I just recieved some terrible news this past weekend. One of my best friends is engaged. Normally, this would be wonderful news, but the guy she is engaged to beats her. The big one happened a few months back. He got drunk and beat the crap out of her. Her eye was so swollen it looked like it was going to pop out of her head. She moved back in with her parents, got a new job, and was planning on going back to school. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I go over to see her. Her mom answered the door and informs me that she moved back in with him. Didn't tell me anything. She just left. This is what she always does with him, too. She totally alienates herself from her family and friends. I kept trying to call her but she wouldn't answer. I went to her MySpace to send her a message and she's gotten rid of all of her Top Friends and only has the jerk on there. We finally did have a converstaion and I made my feelings known. All of that to get to my point...how can you go back to a guy who beats the crap out of you? I don't understand it. I was beaten by a couple of guys when I was younger (one of whom I was in love with) and I have never spoken a word to them since. I don't get it. Please, tell me what drives someone to do this and please don't say love because you do not say "I love you" with your fists. I want to understand because it has torn our friendship apart and I don't know what to do.
There is no understanding this kind of relationship. It isn't a relationship shared between to people its all about control. One person having control over another. One person strives to gain control and the other hands their mind, body and soul over to the controller. One of two things will happen to your friend, she will either get a clue and leave on her own free will or she will leave as a tragic domestic abuse case. All that you can do is make sure she knows your not leaving her side. Stay in her life because some day she will need you.
Often people (men and women alike) return to an abusive relationship because they lack self esteem, think it is the best they can do, or were raised around abuse and consider it "normal". Your friend likely alienates herself because on some level she is ashamed of her life, and her now fiance convinces her that her friends and family are the cause of their relationship problems; often a combination of the two. Because of these deep seated beliefs and feelings it is difficult to get out of this cycle of abuse. Unfortunately the relationship works for her on some level. I am not implying she deserves it, just that somewhere in her mind she can justify being with him. You cannot empathize with her because you handled the abuse differently, you got mad. Good for you! Unfortunately your friend does not see what you do, and she has good reason not to. It is likely that the abuse started out psychologically with him beating her mentally so to speak and she believed it. By the time he laid a hand on her she was convinced that she deserved it in some way. I am sure he also tells her how sorry he is, and that it won't happen again. As a friend you can do one of two things, accept her for who she has become and try not to tell her how you really feel (it just reinforces the alienation) or you can tell her that you cannot be part of the life she has chosen. It sounds harsh, but if you aren't careful you may end up in a nasty mess because of their relationship. Yeah, the 3 am "he beat me" phone calls suck. I have, countless times, taken a friend out of a bad situation. I learned that all I was doing was putting myself and family at risk (one boyfriend showed up at my house with a gun). You cannot stop her, she has to see the abuse and want to be away from it. Based on what you wrote, she doesn't see it, and likely won't for some time. As selfish as this sounds you really should take a step back and distance yourself from the situation. If you are too close to it, they will only drag you into the middle. Yes, she is your friend, and you should help her...to a point. Keep in contact, but don't try to be her hero. If she needs to be removed from her situation, call the cops or a group of friends; NEVER go alone. Do not risk your own safety to protect her. I apologize if I sound cold, but I have been the "hero" countless times, and rarely did it end well. I hope that your friend realizes that it doesn't have to be this way soon. Just remember, you can't stop people from living thier life, no matter how screwed up it is. Nothing you do or say will change her mind until she is ready to hear it; It may take weeks or years, and unfortunately she may never hear it. Good luck, to both of you.
Stories like this break my heart .. They also make me so angry I want to scream. I have nothing to add to the excellent words from the other posters. I just pray that your friend will get herself out of this horrible situation before she is seriously hurt. I am fortunate. I have never in my life been hit by a man. But I guarantee you that if a man ever did hit me or my daughters, he'd better stand by. I have no qualms whatsoever about causing major damage to his private parts or anything else he has. Normally, I do not necessarily believe in following violence with violence. But any man who feels he has to beat up defenseless women or children just to make himself feel like a biggggggg mannnnnn ... well, that person justifies breaking my own rules.
I can't understand that myself, meaning that I wouldn't go back to be with such a guy. She's probably hoping, deep down, that he is going to change and stop doing that... She can't accept the fact that this is who he is, a mean guy who will beat her on other occasions as well... This is really sad. I don't know how you could help her... how you could convince her that what she does is wrong, and above all, not good for herself...
There is nothing you can do for your friend except to be there to pick up the pieces when she finally gets enough abuse. If she lives, she will realize the relationship is going nowhere and is too painful to continue. It has to be her decision and she will need something to replace it with to fill a void. It's a co-dependency. You may want to call the woman's crisis center if it happens again and they will get her into a safe house and get her some counseling. 97% of battered women that do not get counseling go back to their abusers when their bruises heal. Eventually either your friend will get tired of being abused and leave for good, or she will end up dead, or 'He' will dump her for fresh meat cuz after yrs of abuse, you don't looks so good anymore, with all the scars and broken, twisted noses you look more like a used up hag. If a person is abusing you, they DO NOT LOVE YOU. They do not love themselves. You cannot help these abusers. They need therapy. You Can Not Change Them. They do not think they need changing and if you bring it up you are gonna get a punch in the face. Run, Hop, Crawl out of their grasp, get as much distance between them and you as possible. Do Not accept any phone calls, text messages ect. In fact change your #, go underground so your 'friends' dont tell him where you are.. Do not speak to the abuser in public, leave the state if need be, just get the hell away from them. Do not think you will be The One who will change the abuser. You cannot. Believe me!! I have been through it with three ex husbands. And yes, I still bare the scars. Mostly on my face, that's where they like to strike, to make you ugly so no one else will want you and they will just keep hurting you all the more. I made every excuse possible to stay with my abusers. I was sick. I was not conscious, I bloted out any rational thinking. I tought my magnificent love would change them, I was naive. I was sick for a long time. I healed with the true love of a man. It took time, but with his patience and love I healed the hurt inside. It took about five yrs to get it out of me, to get my spirit willing to trust again and through his love I found forgivness, in my self and even forgiveness to my abusers. They all died horrible deaths alone, they paid their price. I now have a blessed life. Full to the brim. What ever I went through was a learning experience, the contrast between love and hate, good v bad. I dont know if I would have realized true love unless I experienced false, unreal and misplaced emotion and my need to be loved no matter what kind of love it was. I was mislead. I tried to rationalize it. I could not bc it was not real. I thought it was love. I now know what unconditional love is. I am not under an illussion anymore. I think with time most all women that survive abuse will leave their abuser. There is too much help available not to. I nearly didnt make it a couple of times. I have been to shelters all over the US. There is housing, schooling and daycare availble, I got help 27 yrs ago.There really isn't an excuses anymore for staying. sh
You girls have been such a big help. I still can't understand it, but that probably means that I'm a mentality healthy person and won't ever be able to quite understand it. Got a message the other day that they have picked out their rings and are getting married in Vegas in April. Guess I don't have to worry about a decision on whether I want to be a bridesmaid or not.
I honestly have no idea... I was married to one of those bastards however he never made his "fists" known me to after.... as for your friend, I have no idea... low self esteem maybe ? Maybe he is telling her that he is all that she is going to get, maybe he is beating her down with more than just his fists... Sad thing is, is that you have done all you can do... you have let your thoughts and feeling known to her... alls you can do now is stick by her... hopefully she will come around before it is too late
remember to tell your friend you love her. a friend's love is a powerful thing. send her flowers and good books, but nothing that is an obvious flag to the abuser. send her yellow roses, they symbolize friendship (last time i checked) and send her recipes and uplifting things. you know she isn't getting love from her abuser, so send her all the love you can. and never, ever show up without bear mace in your pocket. if it will stop a bear, it will stop an asshole too.
I like this. It is really something I could do and feel like maybe I'm helping in some real way. Or, at least it'll make me feel better.
I wish I could help. I don't understand why men beat their loved ones. Like, I really just don't get it at all. I see no reason for a man to abuse a woman.
If this happened to my friend.. .well... what I would do would be illegal but it involves asking some very large friends of mine to break his arms. Can't beat a woman when you can't lift your arms now can you??
I think she has underlying problems of her own and is using the abusive relationship as a cover so she won't have to confront them. A person won't put themselves through that unless there is something wrong. She needs you and most importantly her family which maybe part of the main cause. The first step is getting her to admit something is wrong and that she needs help. With advice counselling and guidance she can over come her inner problems and have a much better fulfilling life. Just keep telling her you are there for her whenever she needs you and also keep in with her family and let them know you are always concerned about her and will always be there to help. If your friend can see a strong supportive network around her she may decide to deal with her inner demons.
My concern is for the guy. At what point will society step in and take control of the situation? We all just turn a blind eye to her situation and say we don't like it, but we all know in the end it is her decision to press charges. There are a few options here. First of all, you can confront the girl. However, with this you risk loosing your friendship and not accomplishing anything. The second option is to confront the guy... gently. I don't have any suggestions how to do it, but it seems like if someone would just talk to him he may go to therapy. While my heart is saddened at her choice to stay. Maybe, instead of convincing the girl to leave him, you talk to her about getting him some medical help. Then, let her make her decision. I gurantee that eventually she will get tired of the abuse and realize she is better than that. Mean time, just support her. Be there to wipe away the blood and the tears. But I swear if it was me, it would be hard for me not to get someone to kick the guys ass. That's the thing about the south... we got cuzzins!
