recently some co-workers have been asking about my current dateless status, usually with the motive of setting me up with one of their friends who lives with his mother at 40 or works in a video arcade or something, and i have to tell them, no i'm not even interested in meeting this person. if i date anyone at all, (and i'm not sure at this point if i want to) i want to date a goddamn grown-up. i don't care how old he is, how rich or how poor, i want someone who can stand on his own two feet and pull his own weight. i don't care if he lives in a bus or an eco-mansion. i want someone who keeps his issues to himself (i'm not going to delude myself into believing that anybody's not going to have any issues, i just want him to be able to separate them from mine, and not project them onto me or my kids), bathes, and doesn't rely on either mom, an ex-wife, or the welfare system to pay his rent. i want someone with a cultural understanding that goes beyond Captain Underpants and The Three Stooges. i want a grown-up. does that make me a snob? does that make me a sell-out, or a bitch? i'm just sick to death of over-grown boys. i want a grown-up, or nobody, even if that means becoming a crazy old lady with lots of cats. is a little maturity and responsibility too much to ask?
that's almost what every girl wants really. it's just most settle for less and then don't care cuz they get used to it. you on the other hand have a strong need for someone that is self-reliable, so you don't lower your standards.
i've been divorced twice. that's where "settling" got me. recently i met someone i thought was mature and responsible, but as soon as we slept together he turned into a frightened little boy. I'm just really, really tired of guys who can't get their shit together.
Makes you a snob to who exactly? Who cares, you are old enough to know what you want. No need to feel guilty because you are not wasting your time.
Maybe you just need to live your own life for awhile...there's nothing wrong with that! Reach your own goals, do your own thing, and when someone tries to set you up...politely decline. Sounds like being on your own is what you want anyway. After all, the good ones always come along when you least expect it
there are good things about being single: dont have to deal with other pple's crap. just your own! LOL there was some cheezy book that i read a looooong time about called 'men are just desserts' or some schwag like that. i think the jist was that women dont need men in their lives to be *completed*, that we're just fine and can do A-OK without a guy, and that when (or if) a strong, powerful, self sufficient women decides to let a man into her life, it's just an added bonus. the cherry on top... i dunno, it's been a while, might be worth a reread. <shrug> also, we attract what we're putting out. i know from reading your other threads, that you've been working really hard on making your life stable, KF. so hopefully now that you are living the kind of lifestyle that you want your future mate to have (ie, paying your own rent, standing on your own two feet, etc), he will be drawn to you.
I've been accused of all the things you cite in your post...lol. Oh well, no dating for me I guess. It all depends on what kind of relationship you want, of course. I tend to think that certain kinds of relationships are alright with almost anyone. It's the pressure to "find the right one" that gets women. Good luck. Being a male in a service economy and not being well-off is tougher than most women realize. Post-industrial heterosexual men have been under assault over a few decades now. We're essentially expendable to society. And since women still link affectionate needs with social status needs, I'm going to have to keep swallowing it... Till I get my "shit together" that is.
never lower your standards. don't just settle. and if you never find someone, then, like you said, you'll just be an old lady with cats, and that will be fine because you were able to take care of yourself and do what you wanted to do.
hi kf, i don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a man who is a man and not an over grown child. don't worry, you will find someone when ya least expect it. ps, what's wrong with having lots of cats?
Kitty - Divorced twice - I don't blame you for being cautious. But perhaps the third time will be a charm. At 34, the market of quality men is shrinking - most are "taken". But if you put yourself in some new situations - church groups, social clubs, hiking groups, internet match sites, you may find they guy you are looking for.
I have a friend who met his girlfriend through greensingles.com, so I signed up. I paid $12 and got 3 rejections. I did join the UU church, and renewed my membership to the YMCA, but i seriously doubt I'm going to meet someone there. Recently I met an interesting person through my co-op. We're supposed to have coffee sometime next week, we'll see where that goes.
Kitty - try eHarmony.com or Match.com - they might work for you. Get to know someone on the inside before you see the outside.
I really wasn't impressed with match.com. haven't tried eharmony. co-op guy gave me a huge bear hug when I came in to buy olive oil tonight though. we both have crazy schedules so our coffe date's been pushed back to next tuesday.
Hey Kitty, I am looking at single life again for the first time in a long time, after having settled as well, and know what you are saying. I recently talked to my Aunt who is in her early 60s, She has been divorced 5 times, been through a lot of loser men, etc. Now she lives on her own, with her cats, and she is finally happy and at peace with who she is and isn't trying to be someone else to keep some loser around. Just a thought.
Kitty - I tried eHarmony for a while, and met a number of women with whom I was compatable, and dated one for a half year or so. They ask you to set out what you want in a man, and match you up with guys who meet your criteria. Be very specific in your wants and needs - you may find a soulmate.
