Girlfriend loves me, loves her band, but has feelings for her bandmate

In a lot of pain and dealing with a lot of confusion this morning. My girlfriend and i have had a beautiful, intensely loving and caring relationship for the past year and a half. She is the woman of my dreams and she has repeatedly indicated that she feels the same way about me. My girlfriend has also long dreamed of being a professional musician as music and playing it for people is her greatest passion. About a month ago she was offered a spot in a duo that has tremendous real potential (already getting multiple tour offers and tons of buzz) for success and who's music she loves. She obviously jumped on it and began recording with him. He lives out of state so she's been having to make trips there in order to do it, although he's moving here soon. I obviously felt a bit uncomfortable with the idea of her going out of state to work with one dude, but made up my mind that even though it was uncomfortable, I just have to trust in our love and support her in following her dream. She loves the music they make and feels like this band is her future.

Now the predicament--the other day she came back and was sort of off. I kept pressing her to tell me what's wrong and finally after a few days of weirdness she broke down crying and said she had developed feelings for this guy. Not nearly as strong as her feelings for me, but feelings nonetheless. She says she still is madly in love with me but is also in love with making this band her future and the problem is, she has tours abroad set up with this guy (again they are the only two in the band) and doesn't know what to do about prolonged isolation with him most likely leading to her wanting him more or worse falling in love with him. She's also worried about what stress I'll be under knowing she's away with a guy she has feelings for. But, this band means so much to her.

My initial reaction was of course pain and anger--how could this even be a question due to the strength of our love that she still asserts. But, I realize how much the band and music means to her so I also understand her predicament. In good conscience I can't tell her to choose me or the band because if she chooses only me I know it will come with some measure of resentment and she will have to give up her dream. So I told her that I didn't care what stress it caused me and that I'm willing to face that uncertainty if we stand together and make a commitment to each other that because we love each other we're going to fight through it and she's going to fight feelings for this guy while away with him. She said shes just so confused and needs to be alone for a few days to work things out. The part that's so puzzling to me is that if she truly loves me as much as she says and shows, and since i show such love and respect and kindness to her, why would it even be in question whether she tries to fight feelings for a guy she's only ever hung out with in person probably a total of ten days. I realize moving forward with band and relationship would be hard for both of us, but I can't help this desperate feeling that I want her to snap out of it and realize how special and irreplaceable what we have is. Nearly all of our friends in fact have always said they've never seen a more truly loving and tight couple. I'm going to respect her wishes and let her be on her own a few days (though I've also told her that if it comes down to it I'm not giving her up easily). However, the rate at which this suddenly flipped is just eating at me and the fact that she has to think about this, while on some levels I understand, on other levels really hurts. Im just wondering if anyone has any advice or similar experiences to share. I feel like I'm caught in a perfect storm.

 

Wow...I understand how hurt you must be. What can be said is that at least she was honest with you. That is a really great sign.

As for the rest...creative projects are intimate experiences and to share that with just one person, especially with such huge potential can certainly bring about feelings of love...attaching those feelings to the person, is not so out of order.

She may just need some time to realize exactly what her feelings are as she may just be overwhelmed by the intimacy of the creative project. Honestly from what you're saying I think you guys are in a really health relationship and I would try not to take it personally, although I understand exactly how difficult that is fight.

I think in long-term relationships sometimes feelings will develop and then they go away just as easily. So hopefully she comes to terms with her feelings. Also, I wonder if you could travel along with her during the tours? Distance during intense travel like that can be extremely stressful.

Anyway, wishing you the best.

 

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! Really helps.

 

You'd better make damn sure you hold onto this girl if you really love her. Obviously her head's not on straight, and "confused" is the most likely time for anyone to cheat. If she's with you, she's got no place talking about her feelings for this other guy as if there's a question involved! Do not encourage her to continue with this unless you're okay with losing her... because you probably will. She'll be on the road with this guy, start to feel sad and lonely and need some comfort... she's attracted to the guy... BAM. It will happen. If she didn't think it would, she wouldn't have talked to you about it. I've seen this kind of thing happen before. You can promise to stay loyal to each other, but as soon as she's out the door you'll start to wonder, and with good reason. It takes a lot of strength to do that, and she obviously doesn't have it. You'll be lying to yourself and basically handing your woman over to another man: I think you'll lose her if you go down this road.

 

Dude I really hate to say this, but what is going on does not sound good at all for your future! If she is already getting feelings for this other guy and they have not even spent all that much time together what does that say for her love for you? I don't want to be the bearier of bad news, but brace yourself, because your future with this girl does not look to promising. Myself I would be pissed that she even had to think about this and probably move on. Mojo sent to you.

 

You seem to have a real good head on you. All you can do is try. Understand that sometimes people's lives lead them apart - understand that less often, but still sometimes, no matter the distance or trials, people can stay together.

It's a fine line you're going to have to tread together, to each come out of this situation happy. If I were you I would make a move towards putting your friendship and respect for each other first; and make sure she agrees that it's better for both of you if everything stays out in the open; secrets will only destroy the relationship in the end; a little pain now is better than a lot of pain in the future.

You need to have complete trust in each other if you are going to go forward with this. If you are skeptical that she is not being totally open about it (now or in the future); it may be better for you to end it gracefully, and keep open the option of staying friends, and maybe rekindling your romance if the fires are ever flamed again.


On a more personal note: you are being overly idealistic about your relationship and that is worry-some to me. Yes, some couple are way closer, loving and intimate (mine would be one): but that doesn't make them unbreakable, or even objectively better in any sense. It's perfectly understandable for you to hurt; but you have to try to keep your head and your heart separated. While you should listen to your emotions, you need to keep your rational mind in control of things. It's not impossible for one person to have feelings for another even if they are taken; it's not impossible for one to have feelings for another even if they are totally love; it's not impossible for one person to be totally in love with multiple people; and maybe most importantly, people don't have full control on how they feel or what circumstances they find themselves in.

Stay true to your relationship; stay true to yourself; and even if she fails to, be the better person.

 

I had the same thing. My lady friend I cared very much for when I lived in Hawaii,had an opportunity to move to Ashland,Oregon and act in the Shakespeare festival. I wanted her to stay with me in Hawaii,but I knew she really wanted to be an actress and should go,so I encouraged her. When I went thru Oregon to travel across Canada and stopped to see her, she cried and said a guy she had been in the company with had asked her to get married. It happens. She went on to be in the TV show-Fridays -and make a movie or two,so I saw that I had made the right decision. I may have been able to keep her from getting married and staying with me,but she would have resented me for it. You need,I think,to let her fulfill her dream,regardless of your feelings about what you need. Some changes we make and are ready for and some changes just happen to us that we are not ready for. We must adjust and sometimes the adjustment goes or should go in favor of others.

 

Let her go. Move on with your life. Don't let her back in, when/if things don't work out for her. This whole "I have feelings for both" is bullshit. What she means to say is, I'm comfortable in this situation, but I want to try this situation more, but I don't want to have make a choice, or take responsibility for a decision I've already made, and I certainly don't want to experience any guilt as a result of my actions. Move on, but don't allow her to sugar coat the pill she's forcing down your throat, just to ease her conscience. If you care about her as a person at all, you need to force her to take ownership of her decisions and the subsequent consequences. Otherwise, you're perpetuating some potentially self-destructive behavior in the future.

 

Inklings have set in, and usually it's a sign of prioritizing other things over you. It is the band, and touring, and music, then you, and a little bit of this guy. None of it adds up to having a relationship. If she were ready and knew how to adequately juggle it all, you wouldn't have worries. It's one of those awful scenarios where you "set them free, if they love you, they'll come back". The hurt is torture, I know. I'm sorry.

 

I just want to clarify that I think this is very possible; and even worse, I'm suspicious that her relationship with the other guy hasn't gotten further than she's said. But if he truly loves her, and knows otherwise, or wants to give her the benefit of the doubt, I don't think it's a terrible idea as long as he realizes it probably won't work out.

If it is a case of her having self-destructive behavior, I doubt she'll have trouble avoiding it in the future. Creative people that fall for their collaborators usually find themselves in a cycle of doing so. One of the main reasons relationships are so volatile in Hollywood.

 

I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said.

But honestly I think the feelings she feels are simply the passion of meeting someone new, probably good looking, who shares her passion for music. If I were her I'd doubt if the feelings were genuine love, but I'd have to acknowledge attraction is there.

Also young people need to realize that even if they are going stead with someone or even married, attraction to others doesn't disappear, it's there but it's dulled a bit.
(for habitual cheaters though, this doesn't occur and that's due to their individual brain chemistry but I won't get into that medical study)

But honestly the environment, and emotions have set the stage for cheating to happen between your girlfriend and this guy. It probably will happen, i've not known many people who can resist this kind of environment and emotional setup, with a shared invested interest in something.

If I were you I'd give her a choice:
1. Let her pursue this without guilt

2. Put a lot of trust in her but the first straw breaks the camels back in this situation. (this is where the 3 strikes rule that is traditionally recommended by me doesn't apply here because to much is on the line emotion wise for both the guy and the girl)

But the most important thing is to not guilt trip her into either decision.

Talking to you man to man, in my experience, when a woman enters this kind of confusion and stage of placing her feelings in a love triangle situation, especially when one of the options was a very stable and loving relationship, it's a bad sign. I say this because women are generally fairly good at knowing what is intuitively good or bad for them, but when the emotions overpower their judgement for the long term they focus on their emotions too much.

I'd through a hypothetical question to her, asking if she thinks having a relationship with her co-worker/bandmember is wise for her dream and career in that industry. Because if you do love her, and I think you do, even if she does leave you, I think your main priority should still be her happiness and safety.

P.S. How long term are you guys and what are both of your ages?

 

oh dear, you poor, poor man. How absolutely gut wrenching....i think i would dissolve with the horror of it!!!! Unbelievable blow for you. Here is another angle to consider and to confront her with.

There is a word called commitment. A psychologist friend once told me when i asked him his theory on love, in love, unconditional love etc. He said a healthy relationship requires only 2 things, and these are the first questions he asks couples when they come in for therapy. 1. Do you want to be together. Do you want to commit to the relationship and each other. Then 2. Respect. mutual respect for each other. According to him that's the criteria....from that you start to build it up with commitment to each other and relationship.
How easy for any of us in a relationship to meet and like or love someone else! At work, at the gym, on the business trip....so what stops us pursuing these people? Respect and commitment!!!
Sorry, but what a pathetic, spineless, hurtful act on her part......oh i met him. I like him. fuck you. (almost) where is the self control. Where is the respect for your relationship. What a head fuck of a thing to do and say to you. She should find another band memeber. Apologise to you and get a reality check. You should do the same.....say, actually there is this lady at work...and on the bus, I have been controlling my desire to chat and get to know them out of respect.....but hey....i think im in love with them.....sorry, but you should send that woman on the tour, bag and baggage. What an ass. Think about it everyone. What is stopping all of us in relationships just going with emotions etc.....Im asking you all. Don't you think you are pandering to an ass of a woman? ....Like i said......you poor poor man. A victim of this dark, disposable society.

 

What stops us being ruled by emotions? Most will argue all of our decisions are made by emotions. But specifically what prevents one from being loyal in romance versus unloyal.

I know some guys when they are really in love with a woman, and not because of the sex, and this happens it a complete blindside. But a huge difference about not being fickle in relationships has to do with the level of maturity. Which is why I asked how old the OP and his girlfriend were and how long they were together?

If it's just 2 years, that's not to long imho, 4 years is a long term relationship in my humble opinion.

 

If she does the band thing, you will lose her. I would say I am.in no way comfortable with her doin that

 

Wow... you're taking this in a very mature way and honestly it sounds like you're keeping a much better head than I would keen in that situation. I feel unqualified to give you any advice except to say that you're absolutely right to not make her choose between you and her future prospects. Neither choice she could make will end well for you.

 

Whatever happens, keep your understanding attitude. It will make any outcome easier to deal with.

Think about it this way-- as much as her going to him would hurt, it would be a lot less painful than struggling through a relationship with her, that she may not want to be in, that would inevitably come to and end at some point later on. You can't monitor her, or tell her to choose. Just tell her you're willing to do whatever it takes (it sounds like you are) but make sure she knows that her decisions are ultimately her responsibility.

Although, if something like this happened to me, I would not be able to trust her in the future, regardless of what seemed to happen. Maybe if I was stronger I would.

Either way, you probably know that this is about HER and HER choices, and while they directly impact you, nothing another person can do or say can speak more to your own emotions than how you react to the process.

I'm sorry about this... I would be crushed... just hold strong and it sounds like you're doing a good job so far.

 

Good point there monkir......My mind was following more an angle of controlling your emotions and exercising some self disipline rather than allowing emotions and moods etc to control us. Stemming from commitment. Yes the age question......I should have asked too...

 

Ugh why does everyone write these essay posts!? Any way despite your rambling, it seams she wants to explore other options as far as guys go and at this point ur just holding her back. Let the girl fly if she wants to. Don't you think u deserve someone who isn't going to love someone else and need to think about how they feel and make a choice their shouldn't be a choice she should just love you and that should be enough for her to be able to put what ever feelings she has for this guy on the side and not pay much attention to them. She feels she owes it to herself to peruse this regardles of you feelings then she needs to just go she seems fickle.

 

Oh fuck that. You need some stability and control of your emotions. I'm not dating some nut who will go after some guy the minute "her emotions" run over her. You had it right at first... girl is being selfish and if she is playing the "I'm a girl and I don't know what to do with my emotions!" card then damn. There goes 2 years with what OP thought was an adult.