Fucked up or slightly enlightened?

I come with a important situation. First a back story.

I have smoked weed for years, tried mdma,cocaine,amphetamines - all only a couple of times.
Mushrooms were my first psychedelic, my first trip was 2.2g - a very pleasant experience and incredible entrance to the world of psych's.
My second trip was 4.4g, same conditions, indoors in colorful and calm surrounding. I was tired, having had little sleep, but figured the awakening effect i previously received would put me into energized mode... Anyway i had a deep experience... at first a rough come up with incredible stomach rot (dry raw mushrooms on empty stomach with lemon slice tea). After that a strong trip, where at a point i just said this is all a joke... I had written a long trip report somewhere, but most of the trip was simply undigested info.

Anyway, after thinking it through, i realized i am now under the idea that there is no such thing as reality. It is just similarities in perception most of us share... Basically i began thinking there is much more there then i see and even physically am capable of seeing... Think the new dimension bought by the ability to magnify and view an objects cellular structure through a microscope... Or look far out into a dark patch of the sky and find millions of stars... All impossible to us naturally, all made possible through technology and scientific advances...

Basically, i began living under the impression that everything i think i know or see may be not real. Now i am always, and have been for as long as i have tried different perceptions induced from substances have been questioning my sanity, looking into psychology and even philosophy to try better understand myself, why i am the way i am and do things the way i do, simply put, an observation that i have never really been normal in comparison to other people. So far i have simply pointed out introversion, which i read into and it pretty much explains a lot and put my mind at rest for a while.

So anyway, back to after the trip and me seeing the world as possibly an illusion and even a lie. A month or so after the trip, i had a mild flashback of that feeling how everything is a joke, and for a week or so I began feeling like all people, may not exist, and even if they do, are not how i see them and simply life began to seem like just a layer created by my brain, if there even is such a thing as life, and not just that exact layer. Fuck. It was a quite detached state (de-realization/depersonalization?) I began getting paranoid i may have bought on a schizophrenia, or gone mad. I then began asking myself if being crazy is even a bad thing etc etc... Basically i think a lot, people tell me i over complicate/over think things, but this usually comes from people who under think everything so its hard for me to take seriously. Simply put, i used to be slightly paranoid about the exterior, now this paranoia has gone interior. I did not speak out about this to anyone, i felt the ideas were not fully put in my own perspective yet...

Anyway, now after that week of thinking and feeling 'detached' i accepted that so far there is no way for me to really know if other people are real, if this world is real, and even if reality is real... So what this did, was make me lose some trust in my brain and senses. I began feeling like what my senses are capable of telling my brain may be in fact further tampered with by my brain (reduction of detail/filling in/simplification/seeing and hearing what i want to) Which i know is necessary to an extent for survival etc, but thinking of the possibilities this could bring kind of scares me... Like trying to do something while blind, with shitty tools and someone useless dictating the directions. The feeling disappeared when i understood i will not know until death, and perhaps even then there will be no answer for all this. And i am fine. I consider this simply another level of thinking, but at the same time am afraid something bad may have happened to my mind...

Anyway, i asked a close person whom i trust, to warn me if at some point i begin acting more questionable then usual, in case i don't notice it myself.
Right now this is not interfering at all with my life, it is all internal, like i am no longer just questioning everything, but now also questioning the answers i give to myself because i don't trust them blindly like before... Mad?

Yesterday i watched ''Shutter Island'', it really affected me because i felt its possible my whole life may be a similar situation and i can not tell... ''its all a joke''.

So i ask, do you guys think i am mad?
I do not hear voices/see things that are not there, i am really peaceful, and non violent and harmless, should i quit tripping ?
Because i really don't want to but am cautious of fucking myself up.

 

sounds like the average human mind

 

The question, fucked up or slightly enlightened, is indicative of a state of confusion or indecision. When you start debating with yourself about the existence of reality it is the mother of all doubt and there is never a moments serenity in that idea. You are real, however your real nature remains undiscovered. How do I know your real nature remains unknown to you, you doubt reality. It is unknown to you but not unknowable. However no one and no thing can establish this for you, it requires the personal sacrifice of your own metabolism.

 

i felt that way too after shutter island!!! and no you seem pretty ordinary just i little too paranoid about things, i'm the same way.

 

If you question your sanity you are sane.

Because an insane person would not see the holes in their logic, they would not question if everyone thought the same as them.

I have had some pretty strange thoughts tripping as well.

 

I agree with this.
I dont agree with "there is no serentiy" in doubting reality tho. I find that there is plenty.

 

i agree that our senses are probably not 100% accurate, and that there is a good chuck of reality that we can't perceive. but i think that evolution built us a pretty good set of senses as far as survival is concerned. so what if your senses aren't "real" or other people aren't "real?" (i think that 2nd one is a little far fetched) what can you do about it? nothing really. just live life.
i don't think you're mad.

 

The serenity is in discovering the truth. Worry, doubt, is allayed when you are secure in the out come.

 

OP, you remind me quite a bit of myself, as i have also had very similar thoughts at different points in my life. It's the ultimate mystery between subjective and objective experience and what is considered real and what's not.

Movies like Shutter Island, The Truman Show, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and other psychological thrillers always have a deep impact on me because they always kind of allow you to look around at your reality and question all of it.

My advice to you regarding your paranoia of going mad would simply start off with something simple...what is mad? How do you actually define insanity? Usually the answer i always receive goes something along the lines of "having delusions regarding what's real, and what's not" or "believing in false ideas that don't accord with reality".

Well how do you define reality exactly? How could you ever know what is actually real? Someone else or even a whole group of other people could say one thing is real but just because it's real to them does not necessarily define it as true reality, especially if it doesn't accord with your own experience.

When somebody like Galileo can completely shake the foundations of how an entire planet views their world and their universe in a relatively short amount of time then how can you ever assume that this thing called "reality" is a solid and stable thing? The fact is, it's not. It's always changing. It's an ongoing trip into the unknown.

All you can ever really do is go off of your own resources. The only thing that you ever really know for sure is what your own perception is telling you.

So my advice to you would be to trust yourself and to even be playful with the idea of being insane, simply because in my opinion you should be open to all possibilities, including the idea that tomorrow you could be dead.

And don't seperate yourself from whatever it is you fear. Rather, merge with it (which is what i mean when i say to be open to all possibilities), because it's only when you create a split within yourself that some kind of conflict will arise in your life, whether interior or exterior.

That's my two cents

 

because of these sorts of questions, my mind has been required to adopt an attitude of believing everything while at the same time believing nothing. i think when it comes right down to it, all we can know is that we dont know.

 

word

 

Must spread AIDS first so I'll just quote you.

 

I thought of those exact same things while shrooming and it triggered a bad trip. I thought the world was everyone playing a joke on me and fucking with me.