Marriage and Porn

So, this topic has probably been discussed before, so bear with me as I didn't have the time to read through all old posts.

My wife of 7 years (together about 14 years) just today realized that I watch porn. This is not something I hid from her or lied about, she just never asked. Now she did and I admitted to it. I viewed my porn in private times when she was gone or asleep.

A little background, my wife has always been a very low libido person and me a high libido. We've never had sex more than two times in a week and generally not more than 3 times a month. For years this absolutely frustrated me until I just came to the acceptance that if I love my wife and want to stay with her, this was just something I was going to have to accept. And I did. So, not that I wasn't already into porn, but daily masturbation for me is nothing uncommon. I never ever once turned down sex with my wife. On the contrary, she has turned me down more times than not, so sadly I've approached her significantly less regarding it. She knows this and I've talked about it and told her how much rejection hurts and how I want sex with her but she will have to initiate. And thats where we were at.

Anyway, back to the porn. She found this today. Not sure how. Guess after 14 years she finally figured out the browser history, because honestly, I barely attempted to hide it. I don't know what she saw, but she seemed to allude that it was some orgy/gang bang scene. In my opinion, nothing all that atypical in porn. Anyway, she nearly walked out and divorced me today. I admit there are other issues at play, but this seemed to set her off and my question is why is the porn an issue? She's the one with the low sex drive and, seemingly, is completely satisfied as she's never been turned down. Even if she isn't satisfied, which she admitted to today, its not like she's made anything more than minimal efforts to tell me what she likes in bed.

Porn has not prevented me from doing anything and its really just part of my routine like brushing my teeth. Literally before I go to work I spend 5-10 min to rub one out to relax while she's asleep upstairs.

Can someone help me understand why she would be so offended and disgusted with me? She said she knows men look at porn and isn't surprised by that. Its just making no sense to me... sorry for being lengthy. Help!

 

Because women feel rejected when their men choose to watch other people have sex rather than have their own woman instead. Can you not understand how that would feel?

You say you don't hide it but you only watch it when your wife isn't there. That's a tad contradictory. You must have sensed some sort of negative vibes about it from her to have hidden away after all these years in your own private comfort.

Look at it this way. You may be a great lover I don't know, I won't put you down but for the sake of it let us say you weren't that great and your wife could manage a better time and orgasm by herself which isn't uncommon to begin with. She goes off and decides to watch porn behind your back while you are wondering why she won't commit herself to you. Then when you approach the subject she tells you "I don't feel like sex because I've been watching porn and mastering my own domain" how does that make you feel? Pretty small I'd say. You've been rejected for videos over the real deal.

It isn't the fact that you're watching it. The mentality is "why is he so focused on something that isn't there when he can have what's already his."

And it's a big deal to women. She will assume that you are losing interest with her, looking for something or somebody else. Sex is the most intimate part in a relationship, if you're looking at porn behind her back it's alarm bells, buddy, and she's worried you're growing away from her sexually.

 

Thanks for the reply. So I watch it alone because its private to me. My wife, like I said, is very low libido, which means that, as far as I know, she doesn't and has never masturbated herself. I'm also her only sexual partner ever. And she mine (as far as intercourse). So, my point is, I'm not taking anything away from her and I would gladly have sex with her every day instead of porn. To me, porn is not a substitute, but merely something to use to get by since my drive is higher. I understand completely how rejection feels as she does it to me all the time for years. This is why I'm so floored that she even cares. Clearly sex 2x a month is not enough for me and I've told her that. But she still rejects me or ignores me when I'm interested. Porn never rejects me.

 

True. Well you should explain that to her. I guess it hurts more in an inactive sex life. When you have an active sex life you could watch it together or learn new things.
One thing Like about watching porn is the stupid corny stories are actually fun to role play with sexual partners. I don't like just the old secretary or maid getting boned, I really enjoy the dialogue of actual story ones. They're fun and it fills me with ideas and promising adventures. Maybe you could diffuse some of the anger from her by telling her something similar. Maybe you don't want to cheat on your wife but you're growing more interested in the ideas of group sex. You know this is a no go zone to her so you sought after a way to embrace that lifestyle without hurting her. Unfortunately you have hurt her now and you're very sorry.

 

Interesting ideas but I'm very wary of the response from my wife whom I know very well. I'm trying to get counseling going between us. But until that happens, I'm just trying to understand how my very intelligent wife doesn't also see porn and male masturbation completely routine. Particularly in a poor sex life.

 

He stated he can't have what is his.

So Andy, your wife wants you to be what she wants, not what you are.

That was easy, I should totally be a marriage counselor! (good luck man)

 

Michael,
Regarding sex in the past, I can hardly remember a single encounter with my wife where she was not wet by the time I got her panties off and also didn't, seemingly, cum from oral. Many times she's said something about me being good. I didn't say anything in the first post, but for some reason she said today that she's often dissatisfied with sex and hinted at faking it. She also said she's tried make me better by telling me to "move there" or "go here." Now, my thoughts are she was saying something to hurt me because I love eating pussy and I would eat my wife's all day long if she wanted. I'm guessing her recent memory is clouding the previous good sex sessions. I can remember only a few random occasions where she's suggested I move position and I can only remember one (the last one) where it didn't appear to end in orgasm. I tried to tell her today that she just needs to tell me what she wants and I'm happy to oblige.

 

As a person that spent 16 years in an incompatible marriage I am going to say there is a whole lot more to this then the porn. I am going to take a guess here and say nether one of you are really happy being with each other anymore. I was there for far to long before it finally came to an end 5 years ago. The best 5 years of my life have happened since.

 

things like that make me appreciate that my girl loves porn lol

 

Lol yeah, it's just touchy to some females.
I know a wife who goes out swinging with her man. She has no problem with him walking off on his own and sleeping with other ladies but she hates the fact he watched porn. Loathes it.

 

Women have trouble understanding that masturbation for men is a mostly physical release. Counseling is a good idea though. Obviously it's possible for your wife to have a low libido, but on the reverse side, men don't always realize sex for women is emotional. What I'm getting at is there may be some issues she won't discuss that's keeping her from feeling intimate. If that's the case counseling would be great, but if she just has a low libido, she either needs to accept your porn habit or move on. I don't see how your relationship could work if she isn't intimate, and expects you, who has a high libido, to restrain yourself forever. It's not healthy.

 

I agree Soul. And I understand sex is emotional for women. I know I try to address this but sometimes (lots of times) I just want sex. And if my wife is going to fall asleep or ignore my kissing and caressing, porn it is.

My wife has had a very hard time connecting with me and loving me. Its hard for me to understand why. During this time however I haven't had any sexual expectations of her for a while. Which is why her being mad about porn seems completely hypocritical to me. I mean, either have sex with me or allow me to find alternative and healthy sexual release.

 

I think part of the problem is that you didn't discuss your porn viewing or masturbation before you were married. (Secrets are NEVER good). Before I met DH, I would have been offended if a guy watched porn. When we were dating, we discussed that he watched porn and masturbated. I discovered I was ok with it. We actually watched one together and I couldn't stop laughing. Dialogue? Ha ha. Porn is utterly ridiculous, so I am not threatened by it.

I used to be physically sensitive (get sore), so that affected our sex schedule. It took several years to not be sore after sex. Now our kids affect our sex schedule! Regardless, from the beginning of our relationship, it was either sex with me (first option) or watch porn and masturbate. Since I was always first choice, it didn't bother me. (Besides, I masturbate when we are unable to (because of the kids), so I don't have a problem if he does.

Does your wife masturbate? Does she read romance or erotica? IF so, that is the equivalent of you watching porn. Anyway, you have to work on other issues. According to your post, she said she's not satisfied with you sexually. You need to work on that. Put your ego aside and do what's best for your marriage.

It's an old saying: a happy wife means a happy marriage.

For us, that means a satisfied wife means a happy marriage.

My DH and I have always put our marriage first, and if you and your wife do the same, work on your communication, then you should be fine.

I can't believe she faked it with you. She has to work on that as well. I have never faked it with my DH. In the beginning, I was shy about saying "over here," or whatever. Pure frustration gave me the courage to speak up and we've had a satisfying sex life since.

 

LM- I don't think she has ever masturbated. Its not something she does as part of sex (as in touch herself during intercourse) and has been known in the past as referring to it as gross.

I'm not sure how I feel about the idea that i should have talked to her about it. Its private and clearly not something she is interested. Just like I don't ask her her preference of tampons or pads, porn was just for me. Yes she is always first choice. I would dumbfounded if she didn't realize that after all the years of me begging to have sex with her. Maybe she needs reminding. I don't necessarily watch porn because its a fun time. I do it to get off and usually quickly. Which is why I view it just like brushing my teeth.

As for her faking it, like I said, this is a shock to me. I couldn't tell. She was certainly good at getting wet and pulsing during "orgasm" for being an act. I call bullshit on jer for his allegation. Even if it is true, I get turned on and enjoyment out of making her feel good. Why would i be happy with her not getting off? Just tell me wheere to go or not go and I will listen!!

I am solidly behind the marriage and won't give up on it. Sadly I don't know my wife can say the same thing

 

l think the main reason some women get upset when they find out their husbands are watching porn is simple to understand. Some women are jealous, insecure, ignorant, egoistic and illogical.

It can be worse: they can also be prude and/or religious.

Why did your wife get upset? I don't know. I only know your side of the story. Can be there is a lot more to it. For instance: if my husband was jealous and tried to be like a prude on me, but was watching porn on my back, I'd be pissed. Not because of the porn, but because of his hypocrisy.

 

I'm not positive but I think she may have seen a gangbang scene (4-5 men, 1 woman) and that may have been to non standard for her and it shocked her. As for the scene, its a simulated porn star scene. I guess she just didn't understand that and how tenwomen is really in charge in those things. Maybe her response would have been different if it was a scene of a hairy 70s woman fingering to sappy elevator music. Dunno

 

So if porn offends my wife, what is a husband who is not sexually gratified to do? I want to make her happy. I can offer to delete my collection, but eventually I'll go back. I'm just too horny not to. And I'm too visual to rub one out in the shower without any images. Is there any "less offensive" alternative???

 

Also... The more my wife opens up, I'm getting the sense that she thinks I spends hours looking at porn (actually only 5-10 min daily) and that I should be usng that time to think of romantic ways to improve our relationship. Thats apples to oranges to me, but at least its somewhat of an explanation.

 

May I ask?
Why did she go looking at your history on your computer? What does she say?
Did you ask her if she ever enjoys herself? What does she say?
What does she want you to do if she wont have sex with you and she dont want you to enjoy herself? What did she say?

 

We share a single computer. I'm still not completely sure what she saw, br if it was merely browser history, she didn't actually see much. I don't know why she looked there but maybe it was just random and accidentally she saw porn sites. I don't think she was searching it out.

I did not ask her if she enjoys herself but based on past comments about the grossness of masturbation and the fact that she doesn't touch herself during intercourse leads me to believe she does not pleasure herself ever.

These are definitely things I need to be asking her and I hope she will be both honest and openminded.