I've gotten myself into a pickle

I usually lurk here. I love that there are so many forums and so much stuff to read. And I like it that I seem to have 420 in common with most of you. I choked down my reluctance to post today and introduced myself because I'm in a weird place. I know none of you know me because I'm a lurker, so I apologize for just jumping in with this. My one friend with whom I've tried to talk this through totally doesn't understand, and I guess I am feeling like a nutjob for feeling this way.

Here's the deal. I'm 33 years old. My husband died in an accident three years ago. Since then, I've been celibate by choice. I am still fairly attractive, slim, and have a decent personality, so I get a fair amount of male attention. I just never liked sex. I was sexually abused when I was a teenager, and it sort of colored the way I respond to men, sex, and the whole enchilada. And when I say I don't like sex, I mean none of it. I don't like vaginal, anal, oral, bdsm, you name it. If the expectation is for me to engage with another person in that way, I'm totally not feeling the love. When my husband died, I gave myself a little present. I excused myself from ever having sex again.

Here's my problem. I met this really great guy a few months ago. I wasn't trying to meet a man. My (female) friend that I mentioned eons ago in my first paragraph gets me to do volunteer work "so I won't be in that house smoking all weekend." I enjoy spending the time with her each week and look forward to it. She doesn't know that I always smoke a bowl about ten minutes before she's due to arrive, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Anyway, I met J one Saturday while volunteering for our local shelter. We started talking, realized we had some things in common, and started hanging out a bit. I mentioned watching "That 70s Show," and he commented that he had never seen it, so he started coming over here and watching it since I own it on DVD. Side note: One perk of being a young widow is that my house is paid off. Anyway, I thought we were just hanging out, and I was really enjoying having a new friend. That is, I was really enjoying having a new friend until he kissed me on the mouth last night. It was just a peck, so it wasn't a situation where I could really take a course of action. I went to bed last night thinking about it after he left. I am stymied in regards to this situation.

I really could enjoy having this guy as a boyfriend. He's cute, attentive, gentlemanly, and, most of all, fun to talk to. I'd be a liar if I didn't admit I find him attractive. I just don't want to do the deed with him, but I know I could. I got really good over the years at just ignoring the sex and thinking about other stuff. Thing is, after the first encounter or two, they notice. Then, one of two things happens: They either try to help me enjoy sex (and grow increasingly frustrated) or they run like hell (and I don't blame them). Either way, the situation turns uncomfortable.

Now, this dude is obviously in the market for a girlfriend. I can tell him that I love his company, but I am just not in the market for a boyfriend. If I do that, I then get to watch him edge away so he can look for a girlfriend. I wouldn't blame him for doing so. You chase what you want. That's human nature. The other thing I can do is kiss back next time and see how things go. Since I kind of know how things will go, I sort of feel like this is an unfair situation to put him in because I do genuinely like him. The last thing I can do is tell him I really like him and that I'm really interested, but my past fucked me up so much that I can't enjoy sex. Unfortunately, I also know how this one goes. The man might declare himself my savior because he has the magic touch and has then grown increasingly frustrated when I didn't respond. Oh, and they usually got nastier and nastier about it as things went along. All of these options suck stale ass. I don't want to do any of them, but I know I'm going to have to do one of them.

Oh well. If you've read this far, thanks. Maybe I just needed a place to rant about it and think about it some more. I sure hope I didn't post this in the wrong forum. I started to post it in True Confessions. Oh well. It's the internet. At least I can disappear if everyone hates my guts. (ha ha)

 

would you be alright having an open relationship type of thing with this guy? like he can be your bf while going out and finding other girls to get his jollies off to? if thats something you wouldnt mind you might want to consider bringing it up if the sex situation arises between you two..

 

i guess i don't have any advice for you, though i think danger's idea might be a good option. I guess i just wanted to say i don't hate your guts and i hope you post more often, you seem nice and intelligent from your post, and i'm sorry you had something happen to you unwillingly that has messed with your relationships/life this far into it

 

Thank y'all for taking time to share your insights. The open relationship thing is a good idea. I think the biggest problem with that is why would a guy want me if he had to find tail somewhere else? I just can't see a guy wanting that situation. I'm going to have to make up my mind pretty damn quick, though, because he just called and we decided to order pizza and do a 70s show marathon. Oh, I have the biggest feeling I am stepping into an extra large pile of shit. Wish me luck.

 

I have. My problem is that I really do feel the other stuff, and I know that when he does find a real girl, I'm going to be jealous and end the association. I know I'd miss him if all that happned.

You know, it's freaky. It's not that I don't feel sexually turned on. I do. It's that when it gets down to the deed, I sort of freeze up and end up just laying there watching the wall. I agree with you, InsaneJester, I am shit out of luck on this one. I need to either suck it up and whore it out or else explain that I'm not normal and tell him to get the fuck out of my life before it ends up in a big old mess. I should never have even started talking to him and should have just ignored his attempts to draw me out. I'm a grown woman, and I know better than to do this. I think I just got lonely and let it get to me.

Here's what I've done now: I let him spend the night last night. We didn't really do anything. It just got late, and we were both baked. I hated the idea of him driving back across town at 3 a.m., so I told him to sleep on the couch. He wheedled his way into the bed, but he didn't try anything. This sucks. Part of me just wants to fast forward a month. This stuff makes me so incredibly sad.

 

Gosh, I'm so sorry for all your troubles.

Here's my tuppence worth. I think you should actively seek out some therapy, either via a private therapist, or via your Doctor. I know in the UK therapy still has a stigma attached to it, and it is more accepted in most parts of the USA, but I believe in it, and so I hope you don't get offended by my opnion.

It's just that, as the trauma of what happened to you is obviously still hanging in your life (whether you've spoken to someone about it before or not), and with losing your husband too (I'm so sorry to hear of your pains), I really think that there is something that can be done to unlock your fears and free you to live your life, and enjoy it. I did a quick internet search, for a place in the location I hope may be near you, and came up with this link to a centre that might be able to help you, as an adult survivor of abuse : http://www.ccnetx.com/index.htm

The thing is that 99% of us - men and women - actually desire that special companionship with someone. You don't seem that different, and you have grieved for your lost husband and will probably feel the loss for many years, but above all, you are DEFINATELY NOT a nutjob! Why not get some assistance in helping to take a step forward from the past.

I think you ought to be honest with this new guy "J", if you like him. Yes, he could suddenly think he is capable of healing your past, but at the same time I really think you ought to tell him that you are getting professional advice and help for it (and make sure you do), and just for now, you don't want to move too fast. If you feel you need an excuse for sex, mention the loss of your husband, and that you aren't ready to sleep with, or be involved sexually with "J" just yet, and that he should be patient and give you some time. If he respects you, and the feelings you have for him are mutual between you both, then he should also respect your right to say "no", and by telling him as soon as possible you aren't mis-leading him. Right now, I think you need to make sure you do everything right, for your own peace of mind, so if he gets frustrated in future, you can remind him of what you originally said. Men view sex very differently to women, but if he isn't prepared to wait and be understanding, then is he really someone you want or need in your life ?

The choices you listed are only the ones you have assumed are open to you, but there are always more you haven't listed/seen. Don't assume anything, there are always more choices even if we personally haven't seen them. I won't lie to you and say that one day you'll enjoy sex, it may never happen for you, everyone is different, and you've obviously carried your trauma with you for many years, so its not going to change, right away overnight.

Personally, I'd take you by the shoulders, and look firmly into your eyes and say: give yourself a chance. Take a big deep breath of fresh air, and get the help you seem to need. You never know what could happen in the future, but take that chance and leap into your fears, and face them with the knowlege that you CAN change your situation.

This guy may not be the one for you, even if you like him now, but if you are starting a relationship with anyone, then be honest about your own situation, and take it one baby step at a time. If the guy is worth it, then he will support you on your new journey.

Good luck, stick around and post more. Do keep us updated with how things are going.

I'm thinking of you.

 

Jinny, I wanted to thank you for your insightful reply. That took some thought as well as some time to type out, and I really really appreciate your doing it.

First off, I'll say that I did do therapy for about three years when I was married. I should have mentioned that and didn't realize that I didn't mention it until I saw your post. Therapy did help me think through my feelings, but, ultimately, didn't fix what my husband had hoped it would. My husband always thought that I was just too stubborn for it to really help, and maybe he was right. I got better about stuff and didn't have such a phobia, but I never really could let go or relax enough to really enjoy it. Now, if I've got some chemicals in my system, I relax slightly more, but not to the point of any real pleasure. After about three years, I had just had enough. It was exhausting, and I had reached a point that I really felt like I was wasting my money. It was kind of like going to the chiropractor. It felt good, but it just wasn't helping enough to justify the expense. I think what the whole thing taught me is that not being able to let go and really get into sex with man is a defense mechanism I developed to keep from going bananas about what was being done to me all that time. I'm not saying I'll never go back to therapy, but I don't know that I want to add the expense to my life again right now. And, no, you didn't offend me by suggesting it. This whole thing is so damn frustrating to me. I often feel like I'm missing it out on something big.

Exactly! I do desire having that special relationship. It's not the cuddling or the lovey dovey InsaneJester mentioned that I'm craving, but I am craving more than a guy who comes here, eats my popcorn and watches my TV and then goes out to pick up his real girlfriend. When you like the guy in question, that would really kind of suck.

You know, you're right. J might not do any of the things I think he will. Then again, he might.

I have pretty much made up my mind to just be honest next time he makes a pass at me and see where it goes from there. He might not be worth the trouble. And, as you said he might be worth it. And, yes, I'll keep you all updated. I actually feel free having made a course of action.

 

Your story really touched my heart, Sadie. It took a lot of courage for you to share your situation with all of us. I admire you for that.



I’m not a lurker, but none of you have heard from me. I only recently discovered these forums and this is only my second post. I don’t have a magic answer to your problem, but I do have some thoughts.



First off, I agree with everything that Jinny said. She obviously has a kind heart as well as a good understanding of human nature.



It seems to me that your problem is primarily not about sex. It’s about intimacy. I’m talking about emotional intimacy, not the sexual kind. I think that most of us can live without sex (with a little help from our right hand, perhaps) a lot easier that we can live without intimacy. There is a natural craving in everyone to reach out to another human being and to share our innermost hopes and fears and emotions. This, of course, requires a great deal of trust. And therein lies the rub.



I suspect that your abuse as a teenager makes it difficult for you to trust anyone (or maybe just men) enough to be truly intimate. Being emotionally intimate means letting your guard down. Making love means letting your guard down. And having orgasms with someone means really letting your guard down!



What should you do?



Surround yourself with compassionate, loving people. Get as close to as many of these people as you can. Form deep, abiding, intimate friendships. These friends will help you learn how to trust more fully. Don’t limit yourself to just women friends, though. Include men, too. Early on in these budding he/she friendships, mention casually that you’re not interested in any romantic relationships right now. You don’t have to explain why.



As you feel more comfortable — especially with men — try to extend your level of trust if it seems justified by the other person’s behavior. Shoot for being as close as two people can be with their clothes on.



Join a support group for survivors of abuse. I’m sure this can be very helpful, and it will probably cost little or nothing. Consider trying therapy again — possibly group therapy. I’m convinced that there are two kinds of therapy. One type is analytical and you spend weeks or years or decades learning exactly why you’re screwed up, without getting any better. The other variety is non-analytical, but rather focuses on helping you to change. This, in my view, is much more helpful.



Well, that’s my tuppence worth.



Please keep in touch by continuing to post. I’ll be pulling for you. And I’ll be sending some good ol’ garden-variety love your way across the ether.

 

Hello Sadie,

I fell so sad for you... I really think you need to heal yourself instead of just avoiding sex. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being celibate, but you have a problem with being abused and that issue should be cleared up. Since the others have already mention counseling & silimiar therapies, I'm going to suggest Reiki to you. You may or may not be into the idea, but I love Reiki and I can definitely see it helping in your situation.

Now about the guy, if you do decide to pursue a relationship with him, I think you should tell him ASAP about your feelings concerning sex and your past sexual abuse.

Good luck Sadie, I hope things work out!

 

First off, I wanted to thank you all for your wonderful replies, and apologize for being absent. This is what work does, darn those paychecks. My boss wanted to extend the long weekend, so we were running mad this week. How my job can be was honestly my hesitancy about participating here. I hope nobody thought I just had you on ignore because that's totally not the case.

FrankM:

You know, this made me crack up. It's true, but it made me crack up. I could use my vibrator for the rest of my life. It's that being with another person that I'm wanting. I realize that after talking and thinking a little bit about it.

I wanted to thank you for all your thoughts, FrankM. And I wanted to thank you even more for your compassion. You seem like a pretty nice guy. As to what you said about therapy, it really made me think. Perhaps those three years I spent in therapy were about thinking about the fact that I was horribly abused and accepting that and nothing else. I'm going to do some checking around and see if I can't find a group to join. It might be a bust, but I can always quit, you know?

Your thoughts about trying to trust people more (because I don't) are good ones. I do need to let more people into my life. I have such a hard time with that. I think part of it is being in Texas. I am a native, but I was raised in a very liberal family. Many people in Texas are derisive of being a liberal, and because of it, I often just don't give people a chance. I need to start giving people a chance to prove they are jerks rather than just writing them off.

The same goes back to you, and thanks again for taking the time to type out such an insightful post.

Sensational Treasures:

I agree with about everything you said, especially this:

He came over a couple of times this week to watch TV. We both sort of wanted a break from That 70s Show, so I bought the first season of Scrubs, and he bought the first season of Deadwood. We didn't really talk a lot because I was tired from work, and so was he. We just sort of passed the peace pipe and vegged in front of the tube. On the nights he comes here, I've started cooking supper for both of us, which we didn't talk about. I know I need to talk to him before this goes any further. I am torn between sending him an email he can read at work or whatever and think about all day without having to look me in the eye or reply to me. Then part of me thinks that's a cop out and that I just need to tell him my feelings to his face and be a grown up about it.

You know, I think I wish I had stayed a kid. This grownup stuff is too complex for me.

Edited to add: I didn't comment on the Reiki because I just don't know anything about it. I have a friend who is into that sort of thing, and I'll have talk to her about it and see what she knows.

 

Hi SadieLady,
I just want to tell you that your situation seems completely normal. I to was sexually abused as a teenager and I seeked professional help and it helped me a lot so maybe you could consider talking to a professional therapist to better understand what happened to you. I think you should be honest with this guy that your seeing. I know if I was ever married and my husband died, I wouldn't be able to move on but some people have a way of staying strong and getting over it. Maybe you don't have to love him as much as you loved your husband, maybe you to could just be sexually interested like he is in you. Let him know that you are interested in him for sex only, I doubt he'll have any problem with that. I actually knew a guy kind of like the one you are describing, he would come over all the time and we to would watch That 70's Show or other shows, only he wouldn't do anything sexual, I asked him to but he wouldn't so there may be some good guys out there. Time will only tell so let time take it's course and be what it is. If you ever need someone to talk to, PM me.

 

First of all, Sadie, welcome. I hope we'll se alot more of you around here, you seem real sweet and intelligent.


I agree with alot of the posts above me...I think you should tell him what's going on. It's only fair. But you do need to try to work through your own situation too, with or without him in the picture. Again, nothing against celibacy, if that's what you really want, but you need to heal your wounds and look after your own well being.

Open up to him, and help him to understand why you are in the state you're in. If he is sincere, he will understand. If a woman I loved came to me with this same situation, I would understand. And I'm speaking from experience here.

My ex-girlfriend was sexually abused for years by her own family, and I was the only person she could confide in for the longest time. I always knew there was a bit of a distance when I tried to get close to her. But when she finally opened up to me and told me what she had gone through, I understood completely, and I didn't push her into anything.

Just see how it goes, a step at a time, it will all work out, I'm sure.

Best of luck with everything.

Love.

-DS

 

I haven't read over every response here, so I hope I'm not repeating someone else's question/advice.

Yes, honesty is good. Honesty is great. Getting "healthy" would be best. I'm not saying you're sick. I'm saying you've got heavy emotional calluses that just may respond to the right approach. I'm not a psychologist, just a well-meaning amateur.

My thought is this... you do have a sex drive. You can enjoy sex or you wouldn't own a vibrator. So, the problem is with having a partner touching you. Okay, what do you think might happen if you let HIM use the vibrator on you? Still cold potatoes? If he cares enough, he'd be willing to try, and if you like him enough, you might want to consider it. The reason I say this is simple... my s.o. was very abused. There were times during sex that something would snap and she'd freak... crying and shaking and simply out-of-control full-blown panic attack. I could tell it took all her will to not start slapping and hitting me to get me the hell away. All I could do is take her and hold her close and sit and rock her until the spell passed.

She hasn't had a spell in years. It took a long time and patience. I also realize the cases aren't identical... but the cause is from the same root.

Just something to think about.

 

This may sound odd to you, but therapy may be the answer. I suggest hypnotherapy due to the subconcious nature of your problem. No, you can't be made to do things you don't want to do while hypnotized, it's simply a relaxed stated in which is used nuero linguistic programming. I've seen it work numerous times for a variety of subconcious maladies, usually for addiction, etc. Most sessions take an hour or less.

Secondly, if you really like this guy, then be open and honest with him about your problem, when you get to know him better of course.

 

I was just thinking hypnosis too.

Not seriously at first, but that could be seriously hot. A trigger word to turn a shy girl into an aggressive lusty thrill seeker. (And all the while clucking like a chicken.)

 

I know I'm weird, but I am totally into getting stuff right out in the open in the first place. If you really like this guy, and it is obvious that you do, then you need to tell him about the abuse, and about your feelings about sex. Letting him into the bed already opened the door for that in the future, and you know where that is leading. It's not fair to let him think of you in that manner and not be intending to have sex with him all along.

I think you may be underestimating this guy. He may very well be open to just being friends, and keeping the clothes on. I have several female friends, and these relationships are totally unsexual in nature, and I am OK with that. I also believe that if you find the right guy, that your lack of interest and discomfort with sex may very well just evaporate on it's own, and you will find yourself healing naturally.

For now, just have him over, and get it right out on the table, and work from there. Your relationship can't grow if you don't be honest. I think you owe it to yourself to keep trying, because sex with someone you love can be a wonderful thing. men can't help trying, we're all dogs by nature, but not all of us are bad dogs, and some of us can even be trained BTW, keep on with the 420 thing, it's good for you all the way around, and it helps with mental stress. I also love that 70's show. Good TV there Peace....

 

First off, respect to you for opening up so much, that's rare in people.

I'm not as old as you or had as much experience in life/relationships as you will have, but I know one thing; We were created to be sexually active and enjoy the feeling. I couldn't enjoy sex at all at first because of my up bringing, at all. It even got to the point where I questioned my own sexuality. The worse thing was I had the worst girlfriend anyone could have as their first, she ruined me mentally/sexually everything....ly. I eventually went to get help, not just to feel better about sex but to confront my upbringing and my problems and my hang ups, and to actually talk to someone and get specific help for it helped. I did have to go on pills because i was depressed with my ex.

i dont really know my point here, just thought i'd help out as much as i can (which isn't much).

I can't imagine how you must feel about sex after having such things happen when you were younger, but I do know from talking to alot of people closely about this kind of thing that it is just all in the mind and you can get over it, no matter how far gone or how bad it's got.

errrrm, yeah im no help haha.

I really hope things turn out well for you, and good luck with this guy.

 

No such thing as a 'trigger word'. Hypnosis is not brainwashing. You can't insert ideas into a person's head. You can't make them do what they don't want to do, that's the stuff of sideshows, which is hypersuggestability, not hypnosis.