Finally ready now but she is gone?

I am 35 year old woman,and i had this long distance relationship with a woman,33 years old.

We had a very intense connection for years. When I met her i was still married to a man. That has created a lot of problems, because the divorce took time.Recently, we had a big argument where she was extremely angry and said very hurtful things. A few hours later, she called to apologize for the way she spoke.

After that, communication resumed, but it became very superficial — short messages, no emotional depth, no initiative to talk properly, no calls. Just check-ins about health or daily things.

When I tried to ask directly what we are and what she wants, she avoided answering. She would change the subject, say she’s tired, or say that right now she only cares about her health(she has health issues)

I respect that she’s dealing with health issues, and I don’t expect emotional availability if she’s not capable.

I asked for honesty, even if the answer was painful. Instead, I got avoidance. I contacted her on the 7th of January ,she answered but was short said she was sick, i asked her do you want me to visit you? she said no she is sick, i said my divorce is finally done the nr 1 thing you cared about,she said "yes but it is too late now!,then i said will you call me tomorrow? she said yes I will, but never did.It has been days now

My question is: What do i do? i am finally ready to be with her and the obstacles are gone but she seems also gone. Is there anything i can do? i have not contacted her since 7th of January

 

Im sorry that happened to you.From what i read i think she is afraid to commit to being with someone.Your divorce was probably the thing that kept her close.I think her not calling you is your answer.I hope im wrong take care of you.

 

If I'm permitted to answer in this forum/thread, I shall. If not permitted please let me know and I'll delete.

I wish people were more open with those close to them so other people, such as the OP, wouldn't be upset.

@lana_sa - Taking your post at face value (there's surely much more that you can't include in a forum post), its hard to pin down good advice.

It seems to me the marriage was not an obstacle to your relationship with her. It was a welcome (for her) preventor of a full blown relationship with you).
The divorce became a difficult period for her, because the marriage ending would also end the 'preventor'. The only thing she can use now to prevent anything is to cease contact.

I hope you didn't end the marriage specifically to be with her and I hope she didn't influence you to end it.

Take time out. Rely on your own close friends for help and support. Reflect and learn so that when you come out the other end, you'll be stronger and more sure of what you need and want. xx

 

No i did not end it for her, we were not good for each other for long time.


But she was the one pushing it to end before i was even ready and now she says "i am too late"

 

How can anyone have a stable relationship if the other person in it changes the rules so abruptly and without warning or notice or saying. Or a relationship of any sort?!

(All of the next is just my opinion from what I have read and not actual suggestion or advice because only you know the full picture.)

It seems that:-

a. you know a person who is one or more of, hot&cold (to the extreme), inconsistent, one who messes others around emotionally or who is manipulative.
and/or
b. she is one who doesn't communicate fairly. She may not have had feelings for you as strong as yours for her but, she should have communicated with you about that so you weren't left in mid air, hanging, as you seem to be today.


Like I wrote before; take your time, settle yourself and re-learn who the real you is.
You likely have two relationships to get over at the same time, at least from the perspective of rediscovering the real authentic true you.
Only after you find that, can you contemplate a new relationship where you will be at ease and fully yourself.

xx

 

:-(…time to heal and maybe time to reunite …take care of YOU!

 

I had a similar situation. We were "together" online for about a year. Happy, talked everyday, wanted to start a life together. This was during covid, we were in different countries and couldn't travel. Once the travel bans were lifted I talked about actually being able to see each other in person and thats when they began to pull away, a few weeks later it was over. I am sorry to say that some people just aren't actually ready for a real relationship but when there are obstacles in the way they feel safer to explore what a real relationship would be like without risk. It might help to look into avoidant attachment styles to understand more about this.

Another thought that I had when reading your post was, if she has health problems, could her issues have taken a turn for the worse and she no longer sees a future because of it. Maybe she is trying to save you the heart ache of losing her in a different way.

 

but we met,and it was so real live

do you think i should reach out once again? i said to her to call me,she said she would and never did!!

 

Most assuredly agree!

 

I had somebody come to me with a similar relationship problem only in a reverse situation. She suffers from pretty big health problems and was really keen on this guy she was dating. She didn't think she should see anyone because of her health issues and thought she should end the relationship. Another friend of hers had also advised her to end it. My advice was that if there is true love in both their hearts he will be beside you through anything, so talk over the issue honestly.

I think it could be the same in your case, she is trying to spare you hurt, albeit unwillingly causing you hurt in the process. She may need reassurance and a show of love and words that health is not a problem and you will be with her through anything.

If the outcome is she doesn't want a relationship, the next step is up to you as a person. When my marriage of nearly 30 years ended friends gave me advice to take time for myself, don't get into another relationship and to go for walks and collect my thoughts. It's good advice for some, but hey, that sure was not me. I wanted some companionship and when I realised things were definitely over I looked for that companionship. As I say, it's all down to your own personality and coping mechanism.

One thing I don't want you to do is criticise yourself. So many do that and it's not good. Celebrate who you are and your strengths and what you bring as a person.

My story had a happy ending, I found someone real special, we have been together almost 3 years and life is beautiful.
I'm sending you many blessings for happiness and that everything works out. May your Guardian Angels and Spirit Guides be with you in this.

 

I asked her openly "are we over?" she did not want to give an answer,said i do not care what happens i do not care about anything ,i want to focus on my health

Then i said "do you want to contact me? she was do whatever you want

Then she said she would call next day she is free.She never did

It is a strange way of ending,but we have had this toxic relationship before,where we would be no contact 5,6 days.And somewhere deep down i am thning she probably want me to "chase" ...she is in problems,she is sick etc etc.But then again,this time it is different,because last time we spoke she was not angry just ..strange.

 

No need to continue! My suggestion is to move on. This on her not you! Hope the best for you! ;-)

 

I feel your angst and unfortunately have been through similar. Sadly mine never worked out unfortunately and looking back I can see it was probably all sexual for her and I mistakenly believed it would be that and more. I did everything her and her friends asked of me but in the end it wasn’t enough to build our relationship on

 

Hopefully for you things will work out for the best. I’m sure that you will make a wonderful partner for some fortunate person

 

Sometimes it's easy to talk about and anticipate something when that something is or seems impossible or very difficult. However when the seemingly impossible or difficult becomes VERY POSSIBLE--and it's time to "put up" ---true feelings will surface. Your divorce is final ---you are ready. She is not. I suggest you will keep experiencing difficulty and perhaps hurt if you continue with this person. Chalk this up to an experience that is a learning lesson for you. Who knows how many fine , honest individuals are out there . I wish you well and happiness in your life---it CAN happen.

 

That sounds like she might have a lot going on that you don't know about. Personally, regardless of the relationship status, if it was someone that I cared about I would want to try to be there for them in any way they needed. Long term plans and "what am I to you" conversations can be set on the back burner until you know if she is ok.

So, two things here. Not talking to each other for five or six days is not inherently toxic unless it is done as some sort of punishment. Secondly if you think your relationship with this person can be toxic like that then maybe it is best not to pursue a romantic relationship with them.

 

What I believe is that this is a form of punishment ,or maybe a way of her to get away(but not because of the divorce ).I do not believe she got "cold feet"(not like i asked her to marry me). She told about me to her mom brother,family,she wanted a relationship and I know our nr 1 issue and fights were about me not divorcing. She had true emotions I could see it(it was not about sex) but now it is withdrawal.I actually asked her 7 days ago when we last spoke "why do you never initiate contact anymore?" she said "i am sick i have all these issues going on, I do contact you" then at the end i said "will you call me tomorrow? and she answered yes i will i am free tomorrow so we can talk(she NEVER called me nor wrote a message,and that was 7 days ago)

so at this point, i am not contacting just to see how long this will go?