Getting over trauma and getting back to my "normal" sex life.

(Fear not, no details on the trauma.)

("Normal" in quotes because I don't believe there is any one "normal" kind of sex. There are as many ways to have sex as there are people on this planet, and in my mind, as long as it's between two consenting adults and nobody gets hurt and the lines of communication are open in some way, it's fine.)

Okay. I've got this amazing boyfriend. Gorgeous, funny, sexy, absolutely amazing in bed. (Loving, giving, adaptable, and gives me shuddering-happy crying-shaking-everything-going-numb orgasms.) We've dated on and off for the past two years and things have been nothing short of amazing with us. We've rarely had issues, and when we did, it was usually me being immature.

I went through some trauma last year and some more earlier this year (not at the hands of this boyfriend), and even since I got back from the hospital six weeks ago, I haven't been able to even tongue kiss my boyfriend, let alone have sex. We both miss it intensely - we're both 23, hormonal, horny young people, and as I mentioned, our sex life used to be incredible. Now, if I so much as think seriously about sex, I usually have to run to the bathroom to puke. I'm not even kidding. I sometimes get really turned on and cry because I just feel absolutely disgusting and filthy and horrible.

I'm struggling to get back to that normal sex life. We're working on kissing first, then moving on to other stuff. We talked about pegging and how much we missed it last night; I had exactly one hour of sleep, full of rape nightmares, and threw up as soon as I woke up.

Tomorrow I go over to his place to work on kissing. I am absolutely terrified - of the actual kissing, yes, but more that I'm going to freak out, throw up, cry, or all three, and that he'll get fed up with me. He's told me a thousand times "don't push yourself on my account, I love you and I'll wait as long as you need me to, the important thing is you recovering from this," but I can't help but wonder if he can actually mean that. I mean, it might be months before I'm "normal" again.

He keeps telling me to take it slow, but...I miss sex. Like, really miss it. I'm reading erotica to try to get myself back into the swing of things. Half the time I get turned on and touch myself and feel good. And it's amazing. I missed it so much. But the other half of the time, I run off to the bathroom to be sick. And the nightmares are really bad. They haven't been this bad since just after the trauma.

Any tips on getting used to having sex again? I'm tempted to try going to a sex therapist, but I feel like that would just be too embarrassing. Easier to hide behind the phosphor glow of my computer and ask some perfect strangers...

~Eva

 

I don't have any experience with this but I look at you saying that you've only been out of the hospital for 6 weeks and I think "That's hardly any time at all!".

I'd say don't push your yourself. Enjoy your boyfriend's company without any expectations and when you've healed you may surprise yourself one day with a completely spontaneous kiss and be on your way to sexual bliss again.

 

From what you are explaining about your actual physical reaction to kissing or even thinking about sex, you must have been through some serious trauma.
Throwing up/crying ? That is what could be consisered serious anxiety.
Doctors have pills that can help you with that.
You should ask your Dr for anxeity meds.
You should definately talk to a therapist to work out the mental damage from the trauma you endured. And not a sex therapist, but a normal therapist.
I have known some wonderful women that have had some horrible things happen to them. You will need mental/emothional healing. Please don't blow this off, as sexual abuse if untreated will unravel you.
You probably are not ready for sex. And you might not be for some time.
Best wishes to you.

 

It sounds like you're going through PTSD. I'll bet you have been given the names of several places that can help you.

Go on over to your boyfriends, practice kissing, freak out if you need to. Your bf sounds like a stand-up guy who can handle that and would want to help you with what you need.

But call one of those places you've been referred to. You and your boyfriend don't have the tools that you need to get fully well.

 

Yeah you NEED professional help in this situation.

And both of you need to NOT get frustrated with the other. This healing process you need to go through is different for everybody. Some can snap out of it really quick and others take years to come to terms after something like this happens.

Regardless, be patient with yourself and with him as he should be with himself and you as well.

I wish you guys the best!

My layman's tip: is to really try to focus on the love and acceptance your boyfriend has shown you bask in it, you're worthy of it.