(part of the reason im making threads is because i really feel caring and want to here what people have to say.... i can even take criticism) well as almost anyone who follows anything i say lately knows ive bene tkaing benzos every day now for about two and a half months.... went online to get cause my doctor is annoying (altho i got another doc. refill today) anyways i NEEDED them and still do I had social axiety, gad and PANIC ATTACKS BAD... if you've never had a BAD panic attack...stop reading if you are gonna judge. if you're heart rate is 150 bpm and you hurt n feel like you are dying...and doctors give you benzos and you feel NORMAL... its like a miracle. the thing is... i think im starting to over-stay my needed welcome with them. I AM addicted but not super bad. plenty of days i can take one VERY VERY SMALL DOSE only once or twice. other days its like they are candy for me... i know it's not healthy for me.... i know i need to stop it... It's just when I drank all the time and had anxiety all the time i couldnt function well.. on benzos i have energy and can function (cause i have REAL anxiety probs! i DONT take them to get fucked up)..... anyways i have and will have enough to do a weaning off cut down thing...and that is something i really want to do and am gonna do. i quit smoking cigs and drinking on the same day... i can get over a 2.5 month benzo addiction... thing is, since i ordered online it got worse.... much worse.... so judge all you want but until you know the panic that i couldnt stop with meditation/excercise then you dont know. all i know is now that stopping is gonna be HARD.... i have all this nerve damage (hence what was wrong with my eye.... and the numb hands and feet).... so nerve pills.. i HAVE needed them. I just fear im taking too much cause i can... so itll be hard but imma beat it.... im gonna smoke a bowl now and try not to judge myself....
ah well. I have a fairly bad booze and drug problem at my age... in other peoples eyes. This is my thrid day in a row drinking, and i have school tomorrow. The greatest people who ever lived were addicts of some sort. And if you disagree, you're not great at all.
Haha i do agree with the creativity side. I cannot drink. it runs in the family and i abused it. the benzos...REALLY help me but it's time to get serious about weaning off.
lucky i feel you though. Im down a lot where i just need that lift up, but i dont really think it comes in the form of any ingested substance, even though i do take that course a lot. I turn to music, reading, sleeping... what ever it takes to naturally disregard reality. Then when you feel like coming back you have a fresh mind. But i strongly suggest easing on the benzos. Using them as a solution will give you the fire extinguisher effect, and sometimes you have to let shit burn and then rebuild and rejoice.
Lucky, sorry but what do you want from this thread? You asked to hear what people have to say(even criricism) but then you tell us not to judge unless we've had a bad panic attack.
Because i dont want lectured cause i already know.... ya dig? i know i gotta chill on it. i know im playing with fire. i just dont want ppl to judge cause unless you've had the amount of PANIC that ive had you wouldnt be able to understand why i NEED my benzos... im addimiting i need to chill and not relie on them anymore... just dont want ppl who dont know what panic disorder feels like to judge me for taking DRUGS im tryin to be real and i already know what i need to do. i do want words of advice, encourgement and thoughts but not the typical "you druggie, this or that" cause i NEVER used them to get fucked up but for rela probs... answer your question?
im walking a dangerous road. im prepared to cut down and stop.... maybe to have a few around for PANIC ATTACKS but i know i gotta stop the dependency on them.... and ill do it.... it snuck up on me cause i quit worser addictions and had no much anxiety i couldnt deal....
I think ive some sort of panic attacks. Ive been having a lot of visual and auditory hallucinations lately i think i might get checked out at my next appointment. I usually refuse to take the drugs they give me, i wish they'd give me opiates.
and yeah though i do want other people's personal experiences with benzos and/or anxiety.... cause it could help...or encouragement or even constructive critisim i just dont wanna be JUDGED when no one anywhere is me just me. Also swometimes when im thoughtful i just need to get stuff out and i trust you guys. its therapeutic. you know... to admit life isnt easy n you're not perfect n let shit out....
Yes! If you want my opinion, stop self-medicating. Don't buy more than you are prescribed. Having extra medication to take whenever you feel like it is a very strong temptation and can only hamper your efforts to cut down.
ive been in the ER twice with heart rates over 150 bpm.... shaking..sweating... sick to my stomach...unable to breathe n more.... i hate hospitals.. i only went cause i thought they were strokes or heart attacks. symptoms are SOOOO real. they once kept me on heart monitors for four days cause of how PHYSICAL the panic was. Then they'd shoot me up for days with massive amounts (like 10 mills at a time of ativan...n that's huge cause in pills they only come in .5, 1 and 2.) and that would just be to get my heart rate down, me not having other effects and to actually be able to sleep.... THAT is a panic attack to be feared and honestly.... when benzos took away ALL THAT in the past... its easy to just love them. cause that was the worse experience (twice) i EVER had.
This is what I honestly think: You're addicted to benzos, and the fact that they help prevent certain panic attacks is irrelevant. The problem is in the addiction, not in the medical benzo use. They seem to be driving you insane more than anything, considering the massive amount of threads you've posted lately. Quit taking them in such amounts if you feel like you're ready to. If you're not, then ehh... some people learn to lead functional lives with a drug addiction. Life isn't gonna get any better as long as you keep on takin' more and more of 'em though.
Well if you want my opinion, I agree with bsr. I think you have taken these drugs far beyond the therapeutic realm, and into the recreation/abuse/dependency realm. I knew that ordering online was a mistake, also. I can't blame anyone for becoming dependent on benzo's though. The drugs are known for that. That is why its irresponsible for drs to write scripts like that, esp for people with a known drug history. My cousin was given a script for ativan and lost his mind a month or two later, ended up baker acted. He was so fucked up from adderall and many other pills he abused under the pretext of medical neccesity, he had been in comm college for 4 years but not completed a single semester. I got him off pills and blazing, and he now graduated from his program and is stable making 75k a year as a mechanic. He is just an all around good, well balanced person now. My grandfather had such a fucked up childhood I wont get into it on here. Then he fought a couple wars. Needless to say he was on a doctor prescribed cocktail of drugs for years. This man has never sipped alcohol, or taken one puff of tobacco or ganja. But a lot of people have faith in doctors. So he was taking xanax for 11 years STRAIGHT. He too, lost his mind eventually. Acute drug psychosis. He ended up committed and undergoing electric shock therapy. Yes, thats right. ECT. Now he has been doped up on a MASSIVE dose of ssri's for years. He is not even himself anymore, its very sad. Although he does appear happier than he was on a day to day basis, I will personally make sure I never ever find myself in that position. I have had SEVERE panic attacks since I was 15 and my life was really fucked up at the time. I know exactly what you are going through. I have also been down the road you are going down several times before. The thing that I have found which for me personally works in keeping me balanced and away from all those toxic drugs and their side effects, is ganja. The Bible says herb is for healing of the nations and I truly believe that. In fact, because of smoking experiences in the past I have much more conscious control over myself. Weed would initially give me panic attacks by exposing my problems to me, and making me deal with them more. This in turn gave me the ability to shrug off both panic attacks and anxiety rationally. It goes along with something Bob Marley said, 'when you smoke the herb it reveals you to yourself'. But let it be known I believe you can do these same things with NO drugs. Just a healthy lifestyle, eating habits, and supportive people around you. I think that the stuff you are taking is bringing you so far out of balance, from your natural processes and rhythms, that its just plain not healthy. Benzos can be amazing tools for stopping a panic attack dead in its tracks. But you are using it as an escape anytime you feel slight discomfort, which will eventually do away with all your natural and learned coping skills. I think you shouldn't freak out too much, or feel bad or guilty. But you should start taking steps in reducing your benzo consumption, especially combining it with drugs like alcohol. And you need to wean off those things proper, Lucky. You can have seizures and all kinds of nasty shit during benzo withdrawal. Good luck and good vibes.
I was wondering when this thread would come up. I had panic attacks for 4 years, my heart would beat so fast I went in for ECG and heart monitors, no one could understand why my heart was beating so fucking fast. All I knew is that I couldn't breathe, my heart hurt and it would happen almost everyday. I never said I had panic attacks, my doctor sat me down one day and told me thats what was happening and it made sence. I was in a terrible relationship which I was in denial about. I pretended I was fine when I wasn't, in the end I went to the ROM, just a family outting. I had a panic attack that was so bad my mum thought I was having a heart attack, you could see my pulse in my neck. She sat me down and said that it's all a matter of thought, and I was making myself really worked up but did I know why, and I needed to get a grip. I learnt to realize when I was getting a panic attack and I would go outside and cool my body down which would stop them. I think you need to figure out what it is that makes you panic, because most people don't have panic attacks for their entire life. Once they get out of the bad situation they go away. STOP ordering online, only take what your doctors give you. Figure out what happens right before a panic attack that sets them off. Most of all spend time with people that really make you happy, I started to spend more time with my friend Shaun then with my mental boyfriend at the time. My panic attacks got better, I broke up with the guy I was with and now I've been with Shaun for ages and we are ready to get married! You need to get rid of whatever in your life that makes you so upset.
Thanks BSR, Deviate and sarahrei- Well here is my bad situation...i called the doctor for an ativan refill yesterday and he gave me ten 1's--- I have four left. (also yesterday my friend jess gave me 5 .5's, all of which I ate yesterday)..... I have no idea how many valiums I ate yesterday but I have 5 10 milligram valiums left. ---About two weeks ago I had 50 of them (note, i had not been taking an ativan until yesterday....well, maybe except one, while I was taking the valium) Anyways I have ordered 100 more valiums... I really need them to come before I run out. I can also probably get the doctor to give me some more ativan but sure as hell not today or tomorrow or anything since I called yesterday.... I'm hoping to make it to monday... ANYWAYS IN ALL SERIOUSNESS I am gonna stop taking them every time I feel SLIGHT anxiety- use them when needed...well, I'm gonna wean off... as it is I have about one pill per day to make it through til when I should get more....that is WAY less then I was taking before but well maybe I'll do one and a half for a couple days then one... who knows... I'll be okay... and I do know I need to ween off and stop taking them and I am going to do that.... Deviate... I know exactly what you mean about the ganja and initial panic but then you sorda see things and sort them out...yesterday after smoking at jess's I had this... not exactly panic (how could i on like 20 mills of valium?) but yeah.... anxiety and this weird feeling and I saw a lot about my life and i don't know... I really did figure a lot of things out which I have written down.... Anyways thank you guys for not judging me and stuff.... and I know what I have to do.
You sound like me swearing to give up smoking cigarettes as I'm buying a carton of duty-free Marlboros at the border.
No I do not know why I get panic attacks...well I know it is sometimes because of driving on highways or large crowds of annoying people.... Pavel, I already ordered those though and the thing is... I truly need them now to wean off... and I just hope that is what i do... use them to wean off and not be stupid with them... lol@red... i quit smoking over 9 weeks ago but i had one newport today. Okay guys.... I feel like crying...I had been up for 3.5 hours- drank 4 cups of coffee, ate no food and took no benzos....well, now im all showered and im eating a delicious lunch hoping it takes away the shakiness and the feeling that my head is gonna explode and the depressed feeling I have.... *stops typin n takes a bite of food* anyways I'm gonna TRY my best to make it another hour before taking anything and even then.... when I take a valium (mine are 10 mills as im sure ive said over n over).... I'm not even gonna take half (5), I'm gonna take about 3 milligrams and try not to take anymore til I can't take it any further..... I just dont feel good....
For me I was SUPER goth, (and more goth, I would have shit bats) I had a problem with everyone stairing at me. Which is funny cause I was trying to stand out but I didn't want people to look at me. Over time you'll figure out what it is I'm sure and You'll be fine. If you ever need to talk PM me <3
