all of my life, i have never gotten along w/ my parents. earlier this summer, we tried family counseling, but my parents refused to let my sister join in the sessions b/c (in their words to her) everything is my fault, that im the cause of all the family problems. i moved to New Orleans to return to school, but i didn't have a car or bike, & the only available jobs w/in walking distance were delivery. i had to take taxis & those would cost $30 round trip when i would only spend $6 on drinks. there was a street car 15 blocks away but that is one long motherfucking walk in stelletos (sp?) i was cut off from friends & fun. however, there was a bar a block away that i could easily walk to w/o being drenched in sweat. so in a week, i was very depressed, becoming an alcoholic, & miserable. i made the tough decision to move back to IN to recover from New Orleans. my parents did not support my decision & wouldnt help me unless on THEIR terms. (ie, i had to go to Purdue U., could only live where they approved, etc.) it recently occured to me that they have tried to control my entire life (they wouldnt let me wrestle during my senior year, etc) and that they dont care about ME and what I want to do w/ MY life. after a month, i start to get along w/ my dad and then.. the other day i had a flat tire & they were going to pick it up. the trunk was a mess so i took the tire out & waited for 20 minutes inside for them. i went outside & the tire was gone. they didnt even knock to acknowledge their presence. dont most people knock? is that too much to ask? so i was upset the next day when my dad called to say they had already got a tire when WE had made plans to pick the tire up together. they asked me why i was upset & when i told them part of it was b/c they didnt knock to let me know they were there, the assholes exploded like they always do & blamed it on ME. once again, everything is my fault. it was my fault that i didnt see their headlights & it was my fault i wasnt waiting outside in 30 degree weather. every fight is like that. they barely admit they are wrong b/c THEY ARE!!!! i admit mistakes when i make them, but i hardly think waiting for a knock is a mistake. i feel as though they dont really care about me. they care more about always being right than about my feelings. my entire life has been like this. when i had ADD as a child i remember them telling me how annoying i was. their constant putdowns led to borderline personality disorder & depression. they have hurt me emotionally and i dont know what to do. theyre my parents, but they have caused so many problems in my life. what should i do? should i try to have a relationship, only as friends? im at the point where i just want to say fuck it b/c nothing has & probably ever will change. what do you think? peace & love kim
First of all I have a few questions: How old are you? Are your parents paying for college/housing? If your parents are pulling you down and mistreating you, then you need to get out from under them. Is there anything that you can think of (presently-not things in the past) that make them treat you this way? Are you trying to take responsibility to rectify some of the things that you may have screwed up in your life? I'm just trying to get a clearer picture of what is going on.
sugrmag, nobody "makes" another person treat them a certain way. everyone is responsible for their own behavior, including parents. but stickchick, i hate to tell you this, but sugrmag is right: the only way to get them to stop is to break free of them. and i know how difficult this can be because my parents are similarly overbearing, manipulative, and controlling. you can always hope that when you are independent and managing entirely on your own, that they will come to see you as an adult, but if they're anything like mine, that may not happen even then. move away when you can, and don't call them. if they call you, speak with them on your terms. if they are abusive on the phone, firmly and lovingly say "i love you, but i really need to end this conversation." and hang up gently. i was a heavily-medicated and "counselled" ADHD child, and i know the cycle of blame within families. but i also know it is possible, over time, to grow beyond that and assert yourself as an adult with them; whether they choose to recognize that is out of your control. they can't control you, but you can't change them. but you don't have to act the way they expect you to, either, you can cast off old patterns like an outworn cloak. and i know it isn't easy, either. and i know it's easier to talk about it than it is to put it into action.
Kitty fabulous, you're right...I worded it wrong...I should have asked if there was anything that she might be doing to contribute to the frustration. Or if she is doing everything she can to alleviate it.
i am 20 years old & the only reason i lived at home during the summer was b/c my parents threatened to not pay for college which @ Tulane is $40,000 per year. i no longer go there & if i do decide to attend IU, i will be financially independent. but now, they are INSISTING they pay for college (im not going to let them). for me, its so confusing b/c it seems as though they are trying to use their money (net income over $80,000) to control me. i dont care about if they buy me a car or pay for an appt. there are TONS of people whose parents are way less fortunate & they survive. its harder, sure, but i would rather suffer physical discomfort than the emotional pain my parents have caused me. the only thing they pay for is my cell phone (they insisted on the $70 phone plan & $150 phone when i asked for a $30 plan & $20 phone). they only pay for that b/c they refuse to call my friends home phone. if i didnt have the cell phone, they couldnt get ahold of me. believe me, ive tried to give it back but they kept returning it (& my friend doesn't have long distance so his family uses it too) i guess what hurts the most is that my parents think giving me their money is the same thing as love. & its not, b/c ive never had their emotional support. When i was upset about something they do, my parents blow up at ME & its my fault. i guess it sucks, but i do need to get away from them. their my parents, but no one deserves emotional abuse. oh well, thats just one more thing i need to accept. thanks for your replies. i welcome anyone elses ideas. peace & love kim
No one just "stops" being ADHD. Borderline Personality Disorder is not caused simply critical parents. BPD patients are very difficult to live with and deal with. Both conditions require extensive ongoing couseling. Not if you don't treat your Personality Disorder. Things rarely change for Borderlines, and they rarelytake responsibility for their mistakes. UNLESS the make huge efforts to change themselves. this requires counseling and usually medication. Go back to couseling and taking your meds, it is probably your only hope. I've dealt with too many Borders to think otherwise.
oh, i dont mean w/ my conditions. i have those under control based upon my understanding of them. what i mean is that my relationship w/ my parents will never change. my mom helped cause the conditions b/c im nearly 100% positive she too suffers from BDP & i KNOW shes depressed. she cries all the time & i know she suffered through an earlier marriage to an abusive man who later commited suicide after they divorced. my mom has serious issues that she wont admit to having. i think she has bpd b/c of her black & white thinking, her extreme attatchment to our dog who died (the dog was 12, had bad arthiritis, & i knew she didnt have too much time left. it was a shock to my mom who said she thought the dog would live forever.) my mom wont get treatment b/c she thinks shes "okay" i have add, not the hyperactive type although i might have when i was younger. none of the pyschiatrists knew anything about my bpd, and only 1 could diagnose the obvious add. the thing is that i have highly developed coping mechanisms to get me through my conditions. yes, you may have dealt w/ many borders, but you dont know ME. i havent had a problem concentrating & have gotten all of those issues together. even when i had the undiagnosed bpd, i know i was functioning fine. many people cant function, but i had the obvious stuff under control. it all is now. peace & love kim what i am saying is that my parents will never treat me w/ respect. they think giving me $$$ is the same thing as emotional support. i have emotionally abusive parents. my sister is SOOOOO depressed b/c of my parents calling her ugly, fat, stupid, etc. so i dont blam
Dont let them control you with money. You can get a student loan etc. Get out on your own and out from under tehm and they will show mor erespect for you. In turn you for them it will work out just cut the cord.
