Is completely Fucked. Can't tell my friends, Need your help.

Okaye, so here's my story.
It's not a pretty one, but here it goes;

I've always had a hard time with serious emotions like Love, but I always thought it would come in with time so I didn't let it bother me.

Then, the perfect older boy asked me out. Deep down I knew I didnt 'Love' him, but hey, how overrated is Love anyways? I sincerely thought it was only a matter of time before I'd start feeling for him what he felt for me. But I was wrong. Not only that, but what he felt for me was getting stronger, making me more and more uncomfortable. Plus, one of his friends who had formerly been in Love with him was making up rumors about me, so this made me uncomfortable to be around his friends as well.

Then, I did a terrible thing to a great person. An other had sex with me. We were intoxicated, and it all happened very fast. Never was it planned, never would I have agreed to it. But I take responsibility for my actions; I put myself in a vulnerable situation. After this, I went on with my boyfriend for a while, never talking to or about the former boy at all. I played the game as well as he did, and nobody ever knew. He knew what he did was wrong, so the word never got out.

But my his Love for me was so pure and true, I just couldn't live knowing I was doing this to him. So I broke up. I left him: heartbroken, the other: satisfied and me.. well simply fucked up. I can't tell any of my friends, all I want is for all this to be forgotten.

Then again, as much as I hate the other, a part of me is not sure if it likes him. I can't take it anymore. I don't know how I feel, or what exactly I am thinking. All I can tell you is that I feel so incredibly stupid.. at least nobody knows.

Will I ever be able to truely Love? How do you know when you Love someone?

 

Yes, you will be able to love.

When you love then.. you'll just know. I've had it twice. One turned out well since the circumstances were different. One turned out bad and painful.

It happens.

 

you are only 15 every thing is a bit more confusing now you still got lots of time don't worry, as to what happened let by gones be by gones sometimes things just doesn't get right and you have to move on

 

Like Mojo Risin' said, you will just know when you love someone....it completley consumes you. You're still young at the moment and love comes to all people at different ages and times in there lives, usually when you arnt looking for it and you will defiantley be able to love once you meet that someone. Before i met my boyfriend i felt the same as you, i had a previous boyfriend who claimed to love me and i just couldnt connect like that but thought this might be my one shot and should just keep trying to see if it develops into love.....but it won't work and you will meet someone one day you really adore, the difference will amaze you when it happens.

stick with it.

 

umm lil sis i read between the lines and you said the other (u wont even bring yourself to think his name will you) you said you would have never agreed to it..u said u hate him and u said he knew he did wrong so would never tell

this..is something we should talk aboiut isnt it
you broke up with some1 who cared because of the shame u felt from being raped you havent dealt with the complex emotiopns and feel incapable of love yoi dont even believe it exists and having not dealt with the complicated emotional garbage a tiny part of u believes that you desserve someone like the other