Family Obligation or Choice?

Ok This is bigger then my last post I am now really uncertin of what to do. My husband's 90+ greatgrandmother can no longer live by herself. D (hubby) and Greatgranndma want us to move 2 hours away to her house have me quit my job and take care of her she would pay me to be her live in care giver 24/7. I use to be a care giver about 3 years ago before I started as a Security Officer. We own our house up her and have a bunch of pets. She doesn't like animals. They could move with us but the cats would have to live in the basement along with our bird and one of our dogs and the lizards. The other dog that prefers to be out side would come in to sleep in the garage at night. Our bedroom would be in the basement were we could be with them at night or whenever. We would have to put all of our stuff in storage. and pay the house payment up here because we can not sell our house for 3 years per the morg. terms. Plus we would have to keep all untilies on. D would have to find a job down there that paid what he made up here and benefits as good as mind. He says we need to talk about it right now she is staying at a cousins house but the cousins kid and him family are moving back in soon and that will be to much on greatgrandma. I am not sure what to do all my family is up here I have bills up here. It is alot to concider I have devotion to our families just a lot of uncertainties on what to do. I would have to make at least make what I make now in order to afford our stuff here that we will have to keep with if not more to concidering the gas for my car for all the places grandma will want us to go . The closest store is 15 minutes away and no local hospital they closest is 50 miles away. Please give me your thoughts on this. Thanks!

 

well, my reaction would be hell no. If she can afford to pay you to be a 24/7 caregiver then she can afford one who isn't family. That's a lot of change for someone, but I guess it really depends on how close you feel to her.

 

We are very close. she was staying in a nursing home for 11 days and it was to expensive for her to stay there. She has been at me to do this for a long time evrytime i visit because I cook clean what ever she needs. Take her to the doctor. The care part wouldn't be a problem. What would be the hardest part other then what I already mentioned would be moving away from everything. No computer, none of my family or friends close. Just like all his distant cousins and great aunts and uncles around. I would no noone and I need people around me which there are none of in this town. Hell there are barely 200 people and that is if you go out in the country and the people out there are amish or minanite for the most part not much I have in common there. I just don't know if it would be as peaceful for me down there as D swares it would be for him. Just so much to think about. I figure the pay would be like may be 1,600 a month free room and board. Probably gas money to for taking her where she needed to go. I don't know. so pay would be ok, maybe.

 

there would be no question about it, I would take care of DH's grandmother without a second thought. THat's what family is for. Find the animals new homes, there's a human person who needs you and has asked for help she shouldn't have had to ask for in the first place.

 

Can Granny move to your house ?

 

My thought, "If she can afford to pay you to be her caretaker, then she can afford to pay a stranger."

 

She doesn't have to ask the animals are not the main problem. They can go as I said. It is the House morg contract. I wish she would let us move her up here with us. Evryone esle just feels that they should push it off on us. They all agree that it should be anyone but them.

I guess my real fear is if something would happen to her even though she is in her 90's that the family would blame me. If you ever met my in-laws you would understand they would have to blame someone and its always the non blood family memeber. The would not even concider age , illnesses, or anything else.

 

Yes I would let her in a haert beat but she wants to atay in her home in her town. As I said she is living with a cousin now but she wants to be at home.

 

To be honest I think they can get me to work for pretty much nothing but the are not conceidering our bill we have to pay. The hubby agrees there is alot to consider. The thing I didn't mention is his health problems and the chance of me having an allergic reaction to something both thing can send us to the hospital fast and the closest hospital is 30-45 minutes away.

 

Has anyone asked the old woman what SHE wants?

 

She has told me and the hubby's Aunt Deb both that she would like one of us to come take care of her. She wants to be at home in her house in the town she lives around the people she know her church etc. His Aunt S. said she would do it but Grammy is scared of her she ytold me so. S. has been in and out of prision and has big problem so not a good canidate. Problem is there are no jobs down there reall population is like 200 with about half of them being menonite and they do not hire laborers out side their community much nicepeople just very close nit. Granny is great I love her dearly just alot of things would change and have to be switched around for us to go that could be very difficult.

 

If the members of your generation are trying to convice you that YOU are the only one who can do this, shame on them. Don't let them guilt trip you.

If you want to make this sacrifice, go for it. Families caring for each other good. It is good to happen, good to see and good to show your kids.

Its your choice. Seeing that she is cared for is (partialy) your husband's responsibility. Making his wife be the primary caretaker is NOT. If she is cared for, his obligation is taken care of regarless of how (you, another relative, professional, ...). You have no obligation to this woman. How your husband's obligation's affect your life is ...????

 

Relic, all I am hearing is "she wants this, she hates my animals, she doens't want to move." SHIT you are offering her a home, rather than a nursing home to live in. She should be thankful, accept the animals, let YOU and your dh sleep wherever you damn well please and MOVE her own old ass if she doesn't want to live in a Nursing Home. What about what YOU want? You count, too. In fact, it's your life, it's your decision.

If she can't live by the house rules of the people who will be taking care of her, she can live in a state supported Nursing Home, or let "Aunt Deb" take her in.

You really have NO obligation to change your entire life, get rid of your animals, sleep in a BASEMENT, move, neglect your own bills only to get blamed when she finally dies.

I'd let that old Aunt Deb take care of her, or tell the old lady she can live with you, IF she can abide by YOUR lifestyle.

JMO.

 

I must tell you. My dh's grandmother was a really old manipulative womyn. She "didnt want to leave her house" blah blah blah blah also She attempted suicide because my MIL didn't want her to ruin HER marraige by taking her in herself. (Made sure she took the pills just as my MIL was on her way there.)

She got slapped into a nursing home so fast, ALL her money, nearly a million dollars got used up,she lived so damn long after the suicide "attempt" then it was a state nursing home, oh well.........(Social Security PAYS for these homes.) She tried to get Bear and I to do it, take her in, we had two toddlers and one on the way, and honestly, I couldnt stand the womyn. I simply said NO WAY. I had my own family to worry about, and I was not going to spend my 20s (and it turns out most of my 30s) being manipulated. No thanks, I wanted to raise my kids and not be blamed for things.

Luckily, there wasn't any pressure from his family. All I had to say was "Well, if we do this, we'll have to let my mom live with us when she gets old, too." THAT ended the conversation and it was not brought up again.

Again, your milage may vary.

 

enabling is the most addictive form of co-depencency -
you going to be all passive and let yourself get roped into something which You Know is not something you really feel right with ? ?
Ok relic -it's your life ... go for it -but Damn it - Be True to your Self !

 

I told the hubby I wanted until after the first of the year to decided. I can just make a jump decision on this it is not possible. Great Grammy is a sweet great old soul she has never benn anything less to me. It is the rest of the backstabbing family you gotta watch. See the hubby's grandpa ids her son but his wife hate great grammy with a passion they have a house where we live and a house a block from where Great Grammy lives. Grandpa wants to move down the on a perm basis but grandma refiuses says she hate it down there. Aunt Deb would have to give up the booze and drugs to live there and she won't do that. Rita (is her neice) the cousin who she is with right now is a sweet women but really is not set up to care for her and her kid and his family are moving in with her because they lost their house. Rita's not complaining it the rest of the family that wants this change. The hubby understands my uneasiness he just has a huge since of family obligation we have continued to talk about it but I think he knows we can't he just reall wishes we could. He has a need to make his family happy regardles of his own true wants.

 

I hope you manage to avoid the "my family would be OK if my wife weren't a bitch" hole that is looming in front of you. Try to get your husband to see that the obligation to Great Granny is shared by the whole family, not just him and especial not primarily you. You probably are perceptive enough to see the "life would be wonderful if he hadn't married that bitch" postion that some of your in-laws will take.

 

that's why she needs *you* not one of them...


What kind of people don't care for their elderly relatives? That sucks, I don't care how much of a horrible bitch she might be. What the fuck is wrong with people, anyway? I don't see anything in any of your posts that say she is manipulative or controlling, just an old person in need of love and care that apparently only you can provide her. It's on your conscience. You can do what you want, but you know what's right.

 

I don't think whether or not "she wants to stay in her house" should be an issue. If you're going to be taking care of her and giving up a real job for it, she should move in with YOU. It's just a house, I don't care how long she's been living there, I also believe that family should be the ones to take care of the elderly, but I think the elderly being taken care of need to make some sacrifices on THEIR part also for that. I mean they aren't getting stuck in a nursing home, that should be enough!