help me on my way*** empathetic and wise ears needed!!!

hello everybody, my name is ethan. i love you all very much , i always seem to find just the help and love i need when i need some help. right now in life, i'm in a very new, very confusing place - and like before, i've come to hear anyybody's opinion. i' always cheirsh them so so much, so if you've got a minute, this here is the story of my now - and an indescribable blossoming, and i'm in need of some major major advice!

right now, i'm finding myself very very lost. i've always layed back and enjoyed the flow of life's river, for quite a while now - almost made a non-point of it, things just were. The last little while, i've been noticing how so so so many things happen for a damn ass reason, the good, the bad, the love, the evil. it's all been a beautiful growing process, and mother fuck, i'm growing on into my shoes! i'm 19 now, i'm lovin the best i can, got this uncapturable outlook on life... but i'm finding myself holding onto a LOT of sorrow lately. lately = this last week.
the last few months i've been finding myself becoming a little religious, wiith this source of inspiration not having any name - but somewhere along the lines picking up the title 'god'. so for the remainder of my story, it'll be called god. =P.
now... i've always had dreams of communes and living off the land, harmony, and love - always knew i am meant to live my life (or a good part of it) out on communes, and just living... but i've dumped myself off from highschool into college, and here me and my dreams are just loving eachother and loving eachother. i dream of the road all day- but still in college. this last year, i've been thinking that i need to take a breakkkkk, and head on out next summer, and things were just as they always were, chillin - but a bit more ansty about hitting the road, and a growing detachment from school... but still, i was seeing the beauty in everything the best i could have, and speaking on it now, i know all was how it was supposed to be... but this last week, i had a major major major experience. the experience itself can't be put into words, put it has to do with me and god and hitting the road NOWWWW. not only hitting the road now. it all seemed so so damn obvious to me that night... and at the same time i learned to make NO expectations- to just take the first step with faith. from that moment on, in everythinggggg i've been seeing god - seeing this inspiration - this inspiration of good and growth and direction... but, this vessel is still in college...... and i've been hearing and thinking that "this ship is taking off without you!". i'm afraid that these voices will be true, even though i know there is a big chance it's just some insanity and paranoia =\\\\. but it's driving me up the wall =\\\. i dont know if my God is turning his back on me, or what =(**. right now, i'm nottt seeing myself able to leave college. i've become alright with the idea of leaving school - more then alright - but the idea of scaring my true life dad is my ruling concern (i know it shouldn't scar him, and it's just me living my heart's dream, but i know he wont be happy with it at alllllll). i've kinda brought the notion of to dad that come winter break, there's a big chance that i'll be outta here (now, in my thoughts, i told myself come winter break i'm out of here)... but i still feel that i'm not making this coined God happy, or that i'm stepping off his path. This god never ever ever became this demanding!!! never was, i never though it couldddd be!!! am i just setting down this expectation, and entangling divine destiny and attachment to this thought of simply leaving now???? i've notice lately also, that now unlike EVER before that i'm becoming very conscious of my sins - but not even true sins, just things that i think need correcting... but i dont want to let go of them even!!! like getting high! i love smoking pot, but lately everytime i do, all i hear is "man, you really should be cutting down on this... you know you're supposed to"... =\\\\. and when i'm high, i just feel like i'm willingly telling god to leave, as if he could leave. i've never been this confused, and it all happened with this notion of me needing to leave, NOW!.
(by the way, hurricane is coming right for us in south florida). do you guys understand me? basically... i loveeee this god. it seems that it's becoming less and less of the essence of 'I AM', and more of a creator and omnipresence destinymaker/It, but i'm alright with that, because all is sooooooooooooooo god damn beautiful, soooo god damn beautiful. shows me good, teaches me good by showin me bad. loves me right, shows me despair at all the right times. it used to be nature - or what simply was, now it's becoming this holy Father, and experiences verify such a father MORE THEN ANYONE'S WORDS OR MY EARLIER LOGIC COULD EVER DENY. i loveeee praying, and love sending other people god's love. i'm on fire when i'm with god, i feel and heal and love. it's all been this beautiful insanity, blossoming and beautiful, everythign was - it didn't need to fall into any God, even when there was God, even at his HIGHT - or my belief in it. now, since i've thought i need to depart, my thoughts are that he's leavign me - that my father is dying from me - because i'm staying down here and not running off. i dont want him to**** i dont know if he is, or if he is anything for that matter*!!. if i should wait till the end of the semester and leave in winter, or if he'll even be waiting.! i dont want this deal to go down guys =(. wait until that deal goes round.... dont you let that deal go down.

much much much love everybody. much love and peace. ~Ethan

 

God would not have given us free will if he/she was going to turn away from someone just for making up their own mind. You have to decide if school is important to you and if it will help you along your path in the future.

Confusion is normal, especially at your age; but be assured that even if you screw up, God will still be with you. (and I should know cuz God led me out of a very scary situation even though my faith was not strong in those days; matter of fact, I didn't even realize that it was God that saved me until I found the Light in my own heart)

Take care and stay safe in the hurricane madness. If you want to chat further, please feel free to PM.

Love & Peace Cinnamom

 

more & more i feel the hopi prophesies are right & comming true NOW & its time to head for the hills, these hurricanes are getting more deadly all the time, & we all know it..my parents are in florida too, & they stayed through the ladst 4 that nearly demolished theyre towmn..but even they in theyre usual ignorance realized its time to get out, theyre moving to the mountains as fast as possible & they just left florida to get away from the hurcane..so perhaps the urgency this god told u its time to leave.. had a purpose..perhaps now really is the time to pick up & get out while u can..& continue your schooling somewhere else?

just a thought

 

"God" is in all things in all places. No matter where you stay or go, EXPERIENCE is there. Learn from it all, don't set yourself up theological barriers. Life is an adventure, so it matters not what you decide. It's all right. Don't worry.

 

First, I must say that I always get that feelin that I just gotta get out of this place...wherever I am...like an itch you need to scratch. I start to imagine all the amazing places I want to go to. I HIGHLY suggest studying abroad somewhere, for a semester, or even an entire academic year.

Hey, if God really is that ultimate power that creates existence and non-existence, there can never be a time when God is not with us...even if we may not feel it.

Although I believe that things can definitely lead to excess (drugs, spending money, having unsafe sex) I think that we experience God not just in worship services, but in everyday experiences. I think that sin is all that separates us from clearly experiencing and "listening" to God, so if you feel like there are elements in your life becoming excessive to the point of "clouding your spirituality" then I'd say it would be good to cut back

Ethan, that is so beautiful..what you said about feeling that need to heal and that love...that is so exquisite and exactly what turns me on about God. Someone once said to me that if you want to know your purpose in life, try to think about those things in the world that you want to change...things that don't seem quite right (like poverty, social injustices, racism, sexism, abuse of all kinds) or things that could use strengthening (like causes, people and institutions that work to change these evils in the world) and then go try doing that. You are feeling God's awesome power, spirit and love. Keep praying and searching and reading and loving and learning.

I hope this helped.

Shalom

 

thank you all so so so much****!!!!!

 

Hey man, I'm in a similar situation, I went to school at Rhodes in memphis last year. I had a really hard time. Smoked pot like twice a day. Had some friends. A lot of the time I made a complete ass of myself. Had very little spirituality.

I had been contemplating taking a year off last spring. I couldn't make a decision. Clearly, I was supposed to take a year off, as I got suspended for having two marijuana violations. Over the summer I went on the road to different shows. The last show I went to I dosed with my blood brother and one of my best friends from Rhodes. COMPLETELY changed my life. Everything got clearer. Faith is centered around not worrying about life. Worry comes from fear, which is the root of Sin.

I would reccomend that you breathe a little bit and stay in school for the remainder of the year. God will give you a way to make it. Don't worry about it all, it will come. Party hard on the weekend, it will make the time pass faster.

Also, the thing on the pot making you feel like you are further away from God: I think pot is a therapeutic drug that can be used simply for pleasure or as a mechanism to help us to cleanse ourselves of our sinful thoughts. The reason you might feel further from God is that pot tends to expose our own neurotic thoughts(what I identify as sin- anything that seperates us from reality) to ourselves. Thus, there is a feeling of seperation, but eventually cleansing. Bob Marley says that herb "shows yourself to yourself". Take a look at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cannabis_%28spiritual_use%29


I am currently looking for a travel buddy for next summer to attend Bonnaroo, Wakarussa and the Gathering. Let me know if you are interested.

Best Wishes, With Love,
Caspar

 

Brother, you are me 8 years ago. To the tee. I didn't hit the road, I stayed and am finally finishing school in a month. And God stayed with me. Because God loves you, he wants you to know that he loves all his children. Therefore, the question you need to ask yourself is how can I show people God's love? If you think that running off into some void is going to be the best way to do that, then start running. But if you KNOW that God needs you to express what he has shown you personally toother people in a more challanging way, then therein lies your peace. We all want to believe that God urgently desires us to run off, get high and dance around a fire in some distant wood (which at times he may/ for a minute), but it has been my experience that he often puts you in places where he needs you most. Stop and look around at those around you right now. I promise that through prayer, God will show you how to help those in front of you. Buy the homeless guy a meal and tutor a kid in ghetto. God is love, not pleasure. But pleasure can be found through loving other people. I promise you that if you take this next week and pray for oppurtunity to sow love, God will bring it on. Babylon's education machine is scary and heartless at times, but it is possible to use it for your advantage. Consider social workers or nurses. Walk into your advising office and throw your hands up to God in submission. Then open your eyes and browse the list of majors. He will show you. That's why I am still in school. I was 2 quarters away from an audio production degree when he guided me to sociology. Since then, my life has totally improved. You have the light, know start working on light house.


My prayers are with you.