lot of your time, and not sleeping through the night yet.Are you working, or is your man paying all the bills? I'll bet you're both suufering from sleep deprivation, and are stressed out to the max. New babies are very stressful. It's a combination of all of the above; lack of sleep, lack of attention, lack of privacy, money problems. I'll bet by the end of the day, you're all "touched out" from holding your baby all the time. It's normal and common for new parents to not get along. You both should find a parentng group in your area and start attending meetings. Your baby comes first, of course, and both of you shuold be mature enough to realize that. You both need help in staying together and working out your problems, or working out your problems and splitting up, if that's what you really need to do.
I got pregnant and had our baby by 19. we had our moments where we thought we would break up..like it was OVER! I was ready to pack and move. Then we got couples counceling together and 5 sessions changed and saved our relationship. Since we have been back again and it's really helps. I highly reccomend it.
hi there this is whats known as needing to understand both of you this is the fact that you have a little person to be responsible for, its a time to grow as adults too,and learn to give each other space a child can be very demanding on your time and if you feel the need to talk about this with each other then do it...talk this through what you both would like from this family you both have.. and the way you treat each other,is all to do with yourselves... i understand the longing for freedom ,if this is what you are saying about your partner,,is what he is looking for then im afraid you can not change this,a person can not have his mind or heart made up for them.but if you are asking how to talk with your partner as adults and behave as adults then sit down even tell each other the truth,about how both of you feel. many people have troubles in the first few years of a child coming along what ever the length of time you have been together,its a fact.... its hard work to feel together alot of the time.so if you feel insecure about each other you may find both or as you say your partner looks eles where..... not to say this is whats happening but its for you 2 to sort out....... dont put up with rude behaviour from each other ,find the moments to reflect on your days,and please allow yourself some respect...it takes 2 to make a baby........... when you admit your fears feelings and thoughts about this family of yours then is the time to move on with or with out each other...... be honest and let this family grow from within.... good luck, i remember in 1990 my first child ,my partner and i then didnot work things out,but today i see why we were so different it just took nearly a year to understand this now we have new famlies so nothing really bad happened there you see what im saying. then again my third child of 2002 ,my partner now have had a really hard time with no sleep not much time to talk but we know this is our famliy so we sit and talk so sometimes its the couples own choice to work things out... good luck from saff take your time you have a child to bring up and yourselves to learn to know..thats all
Wow, three weeks into the relationship you got pregnant??? Damn! Well, I can understand why he would be feeling a bit trapped... You guys weren't even really a couple yet! And I'm sure you hardly knew each other. My suggestion would be to do your best to keep it together, but don't be surprised if it falls apart. There's a lot of pressure there, on two people so young and new to each other...
You don't necessarily have to be in a relationship, to be together for your child--i mean, you can both do your part, parentally speaking, and not live together (or you can live together, but separate rooms, or whatever works for you.) As a society, we're certainly beyond the era of "mom-dad-kids-dog-cat-goldfish-with-cousins-next-door" style families. Also, alot of couples "fall out of love" from time to time. I think alot of people mistake love for romance...you don't necessarily need the latter to make a happy family! Most married couples that have already raised their children, and are still together, look more like friends than lovers. There comes a time when the "honeymoon is over" (for us, that happened before the actual marriage, lol) and that isn't necessarily a bad thing--sometimes it just means your relationship has matured to something else. So, you have to ask yourself, and each other...are we no longer "in-love" or do we have no love at all for each other? How important is romance in our relationship--are we nothing without it, or is it just an added bonus to our friendship? They say not to marry someone you can't talk to...because after awhile, that's all you'll ever do together. That may or may not be true for everyone, but i think it's a good way to measure how happy you'll be in the future. Can you hold a conversation with him, or does every word that comes out of his mouth piss you off?
WOW good advice from everyone! As a new father I find myself coming apart at the seams and acting mean and rude all the time. I married my wife out of some strange (for me) idea of morality and also so she could be a US citizen. Now, I'm realizing that me trying to BE something I fundamentally am not is not working for anyone! We now have ANOTHER child! (Don't believe that breastfeeding birth-control stuff!) I honestly believe EVERYONE involved would be better if me and my wife split. Family pressure and the INS are the reason we even started this CrAzY experiment in bad matchmaking to begin with. So, not to prattle mindlessly, but your husband is not alone. I second that piece about conversations...too true! too true!
It will only work if both of you want it to work, and are willing to make sacrifices so that it WILL work. When you have a kid, you have to put your own childhood behind you. Love is not what Disney makes it out to be...I think that people who wait for a "soulmate" are deluding themselves, because people are what you make of them, and love takes understanding, compassion, open-mindedness, and toleration. For a while, I wanted to get as far away from my husband as possible, but now that we've been married a little longer, and our son is a little older, and we're a little more mature, I honestly couldn't imagine ever wanting to wake up next to anyone but him. We had lots of problems at first (we're young, we hadn't known each other that long, yadda yadda yadda) but he is now my best friend--as well as one of the two (can't forget our son!) loves of my life. So my advice is to trust your instincts. If you think that he's a worthwhile person, try to work things out, because you'll probably be happy that you did. Work on communication & positive reinforcement...but remember that BOTH of you have to put in effort for it to work. There's no sense in staying in an angry, resentful relationship. Also, men (someone else said this, too) often freak out when their first kid is born; unless they had a really involved father, they often don't know what to do with an infant--they're scared of breaking it, and intimidated by its new, central role in its mother's life. good luck!
I have to agree with Blackie for once, although my parents divorced when I was 11 years old. A lot of the way I am is a result of my parents' relationship when they were married. I wish that they would have divorced earlier as it might have improved things, but then again, I might not have my little sister. But it's definitely not good to stay with someone just because of the kids. Kids can pick up on stress and tension, and if the two of you aren't happy, it will show and can affect things later on. Try and se if your partner will agree to couple's therapy, and if not, then you might have some big decisions to make. Good luck and much peace to you.
I don't think everyone is always so mean to you. I think that you have very unrealistic ideas about what marriage and parenthood are like. Even though you have no experience that I am aware of, in either realm, parenting or marriage, you offer lots of preaching and advice about it. (No, babysitting isn't parenting.) You shouldn't be surprised when people who have real-life experience with these complex situations express opinions that differ from yours. I, too, had more cut-and-dry, black and white, it's one way or the other opinions about parenting and marriage before I became a parent and an (ex) wife. In reality, things aren't so simple.
You know, if your baby is really, really young, the two of you might just be really stressed out. It's normal to be sleep deprived and stressed when your baby is born. Nothing is the way it used to be. It can be really depressing. Believe it or not, though, before you know it, your baby will be a kid. As intense as things are right now, it won't always be this way. You will get through it. If he is treating you like shit, you may eventually need to leave. But, if you are not in danger, if you are just pissed and not scared, give yourself a break. You have a lot to deal with right now, being a new mother, and you don't have to figure everything out right now or make a decision right this second. Maybe when the baby gets a little bigger, and you're not quite as stressed, things won't seem so intense. Maybe by then he will have adjusted to parenthood, too. If not, you'll be in a better position to think about what you want to do and how to get there. Try to take care of yourself for now. How is he being a jerk? Is he running around, goofing off, leaving you with the baby, acting like he's not responsible? Is he just crabby? Or what?
i think you should sit down and have an honest and respectful -this is really important- conversation about your situation. make it clear you aren't attacking him and that you need to hear the truth, even if it hurts...because the hurt will end eventually but you are stuck with this child for life and him too unless he bails completely and the stronger communication bond you have with him the better, now and forever. be flexible and understanding too...it might show him you aren't out to get him and are willing to solve things any way you can...but don't be a doormat either i had so many issues with my ex we fought all the time over stupid power struggle things. then in 96 we resolved alot of things from our relationship and now we have developed a really good (not perfect) relationship. for example we and his longtime gf took our daughter trick or treating this year as a family. it wasn't about us, it was for her. when i had surgery this spring his gf burned a dvd she knew i wanted so i could watch it while i rested.
Wowzers! That was a lot of replies. Thank you so much guys. The problem was (and notice that's in the past tence) that everytime that we would go out or have some friends over, he would get insanly jealous and ruin everyone's night. Just sulk in the corner etc... and he would never appologize for it. There was other stuff too... like waking up in a bad mood and just being bitchy.... but we finally sat down together and made each other resist the urge to walk away and just talked. Our baby's only four months old, and I was prego for pretty much the whole duration of our relationship, and I guess in a way he was just adjusting to me socializing with other people. When I was pregnant, I was pretty anti-socila alot of the time... He also said he was freaked out and nefvous about his fathering abilities. He was worried I wouldn't think he was a good dad... He's also got these insane trust issues because both of his exes cheated on him, and those play a role in when we're out... but (deep breath) one thinjg at a time. I love him so much, and In know he loves me. He's NEVER neglected me or our baby and never would. Thank you so much guys for all the info. It's so great to be able to get so many opinions from people who have been there
"...but we finally sat down together and made each other resist the urge to walk away and just talked..." thats a good thing ... good luck and i hope you two can make it work for you both and the baby
