"Hi, we're Christian missionaries"

I was accosted on the street the other day by a couple of Christian missionaries asking if I wanted to join their church. I didn't have time to stop, and based on previous experience, I assumed they wouldn't be able or willing to have a proper rational discussion of the issues anyway. All I could think of was "No thanks, I'm an atheist; have a good day".

Can you think of any better responses to Jehovah's witnesses, Christian missionaries or other religious salesmen?

 

I am a volcano worshiper. If you could hook me up with some virgins, I would be interested.

 

Actually, I have some pamphlets on Satanism if you'd be interested..

 

If you have the time keep frustrating them with deliberate misinterpretations and interrupt with completely off the wall questions.

 

Good, but we decided they'd probably heard this a million times before. The best I could come up with from the comfort of home was "Sorry, I'm an adult. I don't have time for fairy stories."

There must be better!

 

So like, if I sign up, will Jesus watch over me? That sounds pretty cool, but can I tell him to look away when I'm having a wank? How many stabbings can you do until he tells on you?

 

"That's so funny! I'm Christian, and I love fucking missionary! Nice to meet you fine hos." (or hunks, if applicable)

 

Join your church? to what?? Do I get to use glue? I used to eat paste and paint chips when I was little. Do you talk to God? Does your cell plan have call waiting? Could you ask him where my other sock is? My cat's breath smells like cat food (Simpsons reference)....

and so on

 

"After living as a person who tries to do no harm to others I find I do not have time for religion."

 

just run through every single sexual position or act that you can think of, and insist on hearing their church's stance on each. become slowly more and more deranged as you get deeper into your list, eventually inventing ones with more and more outlandish names, "the oompa-loompa's revenge", "return of the fearful frontiersman" and "spinning tommy's cardboard insurgency" being three examples.

to avoid detection for as long as possible, work out your position list in advance and have detailed diagrams on hand to explain, or offer to demonstrate with the missionary in question, insisting that "It won't get wierd".

 

Are you looking to add some spice to the term "missionary position"?

 

i'm just sayin' that no matter how all-encompassing and forgiving the love of the lord is, does it really compare to the infinite pleasure of "uncle silas' ha'penny attic-shaker" ? it think not man, i think not.

 

Ask them how their friends are doing, going to the the african bush and committing genocide by telling the brown people that god made them that way as a punishment, but it's okay, they can still be saved if they give up their way of life and language and devote their life to eating top raman and worshipping in a cinder block church.

(this is in the case of mormons, others may not think that being brown is a punishment, just an affront to the lord)

 

Better? Better for what end? What was your goal?

To go about you business? Your answer sounds sufficient.

To appear pleasant and civil? Your answer was similarly sufficient.

To make them feel stupid and inferior? Perhaps you should consider adopting a formal belief system that stresses respect for others.

From your tale, it sounds like they were respectful and minimally intrusive. IMO, reflecting those would be your best response.

 

Are you trying to imply that christianity (or mormonism, if you don't count it as such) has ANYTHING to do with respect for others or their beliefs? If this is what you meant, kindly read my first post in this thread, found right above your post that I'm quoting now.

These are incredibly destructive disrespectful people with a brazen disregard for any culture or people but their own. No matter HOW strait their tie is or HOW nicely they say good morning or sir, it doesn't change what they're doing (trying to infect and destroy other's spirituality)

 

Its a mistake to think that all Christian religions are the same, with the same doctrine and the same history.

The Christianity of Martin Luther King Jr. and Cecil Williams finds a different expression that that of Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell.

 

I usually just say "thank you... but i'm really not interested"..and then smile as I close door on them when they pretend they didn't hear me.

 

If they have missionaries, they are fucking evil, for the reasons outlined above.

You mention public speakers. Not the same thing, at all.

 

When it comes to christian missionary's, anymore I usually just feel sad for them. I have found sometimes though its best just to cut stupid people some slack...
I usually just stare blankly until they stop talking then close the door without saying anything.

Unless they've brought young children with them...that pisses me off. brainwashing children with biblical fairy-tale hogwash is tantamount to child abuse in my book.
That's when I want to say to the kids "You know what?... all that scary stuff you've been told about hell and the devil? Don't worry about it.
It's all made up, its not real... hopefully you'll find out someday when you get older".

ZW

 

I think this covers the ones in this country. But not the evil fuckers who trade food for (crappy) shelter and control/brainwashing, taking advantage of people who may or may not even have a concept that more than one religion exists, much less have any concept about a religion being "right" or "wrong", so when they're told they're all wrong and going to hell.... And I guess there's bad ones here, isn't that what salvation army does? Militantly "save" you, here in the US.