Fat. It’s What’s For Breakfast.

jo_k_er_man · Sep 28, 2009

So I was checking my email this weekend when a banner ad caught my attention: “Next time fight the morning fade™ with Jimmy Dean sausage.” It was accompanied by an image of a sausage and egg biscuit at the center of a rural sunrise, with yellow and orange rays twirling around this sausage thing as if it were a fat, wrinkly, radiant Christ child in some Italian Renaissance painting of the Madonna—or one that had been shoved by Satan into a little girl’s bicycle spokes.

Having no idea what “the morning fade” is supposed to be, other than getting stoned before breakfast, I did a little research. As I discovered, Jimmy Dean conducted a “nationwide survey” to identify cities where people “become groggy, anxious and more focused on what’s for lunch rather than the task at hand.” Apparently the cure for this condition is sausage—which explains the recent and sudden demand for sausage-flavored energy drinks.

Jimmy Dean claims that nearly half of the people in cities such as Orlando, San Antonio, Denver, and Indianapolis begin to crave lunch before 10 a.m. (italics added). And as we all know, hunger causes sleepiness. The response to the public service videos Jimmy Dean has placed on YouTube indicates the severity of this problem. For example, since being posted on September 17, this video has received almost 330 views. Clearly, the problem has gone viral.

I particularly enjoy the way this clip combines the hand-held urgency of The Blair Witch Project with the primal dread of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds and the mechanistic fatefulness of the Final Destination series (in the form of the honking truck).

In case you were wondering just how much caffeine can be found in sausage, here are the nutrition facts for a Jimmy Dean sausage, egg, and cheese croissant:

I’m disappointed that the alcohol content is so low. However, this can easily be rectified by removing the sausage patty from the Jimmy Dean croissant, rolling it into a cylindrical shape, and shoving it down the throat of a beer bottle. Place your thumb over the bottle and shake until sausage dissolution has been achieved. When the morning fade hits you at 10AM, drink this concoction, and we guarantee that the combination of calories, fat, and alcohol will provide an energy boost that carries you all the way through into the evening.
Click to expand...

had no idea how nutritious those Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches were..

deleted · Sep 28, 2009

yum...

rollingalong · Sep 28, 2009

its the maple ones that are killing me

Vapemaster · Sep 28, 2009

Holy shit...39 grams. I work in a grocery store part time, so I often find myself reading the nutrition info, and alot of food is really shitty for you (especially in the frozen section).

hippieatheart · Sep 28, 2009

Ew

†ù®Ké¥ š†ûƒƒïñg · Sep 28, 2009

I could go for some good ole fat

deleted · Sep 29, 2009

I was gonna buy this progresso soup. I didnt when I saw that 2serv is 2200mg of sodium..
HAHAH healthy soup my ASS !!
Thats more salt than cheapo 14cent soups..

Buddha Fish · Sep 29, 2009

i'm hungry

TheMadcapSyd · Sep 29, 2009

Hey if you have a drug test during the day a ton of fat is a god thing to eat in the morning

jo_k_er_man · Sep 29, 2009

orison319 said:

I was gonna buy this progresso soup. I didnt when I saw that 2serv is 2200mg of sodium..
HAHAH healthy soup my ASS !!
Thats more salt than cheapo 14cent soups..
Click to expand...

yeah... condensed soups are horrible when it comes to sodium.. you could eat that progresso... but then you're gonna have to go sit an hour in a sauna to sweat out all that sodium

neuroptican · Sep 29, 2009

orison319 said:

I was gonna buy this progresso soup. I didnt when I saw that 2serv is 2200mg of sodium..
HAHAH healthy soup my ASS !!
Thats more salt than cheapo 14cent soups..
Click to expand...

If you want to hit your Sodium recommendation per day, turn to Progresso!

deleted · Sep 29, 2009

I dont like alot of salt..

im a fan of these biskit breakfast.. of course Im not trying to loss weight,. but I like to eat healthily ....

twang · Sep 29, 2009

Doughnutzzz
N pop tarts
Good friends of the stoner

porkstock41 · Sep 29, 2009

that's pretty sick

i think i have some sausage patties in the freezer though
i'll make my own sausage egg sandwich...
i'm sure that sausage is pure fat too though

i usually have cereal
massive amount of sugar instead

Log in or Sign up

Fat. It’s What’s For Breakfast.

jo_k_er_man TBD

deleted Visitor

rollingalong Banned

Vapemaster Captain of a sinking ship

hippieatheart vagina boob

†ù®Ké¥ š†ûƒƒïñg Eminent Herbalist

deleted Visitor

Buddha Fish wanderin' fish

TheMadcapSyd Titanic's captain, yo!

jo_k_er_man TBD

neuroptican ...hadouken!

deleted Visitor

twang on the run

porkstock41 Every time across from me...not there!

Log in or Sign up

Fat. It’s What’s For Breakfast.

jo_k_er_man TBD

deleted Visitor

rollingalong Banned

Vapemaster Captain of a sinking ship

hippieatheart vagina boob

†ù®Ké¥ š†ûƒƒïñg Eminent Herbalist

deleted Visitor

Buddha Fish wanderin' fish

TheMadcapSyd Titanic's captain, yo!

jo_k_er_man TBD

neuroptican ...hadouken!

deleted Visitor

twang on the run

porkstock41 Every time across from me...not there!

Useful Searches