I want to leave him

Okay, so how many of you honestly think I'm retarded? Like I.Q. under 100 I think it is...

Well, my husband says that. In arguments enough that I think he believes it...

He.... well, he's ALWAYS putting me down cause I have an alcohol problem and sleep a lot BECAUSE I'm so fucking depressed and have anxiety problems. I've done so many drugs and my mind is slipping at times....

And honestly- I think I'm dying...no, I don't think that. I know that- I dont go to doctors about it cause I'm so fucking scared and my anxiety... I just cant do it.

I'm a loving person and I've come so far about the horrible things that have happened to me...

NOW, (if you've read this far, THANK YOU!)..... I know I need to change. I need someone or someones who love me as much as I KNOW I love myself.

BUT, I cant change here because he is constantly putting me down. It drives me nuts. I love it when he's gone and when he's here, I want to kill myself.

But oh, he's a great person. I fucking love him.... we've been together for so long and there's a reason I was drawn to him. BUT, I CANT change here... in this situation.

However, I dont know what to do. I cant move in with my parents cause they are fucked up. The few friends I have here, for one reason or another I cant move in with.

AND, I have no job, no energy, sick all the time and have two felonies (for selling esctasy)- so I couldnt move out on my own.

There are people I could move with.... one in particular that I want to. But when you hardly know them, how can you trust things?

I'm so sad and I want to change but I dont know WHAT to do.....

Sorry this was so long.

 

I mean, I hate to sound whiney but I dont know what to do anymore....

I really dont.

I want to live but I cant live like this anymore.

I wish I could just live in a tent at a festival in a pretty enviroment without negative vibes near me or money and with kind people...

I just.... I'm so upset most of the time and I hold it in. I am a nice person. I'm really just a bundle of love...

but damn.....

 

You may not wunna hear this, but I know people just like you who stay in abusive relationships. You are half at fault for staying, in my opinion. I'm sorry but if shit was REALLY that messed up, you'd leave. Doesn't matter where, you'd leave.

 

Exactly what I was going to say.

 

You can talk about change and reform until you're blue in the face, but talking isn't going to change anything. If you really wanted things to change, I think you would have done it a long time ago.

 

If for whatever reason you can't bring yourself to walk out that door.....start taking steps towards it....get a job...ANY job, and start sockin away some bucks.

If he gives you any crap about a job..go volunteer somewhere and if that doesn't lead into a paying job then let him think you're still volunteering and go get a paying job.

We allow others to treat us a certain way, if you are serious about this then write down why you want to leave...and go look at it every time he's honeymooning you and you want to give him the money you've been saving because after all...HE"S SO FREAKING WONDERFUL.....take off your blinders,and smell the rot.

You need to look at all the pro's and con's in this and see which way the scale leans, I was there for 15 years before I walked out the last time for good.

If I hadn't I don't know where i would be but it wouldn't be with the most wonderful husband now.
Sometimes we HAVE to close the door on a chapter of our life before anything wonderful can happen to us.
Good Luck and make a move, big or small, but make one.
teepi

 

I will not add my two cents.


Ok I will.

Sounds to me like the only battle you are having in that relationship is the battle with yerself.

Love won't leave if you give yourself a bit of time [in the tent]. So take it if you need it.

Take it if you need it.

 

BTW ...

most of you are fucking assholes who have never and will probably never be in a situation like that.
















Pretending doesn't count. Assfuck.

 

i just came back from taking a drive.... on a nice, windey (sp.) country road listening to outkast...god, the song "a fine line between love and hate" (dont know if that's the title for sure) really helps....


anyways, i know you are ALL right.

just wanna say about certain comments- it's harder then you think to leave.

i didnt marry him to leave him.

ya know?

 

This is very true, OSF. But I don't see why we can't give the best advice we can.

 

You know why you shouldn't give the best advice you can?


CAUSE IT WON'T MEAN DICK!


What the fuck is the point of asking the pool guy about microwaves?

 

i cant do it anymore.


ive never had a good life. big deal... i know, im over it. i love everyone that has hurt me.

i love myself.

but certain people tell me im strong.

fuck, i try to be strong.

but im not.

im just a scared baby....

 

You know when you push the pause button on the vcr? It's only five minutes.






Doesn't mean you don't want to see the rest of the movie.

Yeah it is hard to do but take the five and fix the damned tracking. TRUST ME.

 

im sorry guys...


it just hurts.

i thought about suicide anymore cause i want it all to be over with. this shit has been going on for YEARS... all my life.

and

i LOVE LIFE too much... just looking at a tree or myself in the mirror or making a dumb joke

BUT im hurting so bad right now.

i dont know what to do and i dont know if i CAN do anything.....

 

I sense some deep-rooted anger, possibly stemming from something that happened to you as a child.

I'd like you to show me on the doll where the bad man touched you. It's okay. This is a safe place. And I won't tell anyone. Just show me on the doll where you were touched. It's the only way I can help you.

 

and OSF, thanks....

what you said made sense to me.

 

eliot! dont make jokes in my serious thread....


(anyone ever notice when i say things like that it's always a half joke?)

 

you know what, trish, this is what everybody told me. probably they're all right.

start by setting small goals for yourself, so you can see yourself achieving something. for me it was making phone calls & picking up applications. the next step was to fill out and return the applications, lol. but you get the idea. tiny baby steps towards independance.

i've watched you struggling with you addictions and anxiety, and i really don't know what to tell you that will really help. i overcame crippling anxiety and depression myslef once, but i'm not completely out of the muck yet, it just doesn't stop me from effectively functioning anymore. and i don't know how i did it, really, except that it was a lot of small changes over time. oh, and having an effective private counsellor instead of letting myself get processed in "the system" was an enormous help, too. i think it was largely a matter of learning to see myself as competent. you can do that too, but start with little tiny baby steps.

pm me if you want, but i won't be able to spend much time online until the kids are in bed. but i will get back to you.

btw,i've put in more applications, and been turned down by more places. but i'm not quitting, i'm exploring some other opportunities right now, and haven't thrown out the idea of my own business. the crisis with suresh's job situation has ironically made things a little more bearable, families come together in tough times i guess. suresh is still saying he's going to seek counselling and NVC (non-violent communication) training, but i'm not holding my breath. oh, and should the worst happen, i have a potential roommate, too. hopefully it won't come to that, but i'm closer to being able to take that leap if it does.

baby steps. and don't forget, babies fall down a lot, so don't be harsh on yourself if you suffer a setback or two along the way.

 

Yes ma'am. Please don't lock me in the closet again. It's so dark in the closet.

 

thanks lizzie.. you're a wonderful person. i may pm you tonight.

man, im not even social anymore. i owe like 4 people mail..more phone calls, etc...

i just cant.