how do I understand this?

For a while now I have been friends with this one gay guy. I have always suspected him to be gay and although recently he came out, I just can't make sense out of some of the things that have been between us.
So can you people out there be so kind and let me know what you think of our relationship, which I think might not be all platonic because of the following:

* we spend all the time together. I have a boyfriend but my friend is single and although he has alot of friends(gay mostly) he just wants to hang out with me.

*he has my picture on his desk along with every card I ever gave him.
*he kind of gets jealous when I spend time with my boyfriend or other people.
*we go to dinners, have drinks and when we're out people mistake us for a married couple( very often) and he doesn't seem to mind.
*he gives me compliments, treats me like a princess, respects me and confides in me.

What do you guys think? Do you act like that with your girl-friends?
I have to say that he doesn't act any different that any guy I ever dated, exept there is no physical stuff...
Is this normal behavior for a gay? I'm confused.

 

I wouldn't say it's not exactly abnormal, but it's not really normal either.

I wouldn't read into it too much. Me and my "girl-friend" flirt around alot jokingly b/c people mistake us for a couple because I'm not stereotypically gay. It doesn't "bother" me when people think we're a couple, but I do correct them.

And the jealousy thing probably isn't sexual, but just kindof a protective thing, where he doesn't want you devoting your time to someone else. That can be solved with just a little talk.

It's possible of course that he's not gay and is just pretending to get closer to you, but that crap (usually) only happens in movies.

Just talk things over with him---be honest but not hostile. I'm sure he won't mind clearing the air.

 

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Mia,

You are in the enviable position of having been crowned some gay boy's Fag Hag. (sorry, for lack of a better term -folks only use it because they're jealous) It's like being crowned Prom Queen, except you're not going to loose your panties in the back of a limo afterward.

Now, I want you to see this short educational video, "Gay Boyfriend" by The Ukes of Hazzard. (click the guitar and make sure you turn your volume way up.) It always brings a tear to my eye ...

So to answer your question, it's not only normal gay behavior but some would say down right typical. Come on, they must get Will & Grace where you're from. Every *thing you mentioned is a typical way for a gay boy to treat his 'girl friend'.

I don't know where this comes from? As little boys we're taught to be polite and open doors for women, so when we grow up we treat women that way. And maybe over compensate. And often a gay man will have a female best friend (lesbian or straight) because there's no competition, like when you're best friends with another gay man. And alot of straight women like gay men as best friends because there's no competition, like with a straight woman friend. That, and they can get a fellow to buy a drink once and a while without having to put out.

You're friend does sound insecure. But that's typical too, many of us have lost jobs, friends and family because we're gay. Reassure him that you are "best friends" but if he seems too needy you may need to talk about that.

Now, if you're asking because you're wondering is he sexually interested in you? Nothing you have said leads me to think so. I suppose there's a chance you could lay him if you got him drunk enough; or maybe get a little tickles & giggles going under the covers. I mean, if he's that insecure he'd probably screw a light bulb socket if he thought it would keep you from leaving him. But is he a latent heterosexual? I doubt it.

"Oh, we're not lovers, he's gay," is how my best friend (a straight woman) described our relationship to another woman at a party, who replied, "you lucky bitch." She was right.




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Thanks for the replies. I didin't mention that he was only with women up until 3 years ago. Then he realized that he'd rather "deal" with men and now he labels himself gay.
So I guess that's why I was confused because he used to be straight and if he was now I don't think I 'd as comfortable as I am now.
And by the way, I love the video!

 

haha, I can relate to this.

When my really good 'girlfriend' (best friends since 4) had a boyfriend over the Summer, I felt like shit and so worthless because I always thought I was always gonna be the only guy for her, even though I was gay (She didn't know at the time).

Even after I her about me being gay and how I felt (it made things so much easier b/c she really did care for the both of us), I was still a little jealous just because I wasn't her only "right-hand man" anymore...You know, that type of thing.

They're not together anymore...Sad for her, but at the same time, I was the first person she came to and I learned that despite what may happen, we'll always be together and appreciate our friendship. It only makes us stronger together.

When it comes to gay guys being close friends to another girl, it's a different kind a friendship...I find it to be more emotional and genuine because the sexual attractions are lacking. Unlike a typical guy-girl friendship where they could both like each other and go out with each other, with a gay guy and a girl, it's more focused on how the emotions conquer everything so everything tends to be a little bit more...sincere, I guess...

 

Oh, and if it's anything he wants from you, he probably wants to be assured that your friendship won't crumble despite what happens to you when it comes to relationships.

He's probably feeling like you don't mean that much to him because you're going out with other guys. You're not wrong for doing this, though. Just let him know how valuable your friendship is.

 

It might be very stupid question but I need to ask:
Can a woman turn gay man straight or make him sexually attracted to her?

 

Not likely. So, what's your plan "B"?

see: how do I understand this?

 

no plan"B". I just need to convince my boyfriend that he shouldn't be jealous over my gay-friend.

 

nope, not likely. as a gay man, I can appreciate the beauty of women and do find some very attractive, but that is it. I don't in any way find women as sexually stimulating as men, no offense meant.

 

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Let's see if I understand the question, now. You didn't mean to ask:
"Can a woman turn gay man straight"

You really wanted to know:
"how to convince my boyfriend that
he shouldn't be jealous over my gay-friend."

I don't know your bf. If he's the jealous type, there may be no way to convince him. Considering what you told us about your gay friend, I can understand your boyfriends jealousy; some dudes are jealous of the time a girlfriend spends with their female buddies, coworkers or family, especially if they're close. It may take time before your boyfriend feels secure.

All I can think is that you tell the bf that your gay friend has "tried that" and he knows it doesn't work for him. You're close like a brother and sister.

I had a female friend who couldn't see me and had to cut down on the time and places we could hang out because of her new jealous boyfriend. I can't tell you how that hurt. And when the girl finally dumped his sorry ass, I no longer had the time to pick up where we left off.

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that's right. I need to convince my bf that there is nothing to be jealous about and for that I need your opinion since you guys are credible source.
To make things even more complicated, now my best girlfriend has started to mentioned that maybe my gay-friend is not really gay because she has that feeling that he is attracted to me and she happens to know his ex-girlfriend when he used to date women and that I seem like the type he used to like.
And now I feel like al lthis talk might ruin my friendship with my gay-friend because there is just too much talk going on and stupid comments.
I don't know how to initiate conversation with him about this whole issue because I feel that it might upset him. He might just say" I'm gay, I told you. Why are you listening to what people say?" I just don't know what to think anymore..

 

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You need to reassure your bf. Go out on a "date" with just* the bf and your gay pal, a good place to go would be somewhere that gaypal likes, the museum or gay bar, best if it's someplace your bf would never go by himself. The idea is that your are introducing the bf to the world that you and your gay pal share. (*if the gaypal want's to bring a 'date' that would actually be great, but don't bring your girlfriend or bf's best buddy, not just yet -that could ruin things) Prep Mr. Gay by telling him you want to make this a special night for your bf. That way he won't get jealous when you give lots of attention to your bf. Make sure you do. Maybe when the bf can assess how you and gay pal associate, he will chill. You may need to tease the bf if he does get possessive.

I want to know what that type is? If you say smart, independent, liberal, artistic -well you not only described my best-friend but also the one woman I had sex with. I mean, I wasn't going to sleep with a pig. I slept with a woman I admired and liked very much. I regret it, but I can't change the past. So, I not only chose her to be the one woman I would "try" it with, but I continue to admire women who are very much like her. I never "loved" her romantically. I think your friend is feeding into anxieties and creating drama. I'd keep her in check.

It sounds like your best friend is either, jealous, nutty, overly protective or a word I shouldn't say. Hint: it starts with a bee and ends with an itch. I mean really. "she happens to know his ex-girlfriend." Maybe she hates your gay pal for dumping what's her name, his ex-girlfried?

I would be hesitant to bring up the boyfriend jealousy thing with your gay pal. If it isn't a big issue with your relationship, then it doesn't need to be hashed out. The same with the best-friend comments, you actually would then be giving credit to the accusations. And he may end up resenting the bf, when that isn't necessary, or scorn your best-friend, which I wouldn't blame him.


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no. although, alcohol does crazy things.

 

it could be because your friend's gay and your boyfriend may not like gay men (pretty sure he has no problem with women though ), and therell be no way you could convince him not to be jealous or to stop being ignorant if that is the case.

 

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I talked to my boyfriend and he tried to convince me that he's not jealous, only concerned that my gay-friend spends too much time with me.
And right now I'm between the two of them because:
a. my bf doesn't want to hang out with me and my gay-friend, so I guess the 3 of us going on a "date" is out of the question.
b. my gay-friend, when given a choice between hanging out with his gay-friends and me, very often chooses to watch movies or go for a coffee with me than go out with his gay-friends. I think me just feels very comfortable with me ..
c. My bf doesn't like the fact that my gay-freind is single and started hinting that I should hook him up with someone so then he'll have no problem.
I guess he's bothered by the fact that gf is single. Can you guys believe this drama?

 

your boyfriend is very insecure, and it seems like he has trust issues.

 

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I don't care what shade of blue he paints it: your boyfriend is jealous. He's jealous of the time and attention -not the threat of another guy taking you away. If he won't go out with the three of you he's either way jealous or homophobic. Like I said, some dudes are jealous of the time a girlfriend spends with their female buddies, coworkers or family, especially if they're close. Sure, if your gay-friend got hooked-up he'd have less time to spend with you!

Ignore the boy friend. Yeah, honey, I spend too much time with him, sure honey, it looks like he might be in love with me, Okay honey, I'll see you later I gotta meet him at the coffee shop. . . bye!

There are some topics that should be off limits, not religion or politics, I mean in-laws and best friends. A boyfriend who tries to come between your family and friends is showing signs of being manipulative and possessive. Watch out. If he is unwilling to compromise, set limits, or even hang out with the two of you, there is cause for concern.

What actually is going to happen after your gay friend hooks-up with the love of his life but still wants to spend time with you? Then next you tell your boyfriend that you agree to only see your gay-friend on the weekdays? Then only on tuesday and thursday? Then only on the phone?

What is going to make the boyfriend happy? You have to ask him that. Only you will know if it is acceptable or how you would compromise. Once you have an agreement, things should cool down. If not -I worry for you. Hey, you're the only one who can put an end to this, yes unbelievable, drama.


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Oops repost.

One other thing, you may want to do a time management on how you're spending your time. If you don't have a day planner, get one or draw one up and keep it handy. Write down how much time you spend in a week or month with family, friends, gay-friend, boy-friend and "others". Add up the totals and see where you are really spending your time. How much time does your bf need? Also, make sure you have time for yourself, too.

It can be hard to shuffle all your commitments. When you have a boyfriend your friends sometimes have to make room, especially at first. But the boy-friend has to learn to share, too.

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