Ugh, I just got out of a relationship, sorta....which left me battered, physically, mentally, but most, which I think hurt me the most, emotionally and spiritually. My beloved said some things to which I never thought would pass my ears, which I never that I would experience, I thought I was better than that, I thought I was wiser, smarter, more intuitive, but no, I'm just a fuck up who got in with someone who manipulates to no end and then when you tell him "Hey, you do this." To which he replies "Uh?" like "What?!" You can't save people, nor can you help them upon their path, not if by helping them, they would enter a new level of reality they aren't meant for / ready for. And now, he's used MY energy, MY life force!!! to manifest for himself everything he needs, a second car, which he got for FREE, and a job, which he has not been able to procure within the region in which he lives. I have neither, and now, all that I thought I had, I have lost. Sancity of self, divinity, sanity. Wholeness, peace, sovernigty, right out the window, and NOW who feels like they want to die because they are "pathetic" yes HIS WORDS BECAUSE I AM SPIRITUAL AND LEAD A FUCKING SPIRITUAL LIFE!!! FUCK HIM! He has pressed his suicdal feelings, darkness, depression, onto me in leiu of him getting what he whats....I wish I knew a way to undo all this, or, change it, make him take all his feelings back, I want to feel MYSELF again, feel my own emotions, thoughts, live the fucking way I want to without being interrogated and put down! I want him out of my life, I want the karma to be clear, I want to come out of this 10 fucking BILLION times better than when I fucking even managed to find myself/ get myself into this kind of relationship, which I thought was going to be a whole lot better, in the beginning. I thought he was going to live a spiritual life with me.....No, which probably hurts me just as badly as everything else, he completely rejected it. I had hopes for a Beloved who would work with me, not against me, and be living the same lifestyle....far far far from it....unfortunately..... Now I'm left with hardly any hope left, how can anybody do anything in their life when they feel worthless, like they don't have a purpose (that purpose I used to feel was spirituallity, until he tore it all to shreads...), don't feel like they have a reason to live? Life is but a living dream, and you are the dreamer. If all your dreams get stolen, what is left? Nothing but the dream of the continuance of life? Is that all thats left? Everything I felt sacred that was within me, and shared with him....everything was mocked and denied. DAMN! IF I SOMEHOW FIND a WAY OUT of THIS, I'm fuckin never gunna let it happen! Thats for FUCKIN sure!!! No fuckin person is EVER going to walk on me again. That's it. I've had it. I need to get back into the flow that I had to my life, the beauty I felt whenever I woke up in the morning, the wonder, the joy....I need it back....My life has been so hard, just trying to get the fuckin basics, food, water, shelter, with a shower, do my meditations every day, say my intentions, clear karma, run my kundahlini, look where I am now... I can't even do the thing that which brings me the most joy, because he sabotaged it, I thought it COULDN'T get this bad, I thought, I thought, I THOUGHT but I was WRONG. I don't even know what would make me happy now, I try and think of things to do during the day, to lighten the load.... Walking, I used to take a daily walk, it may help, but it is hard where I live, but I will have to try it.... I don't want to cry anymore, I cried too much when I lived with him, I cried too much in front of him, he never cared. Even if it might make me feel better and get over this quicker, I can't cry anymore. I've cried too much in my life. I feel SO sour, and bitter, there is no more lightness, of which I used to have SO MUCH!!! It's all gone!!! I killed my stomach living with him, I was in constant pain because of the way he eats...which is hardly anything, all meat most the time while I am vegetarian...I mean, I think he has an aversion to raw fresh vegetables....All prepared, frozen, canned boxed foods which I can not stomach! I don't fucking put that fucking shit in my body!!!! I LOVE my body, I don't treat it like a fucking FACTORY! It's a fucking living breathing conscious temple which I treat with honor and give it always the best!!!! I also feel lonely, which is something I have never felt in my life before. I was always okay with just being with myself all the time, communing with the Mother Earth and the nature kingdoms, now, I can not even do that, because of the state I'm in. I feel lost, confused and in a state of choas. Why am I feeling all this??? I never did before, and all the feelings I am stating I feel I have, he HAS!!! I hope I feel better soon, at least some day, I hope I can know I will feel ALOT better. I think I have written alot, I know some people will not be at all interested and say "I couldn't read all that...." but I know there may be some people whos my words remind me of their own words, and lifes experience, and read the entire if their interest is stroked enough.... Namaste people Send some blessings so I can heal Francine, Rainbow Walker
Sounds like you are better off. Time and distance away from this person will be good medicine for you. I bet in just a few weeks (maybe even sooner) your bitterness and anger will be gone, and your good 'ole self will be back.
What an asshole, good thing you're not together anymore. My thoughts go out to you. Good luck in regaining your positive outlook on life.
it sounds like your so much better off and if its feasible move away to a different city. i dated a guy for a long time who went from being incredibly nice to incredibly controlling after a few years. i tried to stay friends and it didnt work. today im getting coffee and i see him but its not like i could turn around and go or else i would have felt weak so i go order and he comes up out of fucking no where and gives the woman money as if to insinuate i was with him pointed at my wrist which is broken and said ah i guess someone couldnt put up with your sit eh i said no im actually very happy thanks for the coffee though too bad for you youll never be buying it for me again he called me a whore when i walked away if i were a man i would have socked him
It sounds like you are going to be better off in the long run. You might not feel that way now, but as time passes, you will come to terms with it all and know that it wasn't you, or your fault. You got swept up in someone whom you felt that you loved, and in return, you weren't given much of anything but pain. He didn't deserve you in the first place. My heart aches for you, but just know that things WILL get better, and you will become an even stronger person because of it. The pain will pass over time, and you will heal once again. Much love and hugs to you...
Heh heh heh, actually, he would probably say things that were true, but it really is just a difference in how open my heart is, to myself, the Mother Earth, the animals and the rest of the entire race. He pretty much hates himself, the entire race and Earth and animals, which means, closed heart or at least, more closed than mine which only leads to heartshead in the end.... Yes, it is true he didn't give as much as I gave.... Namaste Francine
hah no he did it to be demeaning it wasnt an act of kindness lol he wanted to emphasize that i was there alone paying for my own coffee because hes a dick like that.
I don't normally vent like this but I thought maybe it would help other people going through the same thing. I imagine some people on here are living an 'alternative' lifestyle, different than most people. He called me 'pathetic' because I live that way, that this was 'the first time I've ever met anyone more pathetic than me, wow, thanks for opening my eyes' and that I am 'worthless' to society, and might as well be shot like a dog. I thought he was a different person, he said he was 'hippy' and didn't want to live within the system then come to find out, he's so dependent upon it he would die within a month without it. He denouced me for my gentle ways, with myself and with others. He said I wasn't living in reality, and I suppose playing computer games all day is, and just being on the computer all day all together is a good way of living in 'reality.' HEH! By putting me down, and saying all those hurtful things, I feel like he said those things to every person who is like me, who chooses to get out of the system, who doesn't want the system, wants it to crumble to their very feet, and live a completely different way of life (which I know is not all on here, but I have seen them post....) He wanted to cut down all people who striving to be loving, caring, forgiving, and compassionate because those are all the things he's not. He strives to live for one person and one person only, himself. And he will do whatever he so chooses, doesn't matter if he hurts another, or Earth, he wants what HE wants without thinking of others. It's alittle more complicated than that but I lack the words and complete understanding at this time because I have never in my life met someone so self centered and egotistical!!!! I realize that is happened because I have to come to a more complete state of forgiveness and compassion, not just 'have it', but feel it within my bones, within my cells, for people who choose and strive to live like this. I also wanted to thank everyone who has sent their condolenses and hugs. I imagine the above will come once my body is healed because me living with him caused my stomach and all my lower organs to start having hissy fits and I was in constant pain for a month. As I said before, he treats his body like a piece of trash and only gives himself the worst food possible. I, on the other hand, eat healthy all the way around.... Now that I am on the repair, I imagine I will be through and done with him in due time..... I did move, I was living with him, now, I am back with my mother, who, thankfully, has some sense of good homecooked meals and healthy food! MMM And who also doesn't smoke or do any types of drugs and doesn't eat meat all the time, and is on the computer all day (I swear, NO exaggeration) and doesn't talk about cars non stop and has more sense of what is real (nature) and what isn't (machines and electricity) I'll leave you all with this. Namaste (thanks again ) Francine
lol its okay i saw him last night at a mutual friends and i hurt myself on accident and he took me to the hospital and drove me home and called my mom this morning to make sure i was okay so even if someones a total asshole its still nice to have someone who cares about me when im hurt and who calls to see if im feeling better. i cant be friends with him right now because he still has feelings but i dont have to stay away from my favorite places in fear of akwardness anymore.
