this has been a huge part of my life lately...my dad recently died and my mom is sorta kooky, as to be expected. now it's just me and mom living at home, and i'm getting too old to be living with mom...i love her dearly, dearly, but... well, moms, make sure you've got your own lives, aside from being a mom. after MUCH thought on the topic, i've realized that the reason my mom depends so much on me for her happiness is because i've been her life for the past 24 years. she was a stay at home mom, didn't get a job till i was in h.s. and even then, was home by the time i arrived home from school. her friends were mostly the parents of my friends, and going out at night usually included my brother and myself. we have always been a very close family. however... now my brother's moved out, and i'll be doing the same sometime soon, and i crave my autonomy so much right now, it's making me crazy. my friends are free to come over, but mom's always there. she's really cool with everything, but still... she doesn't go out much, and i feel guilty when i do because she's alone. her friends are all 'couples' and not too easy to identify with anymore. as related to you guys, well, my mom never really had many hobbies because her KIDS were her hobbies and pasttimes. now i keep urging her to DO something, but she doesn't know what - she works at and unfulfilling job, and i truly feel like i make the difference between when she's happy and sad. THAT's a lot of pressure for a kid! even a grown one! so remember that. you all seem like cool mamas...
This kinda strums a cord with me. Right before I got pregnant I had to quit my job. (various reasons) Was FINALLY gonna start college. Got really excited about it for the first time, then I got knocked up. Didn't know when we were gonna move, (have to, can't have the baby here.) So I've been stuck at home all day while my mate works. This apartment is tiny and I don't particularly like the city. Though DC is a nice city if you have to be in one. I'm not so hot at making friends either. I'm kinda scared this will be my life FOREVER. I love being pregnant and my baby, just don't want to lose my identity, ya know? It's harder coz' my mate is 35, (I'm a youngin' at 22.) he's had his fun and seen the world. Anyhow, thanks for letting me vent.
thats a good point you made, my life stopped when i got pregnant, i moved back to essex to be near my mum, cos she was putting so much pressure on me to do so, and all my friends there moved away. so i have done nothing really for the last 14 months. we made the descision to move back into london to be nearer people we knew this week, and it feels so good, lol. im a little scared, cos ive only lived away from my family for a few months at uni b4 i got pregnant. but hrll, im dying of bordom and depression where we are right now, its just not my kind of place you know, hip people are freaks there really (its chav heaven). but i neeeeed to have a life, im going to uni again next year(2006) in N-london(fingers crossed) so things should start working out soon.
That's probably me in a few years, lol. My kids ARE my whole life, and i think that's the way it should be. Before they graduate high school at least Sure, my original identity is forever lost, but to he honest, i don't even want to be the person i was before motherhood. So all my hobbies involve the kids...i think that's ok. Maybe i'm overly attached to them, but that's something i can work on much later. Besides...i'll only be 40 when my youngest turns 18, so i can have a life then i've known people to go to college and start careers even later than that!
One of the essensials of being a good mother is to be ATTACHED when the child is an infant and young child and then GROW with the child, until the child doens't need as much from you anymore. My babies and I had "super glue" bonds when they were very young. But, the bond changed, matured and grew, as they did. (This is one of the essences of Attachment, if it's done properly, it gradually morphs into a more mature form, which doesn't require constant contact or overbearingness or intrusiveness into the child's life as they grow.) I've had no trouble "letting go" of my older teens. It was a natural progresssion of good Attachment. I know the things Bear and I taught them were internalized (well, some of it) and that isn't painful, as you are proud as you watch that child going out into the world, as a healthy adult. I have an aunt who never really attached to her kids properly. She certainly was a SAHM (just being a SAHM is no guarentee of good attachment and bonding) but she was very standoffish with her children. And emotionally and physically abusive. Her kids are MY age now, and she still can't let go. They are "required" to be at her house for dinner EVERY Saturday night (which makes it impossible for them to socialize properly) she holds the mortgage for at least 3 or the 5 of them, holds this over them, lends them money, babysits "for free" and then emotionally blackmails them whenever they want to have their own lives, and she just won't let go. Maybe if she had attached properly in the first place, she could let them grow up. Of course, not having been properly bonded as infants, they are still alternatively soaking up and fighting her attempts at keeping them reined in. It's sad, really. Kayte, I am NOT saying that this is your mom's issue. I have no idea why your mom can't let go. But one can be a SAHM, still keep her own interests, her own freinds, and still allow her children to live their own lives. You may have to be one of those young adults who have to kind of "push" your way into independence. Whether she is ready for it or not. One does not owe a parents their lives, simply because that parent stayed home and raised them. A healthy parents WANTS their children to grow into healthy, independent adults.
One more thing. My mom is the above womyn's sister. She also had a great difficulty with bonding (babies sleeping on her, or "needing me too much" made her feel "too tied down.") My mom has tried several times to force this kind of "attachment" her sister uses on her kids. On several occasions, when I was in my 30s and 40s she told me "I insist you call me at least once a day." I simply said, "No that isn't neccesary. I'll call you when I want to." And she replied, "Well if I am lying at the bottom of the stairs for three days, dying of thirst, because I fell and no one knew about it, you'll wish you had done it. I said goodbye and hung up. I'm not playing that shit.
I feel the same way RyreWillow, except I do not feel that I lost my identity. I was always a nurturer, even from the time I was a very young girl. It's just me. I actually felt more like I truly found myself when I became a mother. Not just because of becoming a parent, but because I also opened my eyes to many things, realized who I really am inside. Which makes me believe that once my children are older and I set foot back into the work force outside of my home, I am considering going back to school to become a nurse. Right now I know that my children are my life. But how can they not be? They are still very young yet. My oldest little boy is 5 years old, and my twins, a boy and a girl, are 2 years old. My life literally revolves around them at this moment. But I wouldn't have it any other way. {{{HUGS}}}
But, RyvreWillow, you are growing into an other person, not losing yourself. You won't be the same exact person, if you let your children into your life, (how could you?) it just can't be. But you can be A person, still RyverWillow, and a great one at that. You are growing into a strong, great mama. Most of us temporarily "lose" ourselves when we have young babies, it is just like falling in love. But you grow and change into something more mature and happy, as the relationship grows. Keep up the good work, mamas!
OMG I can so relate to this. My mom has been dead for over 6 years but she still has this kind of hold on me. I still can't do things I know she wouldn't approve of. When I asked her to stop paying my rent so I could learn to live on my own, (I was 35 at the time) she said "How can you do this to your family." When I finally got up the courage to move away she accused me of betraying the family. I eventually moved back home. Then when my dad got so sick, I couldn't stand to watch him go downhill so fast. And I was afraid of how my mom would react when he died. So I moved away again. She told me I had turned my back on her in her hour of greatest need. I don't think she ever forgave me for that. But she was just like you discribed, babysitting, giving money, then blackmailing me. It was awful. Kathi
Wow this thread stirred up a lot of emotions for me. I am a stay at home Mom. I have been for 6 1/2 years. I had my first child at 25 and my last child at 26.(I have 2 peanuts) I married my husband when I was 21. I didn't do a whole lot of living before that. My husband was 27 when we got married. He had lived on his own for a bit, lived his life the way he wanted to, experienced independce, etc... I went from my parent's nest to my married nest. Then we had children after 3 years of marriage. Other than when my husband is home I have been the one raising my son's. I didn't have help from anyone. No overnighters, no time out, no time alone. Pretty much to this day it's been like that. Once in a blue moon my husbands parents will take the boys overnight now that their other grandsons have their Dad back in their lives. Every day is Ground Hog Day around here just about. I get very depressed, frustrated, angry, and VERY bored. I've found a way to hide in myself and I hate it. I've been in therapy, taken medication, really wrassled with a lot of whats going on inside my head because I knew I HAVE to keep it together for my boys, husband, and myself. In saying all this I do love my boys very much. They are very good boys. Next year will be a ground breaker for me and for them. My oldest will be going to first grade and my son will have afternoon Kindergarten. I'll have 3 hours a day by myself. I can't wait. I'm going to find something for ME that will make ME happy. My independence might be coming a lil' later for me in life but it's coming. I am very sorry to hear about your Dad. If you can, while your waiting for your new arrival, get out of the house, breathe in the air while you can and while your free to do it. Your going to be very busy for awhile. You'll appreciate those few deep breaths.
well, i'm not pregnant, and am working hard on staving that off for a couple more years! but, yes, i DO walk outside and just breathe when my mom gets overbaring. let me clarify my situation. the problem with my mom is that she just simply has no hobbies. my mate's mom, for example, plays piano. i paint and sew and bake. my dad read and went to lectures and concerts. my mom would go along with these things, but never had her OWN thing. never went to college to major in anything. didn't place too much importance in 'finding things out.' her friends are basically like her in that they've spent a good portion of their lives raising their children. they don't have too many hobbies either, but that's okay when you've got a mate to 'just hang' with. she doesn't, and so she just sits around a lot. she enjoys reading, but always the same kind of fiction books. she watches some tv and works. sometimes on the weekends she'll go out to dinner with friends, but never just her girlfriends - instead it's always the slightly akward 3rd wheel scenario. i just hate seeing her looking lonely. i really honestly feel that she needs to a) raise her consciousness a bit b) get out and learn to do things on her own and c) stop worrying about me and my brother so much. we've moved on to be successful happy people. she needs to realize that she doesn't NEED us to be happy. we are just assets, happy mediums. but she needs to learn to make herself happy. i think relying on me so much for company is a bit selfish of her in that i am constantly disrupting what i'm doing to take a time out with her. don't get me wrong, i love her dearly. it's just that i'd rather choose when to hang with her over feeling guilty about not doing so. so i guess what i mean is this: sure, put all yourself into raring your children. i will. that is natural and something i'm sure you want to do. just remember that you are yourself, a separate entity. and that, one day, you might be all alone, and you'll have to depend on yourself for happiness. this needn't have a negative undertone. depending on oneself for happiness is, in my opinion, the ultimate freedom. we don't NEED people all the time; it's just a nice addition. i'm working on this autonomy by traveling. i will embark on my adventure by myself, and travel with people when i meet them. that way i will be autonomous and have company, too. if my mom had developed tastes for her own self back when, she'd have more to do now. that's all.
Live your life the way you want to live it. You are the one looking back on it and remembering your experiences. You only live once. Your mom will have to find her own happiness. You can't be held responsible for her happiness. Has your Mom seeked any therapy? It's up to her to help herself. I don't mean that in any disrespect to your Mom. Through your travels I'd send her a postcard or give a call when you can. That will let her know you still value her and care for her. I am sorry I went on a rant. I was too caught up in my own emotions on the subject of making time for ourselves. lol
You said that very well. I think i meant something similar, just less eloquent, lol. We all become different people throughout life, whether the change is gradual, or abrupt; if we welcome or fight it. As long as we don't fight too hard, all is well. So, i guess when parents with grown children don't know what to do next, they're just not ready to embrace that next step. Similar to when a parent refuses to take responsibility for their kids, etc. But, one must get used to it soon, because life moves on, and time spirals without end.
Hugs, Michelle! You are doing so well, sweetie! Kathi, my aunt did that stuff to my cousins, too. When one of my cousins decided to move out, in her 20s (her two older sibs were still living at home) her mother did the same thing, "You are breaking up the family." My Gosh, they were all in their 20s, it wasn't like they were trying to move out at 12. They all stayed with her, except one, until they married. (The youngest isn't married, he was the most indulged, and I am sure she doesn't approve of any of the womyn he brings home. She broke up one of my cousin's marraiges, by not only constantly interfering, but by always putting him down and blaming all my cousin's problems on him. kayte, my mom is the same way. She has no interests, no hobbies, nothing to take up her time. She travels, but is always complaining about it when she gets home "Oh, the food was awful!" (ALL of Europe, the food is awful.....) "It was so hot!" "Your stepfather didn't want to get off of the boat at the ports, so we just sat in the room." Oh Gee, must suck to have all that to complain about LOL! But aside from that, she has NO interests. I have a hard time getting her gifts, because she isn't interested in much. And she is always infering that my interests are burdens, "Oh, you have to WEED gardens, don't you. What a pain." "Isn't having all those new mothers call you all the time really irritating?" "Why do you do all that stuff for free, when you could be making money doing other things?" (Refering to my internet stuff and my LLL volunteering.) What can you do? Live your life and get on with it, I guess.
