emotions...

so as a female, i understand the woman's point of view fairly well, the men's however, i dont understand completely so i am going to ask you why is it so hard for men to share their emotions or feelings? do you close up or are you tapped into your "female" side of wanting to talk through your emotions?

 

Well, first of all, why must it be tapping into your female side to talk about your emotions? But anyway, I think it is just that generally we are conditioned by society to show less emotion, as it can be seen as a weakness. Got to appear manly, you know?

 

lol...i only wrote "female" ,and in quotes if you notice, because it has been attributed to be one of the more feminine qualities.
i dont know though. because yes you have to be "manly" but generally to save face in front of other men...what about behind the doors when you have a one on one with your lady friend? i know that with my husband he would close up and run away. with the guy i was dating after that, well currently he is doing the same. emotions are involved and its time to close doors.

 

I guess I'm not really the best to answer this, as I'm fairly open with my emotions with those to whom it would matter.. But I'm pretty sure still that not wanting to appear weak is a large part of it..

 

That was never the problem with me...


I never knew how to properly express my emotions.

It is like a little boy in school, he punches the little girl in the arm to show her he likes her. I think men are generally more mentally involved with other things and dont give much time or attention to feelings and emotions. It has taken something terribly devastating to me for me to find out how I truly feel. Feelings and emotions were something that I pushed in the back of my mind because they didnt pay the bills and they didnt cut the lawn. This is the biggest regret of my life though. If I could do anything over again it would be to go back and show and tell the ones I loved just what they meant to me.

Sometimes it takes the hardest things in life to make a person wake up and notice what is really important to them. Sometimes you learn sometimes you dont but there is a reason that everything happens. If you cant or dont reach out for help in a verbal manner do it now. Find someone that you can talk to about personal things. You will be absoulutely amazed at how much better you feel and what you learn about yourself in the process.

 

My problem has been just the opposite too. I am extremely open with my emotions. I hide nothing. However, in the 4 "serious" relationships I have had, I have had times of severe frustration because my girlfriends were like brick walls when it came to sharing their feelings and emotions with me. I think that is one reason I am so reluctant to get into another relationship, I can't stand the frustration in dealing with that lack of communication.

 

i've always had a hard time opening up. up until 2 years ago, i never really opened up to anybody. i'd talk to people, but i never really got to the heart of the problem. the things i opened up about were just top layer of problems. i guess it's because i never wanted to show any sign of weakness.

even physical pain, i'd try to hide it. when i torn my mensicus last year, i didn't want anyone to help me up. i took a lot of blows in and around my right knee which was the cause of the tear. so i didn't want any help getting up even though i was struggling because my knee was in pain. i had a friend trying to help and i pretty much flipped out on him. i eventually got myself up, and i struggled to get back to my room. i didn't want to say i needed help.

i hate showing weakness, physical or emotional. i trace this back to the pride i have in myself. when i admit i need help, something goes off in my head that said i was being weak and not being a man.

i'm not not comfortable opening up, but now i see it as somethign that i should have been doing all along. i just recently opened up to 2 old high school teachers of mine because i'm having trouble at college. i had a terrible sophomore year. and theres a whole bunch of other things that are going on and i'm pretty much hit rock bottom. so i needed to reach out. and now i realize that if i reached out and talked about what was going on sooner, i might not be were i am now.

 

you might not be where you are now...but where you are now is exactly where you should be. had you reached out, you wouldnt have heeded the lesson that you learned...so again you are right where you are because that is indeed where you should be.

it is strange to me that there were so many females in your life feelingroovy that were emotional walls. i am so open with myself and what i think and feel that sometimes i have to tell myself to stop telling it all. but i have also noticed that the men i am attracted to have always had a pattern of emotional blockages....perhaps you too have a pattern in your selections.

and John...you said you would have done things different or told people how you felt...well i read a quote once that said "where ever you are is the entry point" so there are no regrets or no i should haves....simply a going forward from here.

and that is todays session from Mariecstasy. you can see my column each week right next to doctor ruths....lol

 

Think this is a double edged sword sometimes.

We try to teach men children to be open and to cry and share and then they reach an age and we tell them to not....that thing about hide emotion. Does not work.

How then do we bring up boy babies, which become Men....who we then tell to share after we told them to grow up and hide.

Not sure on this one. maybe I never shall be.

 

If you show a woman where your buttins are she thinks it's an invitation to push them.

 

Is that a bad thing if you aslo know as partner what makes them tick?

Is a trigger always a bad thing........Or can that lead to an understading of what is important to another?

 

I feel that way sometimes too. Sometimes, i think it is good to be a little mysterious, keeps the partner wondering and interested, so I have to tell myself to not spill it all out when asked. I think a happy medium is somewhere in the middle. Be open when it is important but leave some of the little things to mystery. what do you all think?

 

you know i have to agree with you on this. though i feel it is important to be honest and to share your feelings and desires, when all is told, then interest is sometimes lost. at the same time though, i havent experienced that with the men in my life, i have experienced closed doors so i would take a happy medium and do a freaking happy dance thinking i had the whole enchilada and not just a happy medium

 

I didn't used to express my emotions very good, or be very open with anyone. But in the past few years, I've learend to open up to people I trust...which is a very good thing, because keeping some feelings inside is *certainly* not healthy. I'm just not super open with *everyone*...

 

I am one that is less open with people until I get to know them. ONce I get to know someone I can open up to them. BUt I still tend to keep to myself with alot of things. Not that I am not emtional, I just keep a very positive attitude most the time. SO its hard to see when I am feeling down or whatever. I joke around as a means of dealin with most things!

 

Not if you're as insecure as I am.

I call it the Delilah syndrome: show a woman where your strength comes from and she has to cut it off.

Or maybe I should call it the Loraine bobbit syndrome. Works either way.

 

In my relationships I do share my feelings & perhaps more than I need, & as many have said, they feel it opens them up to weakness & feeling vulnerable. I think some women crave, appreciate, welcome & expect this; while others will belittle & humiliate you for doing it. So it depends on the woman, if she's sensitive herself or somewhat rough & tough & expects you to be John Wayne. I think a lot of men know that. I don't think it makes somebody weak. There are all kinds of men, though & you just have to get with the right girl. I don't think anybody likes to listen to a whiner, male or female.

Some don't talk much at all & hardly ever share feelings or emotions. A brother-in-law of mine is like that. He never had a father figure & so went over to the macho side to compensate. Guys who have to deal with the world more than the woman as far as the outside day-to-day goes sometimes get hard exteriors. But that happens to many women as well who are also breadwinners.

To me, the main thing on how to get men to share their feelings or emotions is how the woman approaches it. You can try to nag a guy out of his shell. (not the way!) Other women don't let the man get a word in edge-wise. (not the way!)

Pick a good time when he is rested & approachable. Nobody likes to hear a shitload of problems the minute they walk in the door from a bad day. Check out his demeanor. Let him settle in & relax. Then he'll usually show you he wants to talk by saying something. Let him talk.

Read the classic book, "How to Win Friends & Influence People." I think it was perfect but the Title throws people off. Dorky as it might sound, it is a classic on getting along with & handling others; the art of persuasion & listening. I've read it several times in my life & it's more of a guide. Being a good listener is how to get someone to share their inner most feelings & that is how people view you as a good conversationalist —it's not how much you talk, it's how well you listen. :H

 

NaykidApe, If that is the case then how do you trust in that particular woman......not all, but that one.

Perhaps to be fair then it is that woman not all women. Just as with all issues it is a personal one not a gender one.

 

I watched as I grew up.If I was upset I was told to contol myself.If I cried I was teased.If I liked a girl I was humiliated.I was praised for being tough.I was looked up at for taking a beating,and giving one in return.If I liked to cook or enjoy art and the like I had to expect to be given a hard time by some.

We train boys to be like this,there's probably some in there anyway,but we know what it means from an early age.You have to be strong to be able to be soft enough to talk about it. A lot of guys get broken in the process,they get messed up...I'm sure you've seen some.

 

RE: so i am going to ask you why is it so hard for men to share their emotions or feelings?

What do you want to know what my emotions and feelings are? So you can make the most hurtful and cutting comment you can when you want to belittle or humiliate me?

There are any of a number of reasons for keeping stuff to yourself -

1) Ain't got time to bleed - bills need to be paid, house needs fixing and invaders need killing. I'd like to sit around and have an encounter session about how much it sucks the house is flooding, but I'm too busy actually bailing out the basement.

2) Nobody cares.

3) It's unattractive. Other men want to beat up on you and women think you're wussy and ineffective. We learn early on that there are two types of men - the jerks you dote on and obsess over (and do physical stuff with) and the wussy ones whose shoulders you cry on, whose money you borrow, whose time and energy you suck up, etc. Thanks but given the choice between being an emotional nursemaid or a stud many men would rather err to the former. (We're flesh and blood and wired to enjoy the procreation and killing/injuring others stuff)

4) Women spend so much of their lives figuring out how to manipulate everyone - why give em more ammo?

I'm overexaggerating to make a point here.