it just keeps getting bleaker.

I don't know what to do. every day I feel less able to function. I feel more lonely, and unloved, and sad. when I go to work my boss treats me like shit (like, repeats "shut up david" over and over again whenever I start talking, high school bullshit, and he's the kind of douchebag who would fire me if I told him to fuck off)

family uses me, I don't make enough money to escape this psychotic goulag of a life. I don't have the motivation to invoke any of the ideas I have to strike out on my own, as, well, lets be honest, part of being actually depressed (the real kind, not the bullshit kind 90% of people think they have) is a loss of motivation, all of it.

I just eel like it would be so much easier to lay my life down for a greater cause, have an honorable way out. do something meaningful with my life, and not have to feel like this any more.

martyr myself in a way that the martyrdom will fulfill the remaining obligations I have.

I want someone to love, someone to love me. hell, I am at the point where I need that.

and each day crawls slightly worse, time has slowed. and I do not know how much longer I can endure.

I do not have the skills to make friends. I do not know how to be happy. I do not know how to live. and, the problem is, everyone else I know either thinks these are such elementary things, it must be my fault I do not know, and that there is nothing to know, or they do not know themselves.

telling me to simply do these things would be as if I were to tell most people to just make a pair of glasses. or just build a computer, or just solder a perfect joint.

"just" works differently for me than most of you.

 

You may not have much in your eyes. But, hey... at least you're smart. That's more than most people have.
Stick around, the show has yet to begin.
You're 21 right?

 

I really sympathise. Been there.
Looking for love is good but don't look too hard... it's right there inside you. And in hindsight i see that when i thought i was lacking love so mutch in my life, when life seemed so bleak and painful ... that was when i was loving the most. Sometimes it's hard to see love when it's really already there because we expect it in certain forms or ways ... you probably don't realise how loving and lovable you already are.

Yes in five or ten years time you could look back at now and it would seem like a different lifetime. One can change their outlook so mutch.

 

you need to practice your socializing skills, you do this by socializing.
I know this because I used to not be able to talk to people...I was too shy and studdered to much. Now I can talk to anyone...because I believe I can.
You just have to go with the flow.

you are the conductor of meaning...meaning you need to find something to live for.

where do you want to be? what do you want to do? visualize this and do everything you can to get there. peace.

 

you dont need a boss in your life like that.
That abuse and its bullshit you should have to deal with that. Id tell you to get a new job but maybe it might not be as easy.


Im sorry man hope things get better for you,
Btw i send you a pm, hoepfully it will cheer you up

 

(((((dave)))))
Sorry you feel so down.

Though when reading your post I am wondering how much you believe in yourself. People don't treat you like shit when you give what you want to recieve in return. I know what sounds cliche...but what you give you truly do receive.

You keep saying you don't have the social skills. Why don't you? what keeps you from it except yourself?

 

Yes they do if they feel so inclined. It's not up to me and my thoughts what goes on in the mind of another. Also how we feel treated by another is not necessarily how they treat us, but our perception of how they treat us.
And also "when you give what you want to recieve in return." isn't really giving is it? It's trading. An agreement that could fall apart at any moment. Giving is a selfless act, and so can recieving be a selfless act. But to give with thoughts of recieving is selfish.

 

seriously. I am really tired of people treating me as though I am a fool due to my age. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of interacting with people being like reading for a dyslexic.

I'm just tired. I don't know where to go, or what to do.

happiness seems unobtainable, and I am surrounded by a confederacy of fools.

 

If you don't have a spiritual dimension in your life already it sounds like you may need one ... a surface existance alone begins to lack something after a while.

I'd suggest reading either 'The power of now' or 'A new earth' by Eckhart Tolle ... kind of a cross between spiritual teaching and self empowerment.

 

lmao i think its funny how you think your the one of a few about 60% of our population is depressed and have it much worst then you so get over youself if your really that depressed join the army thats what im doing going out with a bang litteraly xD and if i survive well then ill live my life knowing i was meant for a better cause

 

Dave, there is an intelligence in the universe which knows and wants to look after you, yes YOU. It loves you deeply because it is you ... you just dont know it ... yet. It just asks for your trust so it can guide you to people, places, jobs ect and take you on your journey through life. Just follow your heart and gut and know that help is being given.
I've been living this way all my life, but only in the last several years have really begun to understand this arrangement and put my trust in it... and i'm still learning to trust it more. A meal, place to sleep, air to breath and companionship is all you need (and thats the least of it) and will always be there until you breath your last breath and step into the great unknown, which is yet another journey, the same journey.
We can't know what's in store for us because it messes with out thoughts and stifles the bigger plan ... which is why we have to trust.
It's just one foot in front of the other, so just follow your nose.