Gender/ male feminity

FugitiveGreen · Jul 27, 2025 at 3:43 AM

Hello, I'm 40 (M), I've recently came out as bi to my female partner. She's also bi and has been really supportive. I've found that coming out as bi has led me to explore my more feminine side. I know sexuality and gender aren't the same thing but I think there a link there for me.

I'm wondering what's the difference between gender fluidity and male feminity? I know there is a difference but I'm trying to work it out in myself.

A bit of my backstory - I always knew from when I was a teenager that I was interested in the same sex, I just never accepted it. I also wondered quite a bit what it would be like to be a girl growing up. I liked to hang around with girls at school and I still prefer female company. I used to wonder a lot about gender, questioning why we have to conform to a certain way and fit into gender roles. I've also been into women's clothing, I buy my partner a lot of her clothes but I have dressed occasionally in women's clothing while by myself. I've often found myself being envious of what women wear - thinking "I wish I could wear that outfit". I used to think up whole outfits.

Unfortunately during my 20s and 30s I shut out this part of myself, probably due to social stigma. I'm now accepting my sexuality and also exploring my gender/ feminine side. My partner has told me in the past that I have a feminine energy. I present as male but those whole know me closely probably realise this part of me.

Any thoughts or advice on gender and femininity in men would be greatly appreciated

KathyL · Jul 27, 2025 at 7:26 AM

As you noted, sex and gender are different. Sex is whom you want to be with. Gender is who you are.

Gender fluidity means that your sense of who you are changes. Some days you feel more masculine and some days you feel more feminine. The extreme of gender fluidity is bi-gender, where your sense of self is quite binary: a man or a woman, but never anything in between. I know one person who identified as bi-gender for quite a while. Some days they were male and some days they were female. (They were military and wore either male uniform or female uniform, depending on their sense of self each day.) They are slowly starting to realize that they are trans-feminine and that their male persona was just for family convenience, but they still alternate presentations, with nothing in between.

Gender-fluidity is less common than non-binary. Non-binary means that your sense of self is somewhere between masculine and feminine, with characteristics of both. It may be more of one or the other, but is seldom fully either, and it typically doesn't change much.

There is also something called gender non-conforming. That might be someone who identifies as male, but likes to present with some feminine style, or vice-versa. A lot of these labels overlap.

I don't worry too much about labels, and it is hard to assign a label to someone on the basis of one post. Based on your post, I don't see much sign of gender fluidity. I would say that you are certainly gender non-conforming, at least. You might be non-binary. Or you might be trans-feminine.

It is important not to get hung up on labels. Not just because of the difficulty of picking the "right" one, but more because your understanding of your identity is likely to change as you get to know yourself better. I thought I was a slightly feminine male for years (decades!) until I finally realized that I am trans and always was. I am not saying that that describes you, but my path is typical, so don't rule it out.

Since you asked for advice, I will give you one piece: it is worthwhile to talk to a gender therapist about this. They won't diagnose you as this or that, but they will help you to get clarity on who you are. If you wish to explore further online, I can give you some links to supportive discussion forums. PM me if interested.

Good luck.

Piobaire · Jul 27, 2025 at 7:56 AM

As our culturally defined gender stereotypes arbitrarily define masculinity as aggressive and violent, dissociative and suppressive of emotion, and femininity as nurturing, empathetic, and compassionate, it's difficult for me to see any 'down side' to a male getting in touch with and exploring their innate "femininity", or anyone challenging such bullshit gender or sex role stereotypes and biases in general.

FugitiveGreen · Jul 27, 2025 at 3:13 PM

KathyL said: ↑

As you noted, sex and gender are different. Sex is whom you want to be with. Gender is who you are.

Gender fluidity means that your sense of who you are changes. Some days you feel more masculine and some days you feel more feminine. The extreme of gender fluidity is bi-gender, where your sense of self is quite binary: a man or a woman, but never anything in between. I know one person who identified as bi-gender for quite a while. Some days they were male and some days they were female. (They were military and wore either male uniform or female uniform, depending on their sense of self each day.) They are slowly starting to realize that they are trans-feminine and that their male persona was just for family convenience, but they still alternate presentations, with nothing in between.

Gender-fluidity is less common than non-binary. Non-binary means that your sense of self is somewhere between masculine and feminine, with characteristics of both. It may be more of one or the other, but is seldom fully either, and it typically doesn't change much.

There is also something called gender non-conforming. That might be someone who identifies as male, but likes to present with some feminine style, or vice-versa. A lot of these labels overlap.

I don't worry too much about labels, and it is hard to assign a label to someone on the basis of one post. Based on your post, I don't see much sign of gender fluidity. I would say that you are certainly gender non-conforming, at least. You might be non-binary. Or you might be trans-feminine.

It is important not to get hung up on labels. Not just because of the difficulty of picking the "right" one, but more because your understanding of your identity is likely to change as you get to know yourself better. I thought I was a slightly feminine male for years (decades!) until I finally realized that I am trans and always was. I am not saying that that describes you, but my path is typical, so don't rule it out.

Since you asked for advice, I will give you one piece: it is worthwhile to talk to a gender therapist about this. They won't diagnose you as this or that, but they will help you to get clarity on who you are. If you wish to explore further online, I can give you some links to supportive discussion forums. PM me if interested.

Good luck.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your reply. That all makes a lot of sense! I've not heard of gender non-comforming before, it certainly sounds like that could possibly be the case with me. It's great to hear other people's stories.

I really appreciate the support and info. I may well get in touch.

FugitiveGreen · Jul 27, 2025 at 3:15 PM

Piobaire said: ↑

As our culturally defined gender stereotypes arbitrarily define masculinity as aggressive and violent, dissociative and suppressive of emotion, and femininity as nurturing, empathetic, and compassionate, it's difficult for me to see any 'down side' to a male getting in touch with and exploring their innate "femininity", or anyone challenging such bullshit gender or sex role stereotypes and biases in general.
Click to expand...

I definitely agree! I see myself as a compassionate and caring person. No bad thing

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Gender/ male feminity

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