Holy Shit

I just had the most intense meditative experience of my life and I don't think i am gay anymore, or ever was. I am really fucking freaking out right now because all of this is just surfacing, shaking and vomiting and I just need to write this all down. I came to the conclusion that a majoritive of my actions are fueled by how they will effect others. Like with my current girlfriend, she cheated on me, I wanted to leave her but the thoughts that came into my head were "I can't leave her, that would make such a mess out of everything, she'd get soooo upset and have to move". And I think that's what happened when I came out as well. Like, yeah, I like making out with girls and I do enjoy having sex with girls because I am really sexual but relationship wise, I dont think i am into that. I just had SUCH a hard time coming out, getting hit and yelled at and kicked out of my home that I adopting the attitude of "Well, I guess I am really gay now" and got locked into that because I was forced to stand up for myself and defend myself sooo fucking much when in reality, I had only been "seeing" that girl for 2 months and it was just experimentation and it locked inside of me, this self fulfilling prophecy, and for the past years I've just been going through the motions of what I SHOULD be doing, rather than WHAT I WANT to be doing.

No fucking wonder I have anxiety and depression, no wonder why I fucking depersonalize and feel like I am just acting in my own life, BECAUSE I AM. I have been ignoring all these emotions and feelings and everything my body has been sending me.

AHHH, this is so incredibly overwhelming I just want to start screaming, I dont even know where to begin, I feel like I opened a fucking flood gate and I am drowning in all of this.

 

Any advice, anything, please. I'm really freaking out right now, and I obviously can't talk to my girlfriend about this

 

Not the time.

 

Seriously, give it a day to think it over. If you aren't a lesbian, congrats! Just don't do something you may regret.

 

I literally feel like someone just ripped the ground out from underneath me. I feel this way about my career now too. Like I love social work, but I honestly didn't choose it because I enjoy helping people, even though I do love to help people. what fueled me to choose it was the fact that it is a selfless profession. I wanted to go to film school and then when everything happened when I was coming out and sshortly after that I decided that no, film school is too selfish and I don't deserve to do what I'm passionate about and that I need to help others.

 

I know, I'm trying to just collect my thoughts but I feel totally backwards. Like people usually repress being gay but I have been repressing that I am straight? What is going on? I do not feel comfortable sharing this new information with anyone in my life because I would feel locked in again that I am straight. And now I have to un-come out? What the fuck is the matter with me?

 

i wish i could come to great life conclusions like that

maybe you're just bisexual?

that sounds too simple though

either way

it seems like you need to do what you want to do again

 

I wish i could just say I am bi, but when I look at a man, I get all the physical sensations in my body and get giggly and all that stuff.
And I've realized when I look at a woman and I'm checking her out, its more imagining a guy fucking her. You know what i mean? Just imagining her as a sexual object, but not necessarily one I want to play with, just someone I want to watch havee sex?
But then again, sex with my current girlfriend use to be electric and I don't know if it was just because we were young and inexperienced or if that's what I want.

Bless anyone who's actually reading this because I am not thinking as words are coming out

 

And like, should I talk to my girlfriend about this or wait till she gets back to Massachusetts?! I dont think i can contain all of this information for another 3 weeks but I don't want to tell her this on the phone because she will freak out but also, if she comes home and then I tell her I dont want to be with her anymore then she just has to move back to north carolina and ahhh

 

Just relax and know that stuff will come together again!! The world's not gonna end for you right if you prefer to be either of them(the preference, I mean)?

So relax, take a deep breath and all that stuff. There is no need at all to get paranoid, just know that things will be alright at the right time, trust me on this and everything shall pass !!

 

Thank you urbro. It really does feel like the world is not ended, but spiraling rapidly away. if these were repressed thoughts, holding them within my body was toxic, even if the sting was not as bad as the one I'm experiencing right now, but even if I feel extremely hectic right now, it's important that these things surfaced and i feel this way for a reason.

I really want to get reaaaallly really fucked up right now but I know that is a terrible idea.

 

I am reading a book by Anthony de mello, it is a beautiful book, and he says that if the other person is not happy with what you are happy then the relationship is not worth it. (on the same lines)

What cost should (imagined)happiness come to you? at cost of your own happiness?

Dont worry, really !! the thing is you have to keep it together till you get in to a better state of being that is free of all the worldly pressure's that we endure ourselves upon. (because we enjoy it unconsciously feeding on our own apathy, agree or not)

 

Hmm, well a lot of that didn't really register. Goddamn sober mind, I think better high LOL.

If it were me I would talk to this said girlfriend ASAP but thats just me. And I don't think getting a little loose would be a bad idea. Thats loose, not wasted.

I don't know, just trying to help?

 

Thank you for that, it resonated really deeply

Thanks for the kind words beatnick, I think i might take something to take the edge off atleast. But I don't think i'll talk to her in this state of hysterics. Talking to someone when you feel like this is to relieve your own crazy feelings, not to make things right, you know?

 

Yea, I would take a fatass bong rip and recollect my thoughts and just try to relax and get calm and think of a way to resolve this without furthering other problems. yea.

 

Stella, you need to calm down.. and THINK about this.
stop just freaking out, because i know you probably have a TON of thoughts in your head right now. write your shit down.. read it over.. think it over. and decide what you want to do. take all the time you need, you're not rushed.

as for talking to your girlfriend about it.. you have 3 weeks.. YOU need to think about what YOU want before you think about talking to/thinking about your girlfriend, ya know what i mean? you have time, relax, and think it over.

 

I am not just saying it but please dont say thank you and all that, you know we should give credit to ourselves for finding out answers, if we have the questions we do have the answers too, I just helped you trying to find it (if you have).

One more thing, (I dont want to sound old and granpa like) if you are not happy yourself there is no chance that you can make someone else happy too(genuinely).

So you have to be happy no matter what only then can you think of making others happy right?

hehe and beatnick no offence but if I were stella I would not call my friend or rip out a bong either.

If you smoke up now your present state of mind will be amplified making you think about all this, please do smoke when you feel better and when you feel that you owe yourself a nice smoke up session.

 

Your sig pic says it all hun.

But seriously, It struck me, well...odd when I came to the conclusion that im bi-sexual. But then I realized it's just because I love every kind of person. Doesn't have to be in a sexual way, but always can. people in general are very simple.
everything you do is your choice. whether it was a good choice or not, learn and live from it.

I wish you luck stella.

 

all i can say is don't be worried about being selfish. sometimes you have to look out for #1 and there is nothing wrong with that. do what (or who) you love and that's it. don't worry about other people, seriously fuck em. i know it sounds harsh but you don't need that. worry about yourself, get yourself right, and THEN you can focus on the people around you.

can i ask, what sparked this realization?

 

@Beatnik. Smoke some for me ok? Haha, I'm not going to smoke anything tonight.

@ Sara. You're right. i need to just get it all out and think it over before I make any decisions, I'm trying to write everything down and I just talked to my dad and his reaction was "You're a good looking girl, you gotta go around the block a few times before you settle down" then I said "So you want me to be a whore" and he said "Well, how else do you think your mother got all that jewelry she wears?" He always gives the best advice

@ Umbro. I agree, I'm not going to take anything because I need to experience all of these feelings raw. But I might take a xanax if my heart doesn't stop jumping out of my chest soon.

@ 40. Yeah, my sig is quite fitting right now, I didn't even realize it. Thank you for kind words.

@Porkstock. I've always been selfless because I think it's admirable, but I now realize how damaging it can be. This realization was sparked from both stopping doing all drugs and alcohol because I want to uncloud my mind and also a good friend of mine is going through a rough time with her boyfriend and it stirred up a bunch of emotions in me. I realize that even though i feel like shit right now, it's part of the process, I'm getting to really deep core issues now and after I realize them fully and release them, I'll feel better. It's just right now that I want to shoot myself in the head.