I don't want anything anymore

I can't stand it anymore. Feeling good for one moment cannot make up for every day that I am alone and depressed. I basically have no will to live, but I can't bring myself to actually do it. I've tried choking myself with a belt until I pass out and I never end up passing out, just running out of oxygen and getting the uncontrollable urge to let it loose.

I can't cut my wrists because I'm afraid of the pain, I can't OD because I'm afraid of someone finding me before I'm finished and they try to save me and I end up worse than I already am, I can't shoot myself because I don't have a gun, I can't turn on my car and put a tube for the exhaust to go into the window because I don't have a car... I can't kill myself

I don't know what to do anymore because my will to live is practically non-existent and I have no method of killing myself that I either have the balls to do or have the materials to do.

Honestly, when I turn 19 in November I'm thinking of getting a gun for my birthday and blowing my fucking head off.

Don't ask me why I posted this, I just wanted to say it to anyone that would listen.

 

Maybe you should check yourself in somewhere?

Plan B would be to get out of the house more.


x

 

Hey man. Don't do it. Death doesn't always mean nonexistence... what if it turns out to be shittier than this planet we live on? Maybe you can work with what you got, or at least try. Live it up... afterall, there's no consequence with that fallback plan of yours... am I right?

 

Twizz,

You have described a classical case of depression.

GET HELP... NOW!!

You will find out that you are far from alone, and that there is help and HOPE. But, you have to take the first step. Call your doctor. What happens next will suck a little, but it WILL lead to a better life for you.

 

You're 18 years old...realize that that is a really tough age. Trust me, you don't realize it, but there is a lot to live for.

If you need to talk, PM me, I enjoy helping people through this stuff.

Take time and spend it with people you love-they'll make the world of difference. When you're feeling really depressed/borderline suicidal, try taking a walk...it helped me through a lot.

And please please please try writing it down...even if you rip it or burn it up after. I went through a therapy where my therapist would meet me outside and every week she'd have me write down how I felt and when we met, she'd have me burn it-it sends a subconscious message that you are releasing your problems from your body.

Try meditating, also. It can give you a lot of resolutions.

Most of all-talk to a professional. See what they have to say. Plan for your future and set goals to accomplish-accomplishing even the smallest goal will help you in a great way.

 

The problem is that I've been to the hospital and I'm out again...

I think I'm bipolar because I don't feel like killing myself at all right now... I don't know what the fuck is up with me, doctors prescribed drugs that made me feel like shit and they didnt listen to me so why should I go back to them

 

Then let me appeal to the scorpio side of you.

Did you know that out of all the zodiac, scorpios have the strongest powers of regeneration? This power is open to you if you want to use it. We can literally rise from our own ashes.

Scorpios also have a fascination with death, so don't confuse this interest with negative thoughts. We're just exploring our boundries. For us, its normal.

You need to find a place for yourself in life. At 18, thats a pretty big challenge. But you are going to enjoy it. We scorpios love to put on that harness and pull. We're built for it.

The only real problem you have is not knowing what you want to pull yet. Go outside your door and start looking. Education? Better job? Travel? Alcoholism? Addiction? Jail?

Choose the harness wisely.


x

 

I don't believe in horoscopes or being somehow connected to the stars. I'm just an atheist that believes somewhat in karma and deeply in science.

It's easy to generalize a horoscope.

 

Then you are not much different from myself.

Age renders a wonderful polish job on us.


x

 

Hey Twizz. We are here to listen, it's a part of looking at different angles of this idea we call life. I've tried everything you've listed on your post in trying to kill yourself. I was feeling depressed because nobody ever questioned things or were curious about everything around us, they were always rushing which irritated me very much. Just came back from a low, but I know that it could happen again, if I'm not careful. I've had a lot of short-termed friends of all kinds but none of them were ever curious enough to just stop and wonder. I've had a lot of fleeting love, they just wanted to manipulate my feelings and try to make me emotionally dependant. It feels like nobody just stops and appreciates anybody and their curiosity, and vice versa.. I would love for this to happen everyday.

This quote might interest you: "In a world full of wonders mankind has managed to invent boredom"

Hunt for UFOs! :saucer: If you believe or like

look up this guy, he might interest you: Aubrey de Grey http://youtube.com/watch?v=8iYpxRXlboQ

Whatever you do, do what interests you and what keeps your neutral curiousity up. Seek out questions instead of answers.

 

Ages 16-20 is the HARDEST time of your life, but believe me, Life changes....sooooo much. Why in only the past 4 years I have......

I've lived on the bus stop on Charles St.
I've been a Manager of a Large cellular phone store making $$$$
I've had abeautiful apt., car, job, and girl and in one fell swoop....it was all taken away
i've been stabbed
I've been beaten
I've conqured all
I've had epiphany's
I've had suicidal thoughts
I've had many great friends
I've been completely alone
I've been in prison numerous times
I've fucked up
I've felt love, joy, pain, sadness, anxiousness, regret, shame, remorse
I've experienced
I've lived
I've died inside
i've been fucked over
I've been hurt
I've been abused
I've been insulted and degraded
I've been impressed
I've been shocked
I've been robbed
I've seen my father lying in a pool of blood
I've seen friends DIE
I am currently watching my Father die in the hospital from brain cancer
I've been broke
I've hit rock bottom
I've Been on top of the world
I've traveled
I've ran way
I've been in the gutter
I've sold drugs making big $$$$
I've been locked up for selling those drugs
I've learned many lessons
I've been in love
I've had my heart raped and shattered
I've had my mind fucked 6 ways from sunday
I've seen shit that a human being should NEVER have to see
I've felt like going insane
I've done this and more in just 4 years...And ya know what, I moved on and I have many many MANY years left to come. So it's either be a pussy and give up and PUSH ON and say fuck it.

I feel for you dude but you gotta press on, life changes so much. I know what your going through and it is some of the toughest shit but it will get better. life is all about the ups and downs, just enjoy the ride..If you cant enjoy the ride then FUCK IT lol

Smile and all will be well

~PeAcE~

 

Whatever you do, don't start using antidepressants. They help for a while, but they cause dependency, and their effects diminish after a few years. You'll have to take larger and larger doses until you have to take so much that it is no longer safe.

There is one good solution that I know about from personal experience, and I posted it here. Check it out.

 

Don't kill yourself. You'll be o.k. Really.

 

I really think that I am no good at living anymore... I have spent so much time depressed that it just feels like I'm never climbing out of the hole.

Any amount of work for me is just too much anymore and I can't handle it. I'm slipping in school again, I still can't get a job no matter how much I send out resumes, and now that I have school I'm usually sleeping, on the bus or at school. I usually have a couple hours a day to myself and theyre spent sitting in my bedroom typing away at my keyboard now because doing anything else just doesnt interest me anymore... I really don't think sitting at the computer is interesting either. I'm just not interested in anything anymore except getting fucked up off of some sort of drug because that the only time that I'm not thinking about how screwed up my life is and what I've gotten myself into and what other people think of me...

I just want to die or go away or something because I know that if I fail another semester of college my parents are going to kick me out and I'll have nowhere to go.

I don't even WANT to stay here, I just can't get a fucking job!

 

I was just going uptown to hand in some more useless resumes on my bike, and some big bald guy with bad teeth asks me if I have 50 cents then as soon as I can say "sorry I don't have any change" some other guy thats with him comes from behind him and pushes me off my bike and onto the street and I immediately said "what the fuck?!!" and turned around and the guy was smaller than me but i still only said "you just pushed me off my bike" and he said "so? what the fuck are you gonna do about it?" and all i could do was ride my bike away because theres nothing im going to do.

theres nothing i can do.

I realized that im a useless piece of shit that can't even defend himself against someone smaller than me. I came home and immediately threw my stuff off and just came upstairs to cry, and I totally lost control and am still losing control right now as I type this crying hysterically... I don't have any will to live, and a very strong will to die right now... I basically only want to do two things right now... tell you guys whats happening with my life and kill myself... I don't even know what to do anymore i hate my life

its not fair

 

Okay this is a pretty important aspect of depression and suicidal behaviour so I thought I should let anyone out there listening to me.

I feel fine right now, I would call it more of a "high" I guess... Not typical bipolar disorder high where I might go and do something careless or whatever, just happy and uplifted for no apparent reason. It always seems to do this a couple hours after my initial incident and then the next few days will be kind of neutral where I'm just mostly emotionless and passive and then I will inevitably be depressed beyond belief again.

Whether I'm in my highs or lows, I just cannot seem to direct my attention to homework, and I have a really hard time just fighting with myself to do it. I just cannot seem to focus on doing my homework even though I know it needs to be done or I fail. It's not like I want to fail or like I don't want to be in college, but I just can't get myself to do the work. I used to be able to just sit and start it when I was in highschool, but I don't know what the hell happened to change it so drastically that I basically feel like doing homework is torture.

 

Ok, I agree with don't go on anti-depressants, they make you feel like shit and gave me a shit load of anxiety.

What you SHOULD do and i STRONGLY recommend is start running every day, 30 minutes to an hour...however long you want. Start exercising.

 

do you talk to anyone man?

look, fuck those thugs who pushed you off your bike - fuck'em. you're a better man for riding away. think, one day that may be you. do you want that? to punk people around for not giving you some change? you're better than that.

find the good things in your life and keep doing them.

 

everything you have posted from the start of this thread has been negative after negative after negative,,,, not one lil tiny aspect of positive in any way shape or form,,,,..find one thing positive for a change anything at all,,,, and write it down,,, make alist,,, dont tell me there aint none, cuz i will tell you you are full of shit,,,, read it,,,, find a happy or positive quote you like ,, repeat it to yerself for the day,,, n repeat it each day,, find new ones,,, it is up to you to stop the vortex you seem to have spiraled yourself into,,,, its up to you to get out,,,, stop diggin yer own hole,,, it just gonna get deeper,,,, .. the negative all the time just brings the negative until you believe every bit of it n then conjur up more reinforcements with more negative,,,,,,,,once ya can stop the digging process then ya can slowly fill that back in and eventually the whole begins to fill back in and you can climb on out n walk again,,,
but ya keep on keepin on the way you goin,,,, the same shit gonna keep goin,,, its up to you ...

 

I have watched Requiem For A Dream last night, and I believe it has changed me. I am not really in the same case as any of the characters in the movie, but it has made me realize that ever since I started using drugs other than cigarrettes and marijuana, I have been slowly failing.

I am quitting everything except for marijuana and tobacco, and some occasional clonazepam (low doses to help me with anxiety... Maybe .5mg or 1mg, depending on my mental situation)...

I know clonazepam and benzodiazepines in general are very sketchy to be giving to a suicidal depressed person, but I really believe that anxiety is causing my depression/negative emotions.

The worst thing that could happen is that nothing changes and the same progression to a terrible future continues. I am just trying to change my life now, for the better.