I keep accidentally "acting single" - Advice thread

So this hasn't really been a problem for me in the past, but it's happened several times recently.

I go out kind of alot; most weekends.

My boyfriend almost never comes out with me because he works overnights and doesn't really like going out that much anyway. So I'm fully aware that I appear to be a single girl about town.

So I'm really good about turning down drinks and direct flirtation but I keep falling into this same trap.

I start talking to this 'nice guy' type and I think we're just having some pleasant conversation and hanging out. He asks me things about myself but never asks me if I'm single. I mention my boyfriend casually in conversation but it somehow doesn't sink in or he thinks I'm talking about an ex or something because by the end of the night he 'really likes me' and 'would i want to go out sometime' or 'can he get my number'

And then when I say I'm not single he's like 'that would have been nice to know' and I feel kinda guilty for talking to him so much and ... leading him on? and wasting his time when he was not interested in speaking with someone who is not a potential mate.

So my question is, how do I let a guy know that I'm not available without saying "I have a boyfriend! I have a boyfriend!" all night?

Or should I just avoid the lonely nice guys and only talk to girls and dudes that I know are taken/not interested in my tail?

 

do you really think ANY guys randomly come up and start talking to you because they're short on buddies?

 

To the above poster, yes. How else would males have female friends?

Just be yourself, no need to change anything you're doing, it's not your fault they don't understand you're single, especially if you mention your boyfriend to them during conversation

 

And, what do you think she is up to talking to random guys at bars? Surely, she must have female friends to shoot this shit with? If conversation is the only motivation, what makes guys at bars such greater conversationalists than, say, old widows at nursing homes? I would assume the latter have great stories to tell.

I see this taking a breather from monogamy happening all the time. There`s this girl at work who invites me out, though she`s got a Facebook boyfriend. Since it`s on Facebook, I believe it.

But, I`m just not interested in being her breather away from monogamy. Although she may have no explicit intention to cheat, I still have the feeling that she`s using me to take a break.

I`m planning on telling her next time she invites me out that commitment has consequences. I pay my dues for being single as a lifestyle choice, and I`m certainly not interested in helping someone get out of paying theirs for choosing monogamy, even if for a subconscious fantasizing moment.

There`s porn on the internet for that.

 

Girls cheat. And girls always say they have boyfriends. And girls always have boyfriends. I don`t think I`ve ever met a girl at a bar who didn`t have a boyfriend or said she had one. And, I`ve hooked up with plenty of girls at bars in my time.

And, I don`t think saying that you have a boyfriend is going to override the fact that you`re demonstrating interest in a guy. The emotional cheating is already taking place, a guy can hope it will lead into something a bit juicier than emotions.

 

I'm just sayin you really hurt my feelings at the bar Star and...

Oh shit my woman's coming gotta go!

 

I don't really have female friends to shoot the shit with. I've lived in this area for 7 months and I haven't developed any close friendships I know plenty of girls and guys in this scene, but nobody I'm tight with to like stick with all night.

And neither me nor my boyfriend consider talking or hanging out with another guy "emotionally cheating"

It's never been a problem for me to have guy friends or hang out alone with them. We've been together for 10 years and we know and trust each other.

 

^ Does anyone consider hanging out with another guy 'emotionally cheating'?? I have never heard of that before! I mean I understand that some guys/girls may be uncomfortable with it but ultimately your partner is not your property and hanging out with a member of the opposite sex is not cheating or even disrespectful by most peoples standards. Sorry for the tangent but that comment really stuck out to me.

 

It`s not cheating if he knows and approves, and if she behaves exactly the same way when he`s around. It may be a little doormatish if the boyfriend doesn`t do likewise. But, power differentials like that work for some couples.

I personally would be concerned though, if I felt the opposite sex was targeted. And, I would consider sitting at a bar waiting for people to talk to me targeted enough, no matter how you rationalize it.

Were I the boyfriend, which is a position I would already not find myself in, I would expect my girlfriend to be able to actively discourage aimless conversation/approaches from the opposite sex.

But, to each his own. Monogamy is hardly ever fully emotionally so at all times, I suspect. Or, even physically so. It shouldn`t come as such a shock unless you live in the clouds. It doesn`t mean they love each other any less.

 

just hanging out with someone isn't "emotional cheating," stringing along someone who is obviously trying to pick you up could be seen that way though.

trying to hook up and being strung along and eventually friend-zoned.

there's also the occasional possibility of befriending girlfriends of friends.

 

My concern would be, if platonic friendship or conversation is the aim, then those friends could be of either sex, right? And yet, my girlfriend is befriending mostly people of the opposite sex. Why?

 

^That's my question. Am I stringing these guys along? To be honest, I'm not that cute and not as conditioned to fending off advances as other girls.

If a guy asks to buy me a drink I decline. If a guy asks if I want to go out sometime, I tell him I have a boyfriend. I don't like respond favorably to flirtation or advances.

Part of the problem is that I gravitate towards these socially awkward dudes (not to insult them they're just not alpha males working the crowd and being super cool and stuff) cause I'm a little socially awkward myself. So these guys are not the type to come out and say something outright flirtatious right away.

Anyway I could explain more but typing on Opera browser on the Wii is a point and click chore. I just want advice for the future.

What do I need to say or do to avoid "stringing guys along" because I don't feel good about it and I don't want to do it.

 

even if you're not married or engaged.. wear a pretty diamond ring on your ring finger, and
take drinks
brush your hair out of your face
rub your eyes
put on some lip balm..
using only that hand... to make sure he sees it. lol

he may or may not get the hint

 

If I am befriending a man who starts to show an interest in me, I pretty much tell him I'm not interested. Doesn't matter that I have a boyfriend or not to him.
"wanna hang out some time?"
"only as a friend"
a) new friend is made
b) never hear from them again

Usually it's option B.

I don't know a girl who 'accidentally' flirts. Act the same way to men as you do to women. At least, that's my way of interacting with people.

Seems a little cocky when I put it into writing but it's always good to be blatant when it comes down to these sorts of things.

 

If he trusts you respect his trust and just don't cheat on him.

Me and my first wife had a great relationship and total trust. We worked different shifts so we went out at different times. She'd come home and tell me so and so bought her a drink. I thought it was funny.

We always wore our wedding rings though.

 

you're well above average. to a socially awkward guy who probably has at least the beginnings of some beer goggles on, you're probably about perfect (socially awkward guys learned long ago to not bother with supermodel types, but attractive normal women are still worth going for).


i think your best bet is just repeated mentions of the boyfriend. just once, and it may be missed, especially by a buzzed guy in a loud room, but mention him a few times and the hint really should be gotten. also, just don't act like you might be interested. don't respond positively to his flirtations, and don't flirt yourself.

 

says the chick that reps my nudes...

 

Kay, I got on my roommates computer so I could actually type.

I'm not the social butterfly type. I'm the close friends that I love like mad type. I have a handful of close girlfriends and a handful of close guyfriends back home. They're awesome. I love them. We laugh our asses off together and get drunk or stoned or go out or stay in or whatever.

But I moved across the country. I right away fell into this really cool scene with really cool people because I love live local music and the music scene out here is prize (imo).

I go out to shows/bars and it's mostly all the same people all the time. I know a bunch of them, say hello, talk a bit, have a smoke, dance together, etc. But I went out by myself and I'm not super close to anyone so I can't just cling to them so I walk around, talk to other people that I don't really know but see around all the time.

Not usually a problem... It's just these few guys in the past few weeks have gotten to me because when I realized that they were interested and not just talking *I feel guilty* like I did something to mislead them.

I guess I'm just being an idiot about it.

Thanks for talking it out with me though guys.

 

Ha! Orison, we don't have an open relationship, but he's cool with my vanilla kinks.

He will look up at the monitor when I'm on HF (using it on the TV in the bedroom via Nintento Wii) And he'll laugh and say "why is it whenever I look up at the monitor you're posting about blowing other dudes?"

Like I said, we KNOW each other

 

Yeah definitely. That's why I don't accept drinks. I don't want to deal with any interaction with a guy that's tried to pick me up. It's just no thanks right from the start.

I don't think I'm "accidentally flirting" I mean the guys that this has happened with were not guys I was attracted to at all. It's more like girls never talk to them and they don't know how to talk to girls, so the fact that I've spoken to them is an "in" ... God that was judgmental, but I really don't flirt with these guys, I just talk to them about whatever.

I have, historically, always been a sort of predatory mate anyway. I've never waited for guys to talk to me. I'm not hot enough for that. If I was interested in a guy, I'd approach him. I've never, even when I was single, responded well to being flirted with by guys that I had no interest in. I don't just love attention and to be desired and stuff.

When I go out, I wear no makeup, don't dress sexy, don't do anything to my hair. And I get drunk and dance like a chimpanzee that ate a bag of shrooms and just got off a rollercoaster until I'm a sweaty mess. I don't expect *anyone* to find me attractive at that point and I'm not looking for anyone to.