I am 60 and my wife is only 45. She has been in menopause since she was 29 (medical related). Her sex drive has now dropped to zero and we haven't had sex in over a year and a half. We are dedicated to each other and I know 100% she isn't stepping outside our marriage. I am highly sexually aware and am no longer getting any satisfaction from masturbation. It is sad to me. Other than seeking extra marital relief, which I would never do, I am just at a loss. I am becoming depressed and can't figure out what I can do. I have tried to talk to her, I have suggested she talk to her doctor, obgyn, her sister. I have done everything I can think of. It's egg shells for me all the time. Hoping you all might have some suggestions.
Communicate with her honestly about your struggles without causing her to reciprocate her position. Also, again mention her needs to get medically checked. My SO went through some of this, got checked out by physician and got on natural compounded Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) and has made a big difference. Hoping the best for the both of you!
If she refuses to do anything about it and she knows how it is affecting you, then she is not showing you any compassion. Calmly and kindly make sure she is aware of that fact. If she still refuses, then calmly ask for her blessing to seek relief elsewhere. If she still refuses, then you may wish to re-evaluate just how “dedicated” she is to you. I’m not suggesting she’s stepping out. I’m saying she doesn’t care enough about you to meet the definition of “dedicated”.
That's a pretty tough reality. I think it's very sad to hear that your wife reached menopause so early. Love and sex are two different things. Unconnected. Thats why we can love someone without having sex with them and can have sex without loving that person. If they were connected, it would mean our love is not unconditional but, instead, it is indeed conditional on having sex with each other. Separating the two might help you reach a working plan. Your wife may not be up for discussing you having sex with another woman. She's possibly been through enough already and lost a lot of herself which means she could feel she would lose you if you go elsewhere. So the obvious solution is to be absolutely discreet. Separate sex from the concept of love. Keep loving your wife as much as you do, and keep showing her that you love her just as you've always done. (Dont mix that up with giving her gifts to relieve your guilt - she'll see it for what it is and be more hurt). Have sex elsewhere such that your wife will never discover, so she has no concept of losing you, For some, that may seem like I'm advising you to 'cheat'. They can put a simple label on it if they are themselves so simple but this is no simple or naive matter. You need sexual stimulation arousal and orgasms. 'Need'; for your sexual and mental health. Everyone's hormones get out of order from time to time. You need good arousal to help put them back to normal. Thats why masturbation (not actual sex), can get rid of headache and migraine as well as preventing seizures (such as those from elipepsy), lift people from depression and also resetting cortisol, the stress hormone, which if cortisol gets too high, can trigger serious acute chest and heart conditions. I don't mean self masturbation: that's not enough to do it. It needs to be someone else who'll prolong just one long arousal with continual stimulation and after about 20-30 mins, her getting you off. If she keeps you close to cumming but not letting you, you'll be writhing and squirming, groaning and grunting throughout and probably like I was, begging 'make me cum make me cum make me cum'. (A former fiance did that and it was unbelievable with almost tangible benefits for days afterwards). Dr has since confirmed my 'solution' (prolonged arousal before orgasm) to reset hormones and help improve mental health. That's the real mental health subject in action rather than that of teenage or GenZ tantrums from things going awry. I suggest you be absolutely discreet. Find a sexworker if you need to. Dont let the term put you off. Many are normal drug-free women who've noticed men want to fuck and they're seizing an opportunity. They know a lot about men and their needs and they often will fulfill them without concern. They might just become a listening ear for you and also a immensely good wank or BJ instead of what you envisage today. Think of it like going to the dentist except you're having your brain cleaned rather than teeth. If not a sexworker, I suggest that it must be very close friend or a close friend of your wife, who understands, but that's more risky. Happy to chat more and by PM, if you wish. As for me, I'm in a slightly similar situation. I've avoided 'straying' but recently a close friend of my SO took severe chest pains. Cortisol is seriously elevated. She needs orgasms following prolonged arousal. In order that I will be the friend for a friend - being for a friend, that type of real friend that I have - I'm going to give her that attention to try to fend off a heart attack. What friend would sit back and do nothing?! She's not been given meds yet her cortisol is significantly elevated. She may sort me out too but the important aspect is that she knows she's potentially close to a heart attack and my solution may help her long term. Sex would be secondary. That means that she's less likely to blurt it out to my SO, because it was to save her (or to relieve my guilt from not saving her), that led to it. It isn't my need to stick my cock somewhere that's causing this. I'm not sexually attracted to her either though I do enjoy giving pleasure rather than receiving so I don't really need to be sexually attracted.
Yes, very discreet…I never ask for full names, but many men tell their stories and are similar where it is not love the guy wants, but just the chance to to have sex and release the bottled sexual energy.
Well damn... the OP has not returned after such a post. It is real and tragic, and affects a LOT of men. Me included I have an outstanding wife in every other capacity. She is, simply put, fucking awesome for me, and I her. We are a team. She is 5 years post menopause and her drive is basically zero. Hormone therapies had too many side effects and interactions with other medication that is more of a priority. We have sex very little now, and when we do - it is not satisfying. She was interactive before, and enjoyed lots of things. Doesn't anymore. And I am not interested in having sex with her when she doesn't want to. That doesn't make me feel very well about myself. She knows I talk and interact online, and is okay with it. Only request is I don't do it a lot when she is with me. Which is fair. I will not cheat on her, however we have talked about outside "help" with this, but she is not dumb. If you go outside of the marriage - the risk of feelings is high. Not necessarily from YOU - but the other person. There are 1,000,000 horror stories out there when that happens. So besides hiring an escort, which isn't much interest to me because - again - I am not interested in "sexual charity" or having to pay money for it. So here I am. And why I masturbate on cam with others etc. It is what I have. Trouble is, you have to control it and yourself. There is a lot of stuff out there that is not good for you.
Quick response...not terse though. I don't understand the term "sexual charity". One thing that did register with me, on first read, was 'when we do have sex, its not satisfying', or words to that effect. Not satisfying for you or for your wife? Or not satisfying for you and you're not sure about her? There's not much to my understanding of sexual charity. A woman fucks you or you fuck her, just for the orgasm and you both cum. Thats not charity, surely. You could both enjoy equally hence my suggestion that it's not charity. Happy to chat more about it...
She is post menopause, has exactly zero sex drive. None. So she will never enjoy it. It just doesn't do anything for her other than doing it for me - "sexual charity".
Apologies @iamjustme I must have wandered off into FWB or FB territory and thought a 'mercy fuck' was my name for 'sexual charity'. I wonder if post #5 from me might be of use to you?
Good post - and what you say, I somewhat do. She knows I talk on sex forums to folks, and is okay with that as long as I don't do it in the evenings that is "our time". That is fair. She doesn't know I cam with people however. This provides some relief for my sexual needs. Getting that connection. But no, nit completely. I very much want to have sex with a woman. I have one right now that lives about 4 states away that is 100% willing and wants to. But there is no way I can get on a plane, kiss the wife bye and say "going to have sex with a 25 year old now" and not feel like dog shit for doing it. (Yes she is 25, what can I say? And she looks good) It is a very tough road.
I don’t understand. You’ve been together this long. She has absolutely no desire but has no sympathy/compassion to send you off to get what you need? Not wanting to brag but mine is so considerate, she’d seek women for me to satisfy my needs if she couldn’t do it. Why won’t yours at least give you her blessings?
