Four main misconceptions about open relationships that I keep hearing

1) "I don't wanna come back home from work and catch my partner fucking someone else in my bed!" --- some people may enjoy that, but that is definitely not synonymous with having an open relationship. In the open relationships I had, my partners and I had times and places that were only ours and no one else's. There's still the day-to-day, "Pick you up after class or work at 6pm on Tuesday" routine and agreements; and those were times and places when or where we did not fuck other people.

2) "Why not just stay single!" --- is the name of this misconception. Related to #1, is the misconception that sex takes the front seat and your partner's feelings ride in the back. I was actually faced with that scenario once: I was literally in bed with someone, when my partner called. She was having a crisis; her sister had accused her father of molesting her. I literally picked up my fucking drawers and pants, apologized to my other partner, and left to console her. My other partner was sick to her stomach, and very jealous, but this was an emergency. The next day, I met up with my second partner and reassured her that I still loved her, which I did or do. If sex were more important to me than their feelings, why would I be in a relationship with them?

3) "Why are you so horny! What's wrong with you!" --- actually, in my first open relationship, I did not fuck anyone else at all. I don't know if my partner did or not. I kissed other girls, but I only fucked my main. I feel very monogamous the first 2 months or so of a new relationship. Then, I become frisky, and eventually I feel monogamous again and want to zero in on one partner. Monogamy came and went in the open relationships I had. There was no statement of purpose that I had to be fucking other people constantly at all times or else the relationship was void.

4) "They are nice in theory but they don't work!" --- Yeah, and monogamous ones do. Obviously. Only open relationships break up, ever.

 

5) “Don't you feel jealous???!!!?” --- Yes, I do. And so do you, in your monogamous relationship when hubby or wifey look at other people on the street, or receive a phone call from someone you didn't know existed, or they let something slip about their ex. The only difference is that the feeling of jealousy to me does not automatically translate into “My partner can't have sex with anyone else. Ever!”

 

I didn't know that there were people in open relationships who had jealous feelings. I heard that jealousy is repressed sexuality but you hardly seem repressed. Well fwiw, I think it's big of you to feel jealous and not feel the impulse to control your partner's sex life.

 

if a relationship is open, then you should communicate with each other about it A LOT.

my relationship isn't open, but if i kiss other people in front of my boy, he knows they're just kisses. he's the one i think about, for his mind and everything else.
if i think about someone else, its generally in a sexual way, and thats really not a bid deal in our eyes.

 

I know for a fact many people who've chosen to be in open relationships do in fact feel jealousy. But jealousy, seems to me, is a feeling. Monogamy is a choice. In the same way that being angry does not force me to murder someone, feeling jealousy does not force me to be monogamous.

Have you never felt jealousy? That sounds strange to me. I think the above equation between jealousy and repressed sexuality is capricious.

Thanks for the compliment, but in this case being big comes with a reward. Which is fucking the living shit out of every chick I want to fuck.

 

Thanks and thank you for replying! I would define it as reciprocal rather than selfless.

 

No for some reason I don't get jealous even angry. I have amazing emotional control. Idk why, I guess maybe it's genetic, as my family is very easygoing.

You should get a nice Brazilian gf

 

looooool. That's funny! :biggrin:

 

Oi Vey with the talking, talking solves everything.

 

I'm certainly not in an open relationship the way others are... my wife and I may occasionally have other partners, but they're all with each others' consent. We don't just go pick up other people or anything like that.

But I don't believe either of us really experience jealousy when this happens. Perhaps because we were together for nearly two decades before we started doing this, and talked about it for about a decade before finally making the leap. Rules were well-established, and we both really understood that this was something we enjoyed doing but it wasn't a reflection on our love for each other, nor a threat to us.

My main advice to anyone considering something like this is don't rush it and don't force it. It can be great, but let it happen rather than risking breaking a healthy relationship.

 

This sounds to me a little bit like "I love to have sex with men but I'm not gay!" What's your definition of an open relationship?

Having sex with others without your partner's consent is not open, is it?

 

I think I've been misunderstood. I'm quite straight, although not narrow. When it comes to other men, they do nothing for me, and I pretty much exist on the look-but-don't-touch level for them.

To me, an open relationship is when consent is pre-granted to have sex with other people. That is not what we have. We discuss and agree when other people are permitted into our sex life. Usually it's a threesome, but that's not a requirement. Explicit informed permission is, however, a requirement.

Honesty and openness are absolutely key. We define cheating not as having sex with another person, but as lying to each other (including lies of omission).

My point was simply that I live a sex life that many guys fantasize about, and I haven't experienced the issues that other couples seem to run into in these situations. I credit the deep and strong relationship, and the slow movement over twenty years, for getting us where we are today without the jealousy and heartache I've seen in other couples trying similar things. My advice is to simply take your time and don't rush.

 

What he means is its still open, doesnt matter if the partner knows or not, its still open.

Just ends up sounding like, well its this kind of open, so that makes it more ok than others that dont tell the other half. Even though whether its on the internet or real life we, the wife or hubby or anyone else really has any idea whether that is actually true or not.

And it happened after 20 years of marriage, couldnt possibky be out of boredom has to be cos you both communicate effectively, now the rules have changed. Even like most others at the start of marriage you were all about monogamy, telling everyone else how bad cheating is, only to eventually end up like this, with some of us the whole time knew what was coming even before you did. With astrong possibility your wife was sneaking around with some older guy when you were younger which you still dont know about, many of them do, so we are open and honest with each other isnt really true either.

Denial is not a river in egypt

 

I can't say I'm in an open relationship as my wife is free to do what she wants. I am not. I also understand why she is the way she is and it can't be any other way. I'm neither insecure or jealous. She is both. Jealousy is born of insecurity. Fear of losing his/her love. My wife is out with a workmate this very minute. Will they get up to anything? Probably and she will tell me all about it when she comes in.

A relationship can have however many boundaries or guidelines as it takes to make the relationship work and it's different for all couples.

What couples do
a) is no one else's business
b) works for them
c) should be in agreement on both persons parts

 

Why not lol:mickey:

 

I feel like there's some reading of different people's posts and merging ideas together. I didn't see why I was initially told I was sounding like I wanted to have sex with men, when I never mentioned any genders at all. Now I don't see why the assumption is that we started out believing that we'd be monogamous our whole lives and changed out of boredom. I specifically said we'd been discussing it for a decade before we made the leap. One would be better to infer that I meant that boredom is not a good reason to change the parameters of a relationship; those decisions should be made inside a healthy relationship, not as an attempt to save one.

 

I did not suggest you like men. It was an analogy, because I would still deem your relationship open by the way you describe it. But, I don't see the point in arguing this one out. Thanks for your input in this thread and sorry for any misunderstanding.

Be nice, VG!

Well, other than the fact that I'm gayer by the day, brazilian women creep me out. Give me an Euro girl, any day.

Edit: Something tells me my Euro fantasy will crumble as soon as I get my ass to Europe (where I was born, ironically), though. I don't think the worthy pursuit of not being a character in Cinderella is as easy as a change in continents.

I am only more susceptible to Euro fantasies because European girls are literally the only girls I haven't fucked world over, other than middle east or Indian chicks for whom I have no sexual fantasy whatsoever. Not saying I wouldn't do one or that I've never been attracted to any of them, just saying I have no specific fantasy for them.

 

Are you offering? He may change his tune for you

 

Then I apologize for misunderstanding you. I consider myself quite open with a lot of gay friends, and get mistaken for gay a lot and don't get offended. Getting accused of being in denial, however, is offensive, and that's how I misread the comment. I see now it was an analogy.

 

if a relationship is open, then you should communicate with each other about it A LOT.


When we were having our poly adventures, we set aside a few hours one night a week just for us. No TV, no phone, no Internet, no books... music fine though... weirdly clumsy at first and on occasion. I don't mean for sex, though that sometimes was part of it but the communication was the key thing and setting aside that time No Matter What was a commitment we were glad to have made and stuck to.

 

Hello, matchmaker. That's what friends are for!

 

I'm a bit like you snowlover (except I'm not so keen on snow other than skiing) - in an open relationship where at the moment my side is open but she does not act on her side. But over the last three/four years we have evolved - first via 3sums and both of us being open but not communicating the detail to now - open on my my side but all liasons pre-notified and informed about. In other words llike Snowlover we do not lie to each other and I inform her about any plans. Also, while I am bi I do not go with other women, only guys. She is first and foremost my primary relationship.

Any open relationship is individual and must be designed to suit the partners but all can be fraught with difficulty and often need to adapt along the way to suit possible changing circumstances of each partner. It is said that only 7% of open relationships survive where one partner has mixed orientation; I like to think that we wil make it after 20 years of marriage. Complete honesty and openess is essential as also is love.

Simon :sunny: