Genuine or played?...Please help!

Sorry this is soo long you'll really help me out if you'd read and respond. Thanks so much!! Hey all! I'm hoping you can shed some light on what's happening with a guy I've been seeing. I feel like he could just have me on a rope. I met him about 2-3 months ago. It was only meant to be casual sex, he txt me when he left said he wants to come back and see me a lot 2 days later he was trying to tee up another night. I saw him again, he wanted kinky sex in different places and quite often, I asked him if he wanted a fb or more fwb, he said fwb. When he tried to set up days/times to see me he'd be like are you free now? Are you free in 1/2 hr? I kept saying no I was at work etc which I was and said you have to be reasonable about giving me notice. He'd ask me I'd reply he often wouldn't respond if I tried to make any alternative times etc, eventually I said sorry this is all too hard I wanted a regular but you're too spontaneous and never reply id like to move on... Boom! He replied instantly he was saying no way you can't just do that I'm sorry I've been busy please I really want to make this work, please blah blah. I thought ok I'll give it another go. He mentioned he deleted his acc on the dating app I met him from and said he did it because he found what he was looking for and it was me. *but I saw him on another app. So what do I want? Fwb but doors are open. I'm not chasing a relationship but if it happens so be it. I txt him saying you can do what you want, see who you want but I'm pissed you lied you're trying to tell me you like me deleted your acc for me and your on another dating app why did you bother to say anything? You could have still got regular sex without saying that. Anyway, in convo I said I was seeing someone just dating nothing sexual. He seemed to get upset and said it doesn't matter, that's what I wanted with you, I always said I wanted fwb and you're seeing someone else so I mean nothing to you. Its hard when I've got feelings for you! I started to get confused about what he really wanted. He said he's just gone beyond the sex stage now he wants to take me out movies drives drinks dinner etc and he likes me too much now. Whenever I've said I'd like to move on he says no sorry I'm not going anywhere because I like you and want to get to know you. The problem is I hear from him every 3 days and I still haven't been out with him and he hadn't stayed over. We've hung out without sex twice at my place. He hangs around a bit and says I got to go I've got work early or something. *The way I see it if he was that interested he'd be in contact more and put more effort in, i hadn't seen him for a week and a half until last night. This doesn't seem straightforward where he's showing he's really interested or I'd try to initiate doing things together. I'm wondering if it's me and I'm doing something wrong here. Can someone please help me with my confusion I'm really lost. Tell me if I'm expecting too much and i should go with the flow or kick him to the curb because he's game playing. Thanks so much for such a long read!

 

Anyone, please?

 

First off if you want people to read all that, paragraphs would be nice.

From what I gathered it seems like you are being used. It is time to move on.

 

Fair enough, I apologise for the format.

Thank you for your honesty, he thinks I'm out on the town tonight because I mentioned last night I was probably going out, but I'm not, he's sent me a msg asking me where I am and he wants to meet up with me where I am.

 

Starting to sound like a stalker. :hide:

 

Lol! Nah I don't think that, I do agree with your first reply. He did that last weekend too because he knew I was out. He seems happy enough to get to gather when we're already out in the same vicinity or could be under the influence of alcohol but regardless if he can't follow on with what he says then basically he's using me for sex and full of s*it.

 

I don't usually spout my opinion about (much) but you did ask, so ...

If you're going to meet up with guys for casual sex this whole thing is the sort of thing you will have to work out how to deal with.

The sex is what you wanted, the shit isn't. He's mean, evil, and controlling. Get tough, get yourself together and get away. No half way measures of "maybe sometimes". It's not like you're trying to leave a long time love or anything.

If you need sex that much find a fun guy.

(BTW I put the + on Spectacles first post too.)

 

I get it and understand both of you. Just saying.. I'm not looking for a relationship out if sex but if it happens well all good. If he wanted just sex he should have just said that and everything would have continued but he's telling me things he thinks I want to hear and not going through with it. So it's not so much what I want it's not so much what he wants but it's his game and dishonesty that's turned me off. I just think he should have either left it simple or if he felt and wanted more then show it without all the talk and just 'maybe' something might eventuate. Your replies have made it clearer about what's going on though

 

^I hope you told him exactly what you just said in the above post.


But honestly I think he's a sociopath, his behavior doesn't necessarily even sound particularly male. There are enough guys out there who are totally willing to be straight and have a friends with benefits "relationship" deal, without all the drama.

His actions tend to imply he enjoys or gets off on the drama and mental anguish.

I'd cut all ties and not regret it.

 

^Don't do this, if you tell him you're going out, go out, otherwise he might stalk you, find out you lied, and then go into a rage because now his mind can wander and his mind feels out of control.

 

I didn't lie I was pretty tired and opted for a night in. I was going, I just changed my mind that's all

 

That's exactly what I want and yes I told him from the start, friendship, dates and sex. I'm happy to live by myself right now and still have my gf's go out and have a life, but I was also happy if he would like to see if there was anymore than that. Not expecting but with all the bulls*it I couldn't be bothered. And yes he's not a long term love so I'm fine to move on but thanks all for the clarity.

 

It's cool, I'm just saying FROM THEIR PERSPECTIVE it'll be perceived as a lie, and technically it was. Regardless it's always how things are perceived by the other person that matters when it comes to personal safety. It's just wise to safeguard yourself as much at possible, yet not be a recluse at the same time.

In my humble opinion, if you say your going to do something, but don't follow your own word, it is a lie. And guys do this too which causes problems for men and women, boys and girls. (And having a boss who does this too is soooo annoying but I'm going off on a tangent)

 

Rather than focusing on what he does or doesn't want and what he is or isn't doing, what about you?

I think keep it simple, does he make you happy? - i'm guessing not so it isn't fun. I think it is easy to get addicted to someone or something that is making us work harder, bringing out our insecurities or giving us drama in our otherwise less than thrilling lives.

You need to ask yourself what it is you want from life, make yourself happy then you will stop getting into these situations. Sex can be fun and casual but should always include respect. You can only get respect if you give it to yourself. If you could have a thousand pounds a month for doing nothing you'd take it. He has the upper hand here, he is enjoying the fact you will jump when he says. I think you have to take a bit of responsibility for that and I suggest that you work on your self esteem and don't allow yourself to be treated like this.
You say you don't want more than sex but you should, you should want respect and friendship if nothing else.
The way to get out of this is not to pretend to be out, he knows you will cancel your plans for him. Ignore him, join a dating site there are free ones, you can get attention on there to fill the void cutting him off with create and then think before you get involved again.
If you sleep with him again you are saying - i'm only worth be a charity screw, you are worth more. Sure have a casual fling but with someone who is mature enough to give you respect and friendship with it.

Good luck, and stop talking to him, he'll get the message and find some other poor person soon enough.

 

From everything you've written, this guy screams manipulative, controlling, unstable sociopath. Awful characteristics for a fwb, much less a boyfriend.

 

What lickshots said. The guy's a controller. Curb.

BTW, what's a fwb?

 

i agree with mzaleena.

 

Awesome advice! I agree whole heatedly you couldn't have said any of this better! I hadn't heard from him for 5 days then I get a MSG I've got the afternoon off what are you up to? I never replied. I have not replied for a few days he's now getting angry yesterday he said why are you being a shit for!? I ignored today he asked what I was doing, I ignored then I got a MSG saying are you going to act your age and at least tell me what's going on?? I haven't replied. Even though I'm ignoring I have a feeling there's a big storm coming. I know I sound week but I've never been in this sort of situation. I look at you guys as friends taking your advice so I can't tell you all how much I appreciate all of it. Your written advice doesn't stop here. I read it agree with it and then use it. I'm just finding it hard that I know it's about to get really nasty

 

Friends with Benefits hun. Just someone you might go watch a movie with share a pizza and a beer somewhere. Just friendship with sex but no commitment and they generally don't live with you.

 

Friends with benefits relationships almost always starts out as a physical business-like arrangement, but one or both usually develop emotional attachments and end up hurt.