if we were only wax to be melted away... wicks whipped by a common flame, we could at least leave strange, brave puddles that would stare unblinking, perhaps forever at the fragile smoke of another summer did we come together only to startle sheets and each other with wet requests and languid, slippery, self-induced insomnia...or were we trading souls...bartering without words but with eyes so wide open that they became fantastic crystal balls convincing us of the future... maybe we were always dreaming, performing the days fast asleep but not fast enough to escape the inevitable nightmares that ended in screams and demands that the whole world be stopped quickly and just for us...
is this an old one? lines sound familiar 'wicks whipped by a common flame' in particular. i have an image of you reading it for some reason, can't figure out where.
i dig it i wish the form wasn't the way it was, but that's not my choice i like "did we come together only to startle sheets" i feel like comparing eyeballs to crystal balls might be too simple i feel like if you just tag the word "fire" after summer that first stanza would feel more complete to me
oooohh...very nice! wonderful images. i liked the form, i think the paragraph stanzas keep us in the stream of consciousness. i would have liked punctuation though...and if i could make another suggestion...have you tried it with third person "they"? its a pretty intimate poem and "they" instead of "we" might make it more voyeristic and not so personal...(if that makes sense)
This is a very nice piece of writing. I'm not bothered by the form that much. I think it might prove easier to read in standard lines but that it is fine as is and does add to the type of 'unprocessed thoughts' feeling that this poem gives me. I would however add a comma after forever in the first stanza. It reads a little confusingly as is and I would want the word forever to be given time to sink in. I also think that with all of the original imagery in the poem, crystal balls, seem kind of lazy. I also think that the 'they' idea of skyfire works well with this poem. Generally I prefer to write from a personal viewpoint, I and we, but this seems to have a little more impact when reasd in third person. I dunno why, it just has. Anyway, enjoyable stuff here. Peace, A.
