Falling off the wagon was the best thing in my life...

It all started when I was 12... This guy had a jug of moonshine at a boyscout jamboree and me and my best friend pounded that shit. We're both of Irish descent, so it was a like a primal awakening for us. While all the other boys were gagging and puking, we were passing the jug between us and the guy who brought it. Later on that night we smoked our first joint, and from then on we knew we had stumbled across one of the greatest times of our lives.

We grew up, went to college, and neither of us ever were caught doing anything until I slipped up and got busted by my college's campus police. I had about an ounce of shwag and I gave turned myself in before my roommate got caught with a QP of AK-47. Life took a new direction after that... not in the "right" direction though. I started finding all kinds of new ways to get high without smoking pot. I never really got hooked on anything, but I was doing a lot of drugs at any given time. One day it might be shrooms, xanax, and adderall, and the next day it might be MS Contin, somas, and ambien. All was good until I came across a shroom field and made the great wise decision to drop out of college and become a working man.

I wasn't able to hold down a job for shit. I'd work my ass off, but I was rebellious and reckless while I was on the job. I usually quit before I got fired, but I always went out with a bang and I stood down for no man (or woman). I dreaded days without drugs, but I didn't have specific cravings other than a craving to move through the motions of life without having any emotional attachments. I didn't want to deal with how shitty my life became, or the death of a very close friend... I just wanted to be oblivious to everything and everyone. Needless to say, that didn't work...

I soon found myself in my parents' house, fucked up, but I was still hiding my true self. I had a part-time job and a shitty truck, and I had to get even more creative in order to make it through life the way that I wanted; fucked up. Erowid.org became my bible, and I was it's disciple. I studied the vaults of erowid like a monk reads the gospels. I was looking for the perfect cocktail to numb and/or feed my heart and soul, yet still maintain the facade that everything was fine. That's where I fucked up...

I woke up in the ER one morning with my parents, who were in Florida the night before, staring at me as I was lying in a bed in an unfamiliar place. I saw all the colors of the rainbow and random shapes and forms, but I still couldn't figure out why I was in the ER and why my parents were there. That's when I discovered that the one drug I rarely abused betrayed me like an angry delusional pit-bull. I had apparently taken 16 ambien in one night and I had no recollection of the event. I remembered taking one to sleep, but the rest of the night was gone.

As soon as the doctors and my family brought me up to speed, I was en route to a rehabilitation facility. I was labeled as an addict and forced to undergo drug-testing and therapy three times a week. Narcotics Anonymous attendance was required for my insurance to cover the cost, so I went along with the program... kinda. I went sober for the first month, but then I found "non-narcotic" drugs to keep from facing the world. Eventually I was getting high just to deal with the sad meth stories and the overwhelming feeling that I didn't belong with the NA crowd.

I finally gave into the NA philosophy and started going regularly, believing all the while that I was an addict and without the help of NA I would be homeless, imprisoned, or dead. I was nervous, scared, and gullible as hell. When I made the decision to complete the 12 steps I chose a hardcore baptist sponsor. I'm not really a religious man, but I went with the flow because I was told that I needed his leadership and devotion. After six months of awkward phone calls, staying clean and sober, I finally gave up and drank some wine. I didn't drink the whole bottle... didn't even want to.

I went the next week and smoked a joint with a friend. Just one. Didn't really enjoy it because I was afraid of the haunting faces of my fellow NA members looking down on me in shame. That's when I knew that I wasn't an addict... I was just being a dumbass who was looking for all the wrong answers in all the wrong places. I made my peace with my past, dealt with my emotions soberly, and ever since then I've been a new man. I don't believe I was ever an addict, rather I was just using drugs as a crutch to avoid life.

These days I drink a beer or two once in a while. I take my prescriptions as they are prescribed, and I stay the hell away from trying to find the answers to all of my many questions through drugs. I face life with a sober mind now, but I still have fun once in a blue moon. Why am I confessing this? Hell, I don't know to be honest, but maybe someone else can avoid some of the shit I had to go through to be the man I am today. I'm still trying to figure out just who the hell I really am, but thanks to NA, I know a bit more about who I am not...

 

I enjoyed this post man. And congrats for straightening yourself out. You sound smart.

 

Good to see you’ve got your shit straightened out and are on the right track to success


Hotwater

 

Good shit man. I relate alot to what ou said!