How does a boy with social anxiety meet a girl?

It's so darn hard.

I don't really go out except to buy groceries and music. I loathe bars. The only people I see are the people I work with, and where I work the men outnumber the women about 20 to 1. And there are few women about my age (23) there anyway.

And it's not like looks even have anything to do with it if the person can't even get himself out there in public. I suppose the definitive answer to the whole question is the one that I'm not ready to face just yet: There are some people that are stuck with the destiny to become the ones who don't get the girl, don't live happily ever after, yada yada yada, and chances are that there aren't many better candidates for that role than yours truly.

Three months ago, on a whim, I asked a girl out, a clerk at a bookstore, and she accepted. On the second "date", her boyfriend (who I had been assured was no longer her boyfriend) walked in and they both engaged in a dear, passionate public kiss. But that was okay because that was only after she told me that she takes erotic photographs of herself for her website, which I wasn't completely comfortable with in the first place.

 

Hmm you need to just get out there.. When you go see music, maybe there's girls there. Take a class or something on something you're interested in so you can meet people with similar interests.
And there is hope, don't be pessimistic. Just go on with your life and it will happen. Don't focus on it too much, just focus on your friends and what you need to focus on. You're not stuck with an unhappy destiny most likely, just try to keep your head up.

 

*sighs* .... social anxiety disorder. Boy do I know what thats all about.

I would say I am free of much of the anxiety I used to feel ..... but then I ask myself, is it because I just got tired of fighting it and instead started avoiding anything that caused the anxiety? *sighs*

What people dont seem to understand is that this form of anxiety isnt something we can just tell ourselves to chill about, or make it go away ... we can only learn to COPE with it. The heart pounding, shaky, want-to-run feelings are there every time. It's not US causing it to happen by worrying too much... (usually we KNOW and tell ourselves hey this isnt a big deal) ... its the body that is reacting the wrong way. We can tell ourselves that we are fine, and yeah, we are in a way ... but still... its very difficult TRYING to function normally when your mind is telling you one thing and the body is reacting another way.

So ... I feel for ya. I really do. I know how difficult it is... I talk to very few people... and many times in the past, Ive been hindered from talking to guys I was interested in because of the anxiety. The nervousness I would feel was so great that I couldnt talk to them and never did ............... couldnt have gotten the words out if I had wanted to. But anyways .... yeah being online is a start. It gave me a way to communicate with people without freaking me out ... lol. I think its helped me alot the last few years. Its easy to learn about people and get comfortable with "talking" to them without actually talking to them .... well, its a start....

Also, under the Mental Health section of these forums there are alot of people who have anxiety disorder who post there .... Im sure you will find many others who can relate to what you are saying.

But yeah, I would definately suggest using the internet as a way of getting to know people first, and see where it goes...

Best of luck to you ...

 

I am sorry it's difficult to meet people with this social anxiety but we all have our own battles and unless you try to improve yourself or understand how you can overcome certain things, life isn't going to change. People are going to sense that you're down on yourself all the time, and while it's nice to acknowledge our weaknesses, it doesn't help to wallow in it talking about how "some people aren't meant to be happy, or aren't meant to get the girl".

If you don't believe in yourself, who the heck will?

 

Oh I fully believe in myself. I think.
Regardless, that's actually not the problem at all, not to me anyway. I don't really wallow or sulk at all.
I just hate being around people. I'm no good around them. They make me panic. So I go where they don't. Home.

 

This has not yet worked for me, but it may work for you: Ask a friend to introduce you to someone. Have your friend explain to her that you have social anxiety, and hopefully she'll put you at ease.

I've asked friends at the health food store, and friends I know from a computer group, and at church. So far no one's turned anyone up. I guess that means my bashert is somewhere else, so that means I have to find someone who knows girls somewhere else who would fit me...

 

lavalife.com, okcupid.com, eh... there's a shwack of other ones. some are free, some are low cost, some have thousands to choose from and some have two incompatible people listed on the whole freakin site.

 

Well, lets be honest: if you really hated being around people that much, it wouldn't bother you that you're not around them, and you wouldn't have started this thread in the first place. Having said that, let me say a few things about my own take on this. I've had problems with having enough confidence at certain points in my life-I think everybody has. I consider myself to be a nice guy. I go out of my way to treat other people the way that I would want them to treat me. If I am with a girl, or a male friend, especially a member of the opposite sex, I go out of my way to make that person happy. I'm not a selfish person. I'm inteliigent, and can talk about a zillion subjects. After I've done all that I can to get along with people, and met them more than half way, if they don't want to be with me for whatever reason, screw 'em. I'm not a real super sociable person, and you don't have to be either. All you really need is one, or a few, really close friends. You don't need to be slapping a whole bunch of people on the back all the time, around a bunch of acquaintances that are not really friends. One of the things that helped me build confidence about myself was that I realized the above things, plus the fact that I'm not a bad looking guy, and there's no reason not to have confidence in myself. Having said all that, I'm sitting here in front of the computer with little social life (but I do have my computer, and have met some very interesting people by using it.) I've got to know some people real well over the years, and many of these people just get up one day and disappear (not to mention my own wife) and vanish-without even an explanation, or a goodbye. It can really be a cold world. Problem is, I'm not a cold person. I've had to realize that those people don't deserve to be my friends and just keep on truckin'. The girl that that slobbered all over her ex-boyfriend on her first date with you doesn't deserve to be out with you in the first place. Screw her. Better that you found out that about her on the first date than on the tenth. Just keep on truckin'-dating is kind of a numbers game-you can't go out with one girl and give up, or there's no sense in going out in the first place. I don't think people that are in your position need pills. It's not easy for someone to find another person that they're really compatible with-that's a fact. But that doesn't mean it's impossible either. Once you realize these things, at least in my opinion, it'll make the road ahead of you a whole lot easier.

 

you would be surprised at how many girls like the shy, quite boys, 'the ones who don't get the girl, don't live happily ever after'
i know plenty that have gotten the girl
you'll find someone
when its right
i know its not what you want to hear
but it will happen, just give it time

 

man it up and start talking to chicks.

 

I've got pretty bad social anxiety myself, but I guess it's not too terrible, because I've never been above going beyond the call of duty to find myself a date. Which is weird, I really wish I could transfer that attitude over to my regular social life. I guess the key is to just push past the freak outs if you find a girl attractive and say hello. What's the worst that could happen? Rejection. And even then, big deal, why would you want someone who won't give you the time of day? There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Do you have a specific preference of the age of girl you date? The reason I ask is because you said there aren't many 23 year old women available in your area. I'm not encouraging you to hang out around the high school or anything like that, but don't push the idea of dating someone a little younger out of your brain (or older for that matter). My boyfriend is 23 and while we sometimes discover our age difference is quite apparent in some situations, we're very compatible despite the 4 years between our births.

I guess the only way I overcame any of my anxiety was to just push past it and go for it anyway. Trust me, the feeling when you actually take that chance is exhillirating. I know how hard it is to bring yourself to do that, but try your best to think of the positives that could arise from saying hello to a girl. I also agree that online dating services are a great idea because then you could warm up to the girl long before you met her. It might make things a lot easier for you.

 

Brother, i've been dealing with social anxiety for many years...........it sucks, and I know where your coming from, I thought the same thing about myself.

The ONLY solution friend, is to get out there and face your fears, if you keep doing it, a little bit at a time.........it begins to slowly subside, to begin with, find a stranger standing somewhere by themselves, walk up to them and start a convo........keep doing that as often as your comfortable with, then move up to two people.......eventually it begins to subside, but taking that first step is the hardest part. Try finding people like you.......if you like jam bands, go on tour, if you identify with the philosophy, get into rainbow family...........I know its hard but the longer you wait, the harder its going to be.