Husband cheating with netsluts

Discussion in 'Women's Forum' started by Deadflowerchild, Jun 20, 2009.

  1. Deadflowerchild

    Deadflowerchild Member

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    This is a killer for my first post but I have to talk to someone about it and get some advice.
    Heres the back story. We have been married 21 years, I'm 51 and the husband is 49. 1st and only marriage for both of us, we have no children due to medical issues. I don't work, he works the graveyard shift. We sleep at different times. He sleeps during the day because of his work. We still have sex at least once a week just to keep in practice. I have gained weight over the years (more than 50 lbs since we got married) but so has he.
    Since we've been online (about 8 years) he has increasingly started looking at pornography on the internet. The first time I came in and he was quickly trying to get the big boobed bitches photos off the monitor, I was very upset. I said nothing at the time, but my feelings were hurt. I grew up with a philandering father and swore I could never stay with a man I couldn't trust in that way. He knows how I feel about pornography, I made it clear before we were married. Prior to the advent of the internet, he never had so much as a Playboy in the house.
    On with the story....I let it fester for awhile, thinking of all the times I was in bed sleeping on the weekends, while he was here looking at big boobed bitches. If he wanted sex, alls he had to do was come to bed and I would gladly show him mine :D
    I finally confronted him about it and we talked very adult like about it. I told him I felt like he was cheating on me. He knows how important trust is to me.
    He said he would stop, he didn't realize how much it was bothering me.
    Well that was 2 years ago and now he has progressed to porn videos hidden in his bedside drawer and still dating the internet bitches.
    What should I do? Talking obviously has no affect. Should I just keep blinders on and let him do his thing? Don't suggest I join him, he doesn't have any interest in my participation, I asked. I feel like he is cheating with a real live woman. I now don't feel like having sex with him because I don't look like the young things on the internet and videos. I'm embarrassed to have him see me naked now, it never bothered me before.
    I'm just really unhappy about this. He is still my best friend and we have great times together. Should I just let that be enough? Should I leave him over this? I'm affraid one day in the future he is going to come to me for a divorce to marry a porn actress from the Ukraine. :(
    Any advise would be appreciated.
     
  2. White_Horse_Mescalito

    White_Horse_Mescalito ""

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    sweetie... he works graveyards shift!!!!

    you know how fucked up and disoriented that gets someone over time

    but he he runs off let me know ;)
     
  3. rollingalong

    rollingalong Banned

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    porn actresses from the ukraine wouldnt look twice at an overweight middle aged married man unless he is generously filthy rich so i wouldnt worry about it...if i was embarrassed to let someone see me naked i would do whatever it takes to try and lessen my embarrassement by droppin some weight but thats just me...or...start documenting everything he does re: porn on the pc and divorce his ass
     
  4. hippiehillbilly

    hippiehillbilly the old asshole

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    get over it. if he works graveyard and yall been married 21 years i highly doubt he has the financial means to run off with a porn star of any caliber..lol

    i dont really see what the big deal is, but if its so worrisome to you then get on his schedule and that should pretty much solve that .
     
  5. White_Horse_Mescalito

    White_Horse_Mescalito ""

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    you say...and still dating the internet bitches.

    so he's actually gone out and been on a date or is he just flirting?

    you don't say what part of the world you're in ... big city.. small town?

    he's almost fifty .. that's sort of a death sentence age..mid life crisis for most guys..
    thank goodness I passed that one ... but working nights is tough on a person
    2nd shift is bad enough.. but graveyards puts you in zombie land
     
  6. TheMaskedPotato

    TheMaskedPotato Member

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    Hey honey, he's on the internet, it's not REAL. You haven't even said that he was with anyone? I mean, from what you said it seems like he's not having actual relations with these women, he's watching videos of them. Let the man have his fun. If he starts to actually talk to people on the internet, then I'd be concerned, but until that happens, lay off.
     
  7. Deadflowerchild

    Deadflowerchild Member

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    As far as I know he has never contacted anyone. I pay all the bills so I would see any credit card charges. I think its more that he lied to me that he would stop that hurts my feeling. So I guess I should just grow some skin ah?
    We are in middle America. Mid sized towns but we live in the boonies.
     
  8. hippiehillbilly

    hippiehillbilly the old asshole

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    after 21 years i dont see where letting him have his fun hurts anything.. maybe once a week aint enough for him at this point in his life but after that being the norm for so many years he is afraid of changing the routine with you.

    what im tryin to say is,, you could always fuck him more..lol
     
  9. White_Horse_Mescalito

    White_Horse_Mescalito ""

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    Living in the boonies really would kind of cramp his ability to go sneaking around.

    yeah grow some skin.. not a bad idea if you really care for him

    don't make a mountain out of a molehill..

    I've worked night shift enough to know.. that he's probably too tired to go out and really chase anything around anyway.

    If he makes a habit out lying then maybe it's time to move on, but if it just with this one thing ... well it's kind of different.it's sort of like he's not wanting YOUR feelings to get hurt.

    I know that sounds a bit twisted... but this is from a guy's perspective.
     
  10. Deadflowerchild

    Deadflowerchild Member

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    That actually makes sense. Wow I gained some perspective in my very first serious post. Great forum I think I'll be back. Thanks
     
  11. Jedite83

    Jedite83 Members

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    It's just porn and not a real person, right? He can't cheat on you with a DVD (unless his junk is the size of a golf pencil ) . Are you worried that it will lead to him actually cheating with another person?

    I can't fault him for looking at porn. I don't see him having done anything wrong. However you asked him nicely about it and he should have stopped doing it. He didn't and that makes him a jerk not a cheater.
    Also some men find it sexual exciting to watch other have sex. This is normal and healthy. It's part of human sexuality. These interests come and go.

    You also have to ask yourself why it bothers you.
    If it because of your dad? Is your husband jacking off to porn the same as your dad being an ass?
    Is it they are modern societies image of sexual perfection and you fell that your not up to par? If thats the case then you need to remember that while porn starts look good on camera, once you take the pounds of body make up off there nothing special, and most guys would turn away for being ugly. Don't compare yourself to fake porn stars.
    If it still bothers you try losing a few pounds and getting in better shape and that will help your self image & outlook a lot to.


    Have you actually sat down and watched a porn? Not with him. On your own at your pace? Maybe you need to come face to face with that and it may cause you to view it differently. Maybe, maybe not.

    I'm not saying who is write or wrong here. I am asking you to take a different view on it.
     
  12. White_Horse_Mescalito

    White_Horse_Mescalito ""

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    no problem, I was in sort of the same boat... bored, working nights.

    I was pretty much falsely accused of doing things I didn't and we're no longer together... so do I carry that with me into a next relationship or do I look at it yes.. I was partially responsible .. but was the jury really right in it's conviction....no ... but yes I am accountable for my actions although my actions were blown way out of proportion
     
  13. ghostkitty

    ghostkitty Member

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    i used to feel kinda like you deadflowerchild, but then my bf actually cheated on me with a real woman. believe me, after the real woman, the porn thing was nothing. if he were cheating on you with a real woman, you would wish he were just watching some porn on a computer screen.
     
  14. Tisha Mc

    Tisha Mc Banned

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    A look don't touch policy is usually the best way to go. As long as it is not an addiction it is perfectly health for anybody, man or woman, to watch porn. It's not cheating. The only wrong I can see here is that he promised to stop and didn't. But even then, the request was kind of over the top. You could have just asked him not to watch it while you were around to see it. I have yet to meet a man on earth that is not into porn.
     
  15. Vanilla Gorilla

    Vanilla Gorilla Go Ape

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    I never really got this kind of thinking.

    Girls seem to think cos they are a girl and value the marriage code, all girls are like them.

    There is always a certain percentage of the sisterhood that will pounce if they want a guy just for sex and most of the time the wife / girlfriend is going to have no idea.

    Vice Versa for the brotherhood.

    In the end you can never be ceratin whether your partner is cheating or has cheated, and in the end, apart from jealousy, why is it important?
     
  16. Deadflowerchild

    Deadflowerchild Member

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    I obviously have some trust issues that go back to my dad's constant cheating and his having some pretty off the wall porn around when I was a kid.
    Yes, my husband knows all this stuff about me. but I guess its my problem not his. right?
    Trust has always been more important to me than love. It was more of a trust broken by someone who I thought would never do it that hurt me.
    You all are right, he doesn't beat me or cheat on me with an actual woman so I should count my blessings. Not a very feminist stance but I guess it will get me through the day.
    And possibly through another 21 years of marriage
     
  17. Tisha Mc

    Tisha Mc Banned

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    It's not that it's the lesser of two evils, it's just natural. Ask yourself, has your husband ever done anything to make you not trust him. Your father's sins are not his and it's unfair to make him pay for them. I know it's hard for people to get out of their own way. But after 21 years of marriage if your husband hasn't earned your trust by now, maybe it's time you see a counselor.
     
  18. Vanilla Gorilla

    Vanilla Gorilla Go Ape

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    Well, you mentioned no kids due to medical issues, which is a bummer, but the hand that was dealt to you.

    The way it seems to me is that trust jealousy issues seemed to get relaxed with some couples once they've had kids, cos then your sort of bonded with that person even if you do end up getting divorced.

    So maybe its not so much about your dad, maybe you feel out of the ordinary with the trust thing cos the wives your friends with that have kids are a bit more relaxed then you, so you feel like the odd one out. Or to put another way - your eternally trapped in your 20s as far as the jealousy thing goes.

    Sorry if mentioning the no kids thing is a sore point, but I dont think you should feel out of the ordinary with the trust thing given your unusual (unusual compared to the girls around you ) circumstances

    And besides the graveyard shift thing, at 49 his libido wouldnt be that high anyway would it to worry much about him straying
     
  19. drumminmama

    drumminmama Super Moderator Super Moderator

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    men get their stimuli visually. With women, it's more mental (like good phone, a note left here and there, decent balanced erotica)
    I'd wonder if the images are not to ...er... keep him in shape for your weekly.
    Sounds like you have some options in being his visual. Even at a larger size, there is decent lingerie, role play, surprise timing.
    Getting on his schedule is a somewhat reasonable option, in the sense that you can be awake and focused on him at least part of his awake time.
    I know it sucks being awake all night alone, but when is he awake? Can you be awake part of it?

    on the trust.
    if this is a single issue, then yes, he is either protecting your feelings (which he does not share--so give him credit) or he could be embarrassed.

    why not ask what porn/erotica does for him? What does he really get out of it?
     
  20. KozmicBlue

    KozmicBlue Senior Member

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    I don't think I could put up with that. Not because of the porn as such, but because he's watching it behind your back and lying to you about it - even though he knows how it makes you feel and I think that's just plain disrespectful. And this doesn't just apply to porn, it could be about anything.. he lies to you and that's not cool. You need to confront him about it.
     

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