my boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me

hi, i'm new here. i haven't peeked around to see if there are any posts similar to what i'm about to say. i really just need to let this all out because it's really tearing me up inside. =/

so, my boyfriend and i are both 25. we've been together for a year. we've never had sex on a regular basis, which is fine, but i've noticed that in the last few months i've had an increasing want for sex. he's my 2nd sexual partner. my first was back during my junior year of college, he wanted it all the time, or course i didn't. so now i feel like karma is out to get me.

we've had some heated fights over sex. i mean, i don't want it every minute of every day, but sometimes we go 2 weeks without it. i just want it a little more often, like every other day, or god forbid - twice a week. sometimes i will ask him what i can do to get him in the mood, he'll say, and when i try he shoots me down EVERY TIME. it's really starting to devestate me because he's the only one i want and he won't help me out.

he has told me that this has been an issue with him in the past, and because of this, many of his ex's have cheated on him.

i guess what really hurts me is that he leads me on. he whispers all these naughty things to me all the time. he's always feeling me up when no one is looking, but i feel like he's all talk and no action.

everytime i try to explain how i feel he tells me that he feels like i'm using him for sex, which is absurd since he never puts out! he thinks i make too big a deal of it but to me it is a big deal.

i think we're both very physically attracted to each other but for some reason he doesn't get the urge. i dunno what to do anymore. if i tell him i want more sex, he feels attacked, or like i'm trying to force him into it. shouldn't he want to have sex with me?

i don't know how to express to him that it's not just sex to me, it's something so much more.

 

Thats really tough =/
how long have you been going out? if its still new he may just not yet be comfortable with you. If its been going on for a year or so, then, sex may just not be in his cards, at which point it comes down to the type of relationship that you can handle. Can you handle being rejected that often? its not fair to make him increase his sex drive to meet your demands, its not fair either for him to dwindle your sex drive to meet his.

 

well, he did say he had this issue before, so it doesn't really seem like its about you.
maybe you can bribe him by saying you'll do the work, if yer ok with that.
tell him he just needs to lay down with a hard cock. so in the cowgirl position, you get the sex you want, and maybe after doing that a few times. he'll get into the motion of liking sex more often.

 

Something seems weird about this. Why would he whisper dirty things in your ear and then start a fight when you want to actually do dirty things?

Dangermoose, she mentioned that it's been a year for them. Eek.

I wonder if it's possible that you're actually dealing with that old cliche, the gay guy who's desperately trying to pretend he's not gay. Either that or he's got some kind of hangup - maybe he has problems getting it up, and he has a complex about it.

Either way, it's not fair to you - especially when he does things to lead you on and then won't follow through. And you've talked about it before - it sounds like you've really done your best to have honest conversations about it. You're right, he should want to have sex with you! That's one of the best things about, y'know, sexual relationships!

I hate to say it, honey, because you've been with him for so long and you obviously really care about him, but it kinda sounds to me like a Big Relationship Talk is in order. I mean, if you're willing to do anything he wants to get him in the mood and it's still not working...maybe you'd be better off as friends.

Sorry, I feel awful just saying that.

 

Does he have any problems in bed that he might be insecure about? Premature Ejaculation? Erectile Difficulties? etc...

 

so lastnight, after i finished writing this post, i stomped into bed pretty angry.

he was awake and asked me what was wrong. i clued him in, AGAIN! he was extremely EXTREMELY upset, and it ended up leading into the biggest argument we've ever had.

i asked him to tell me why, an actual answer, to why we don't have sex as often. because, when we do have sex, it's so hot! it's amazing! he even tells me that it always gets better.... which really confuses the crap out of me.

he said that he's too lazy and that it's like going to the gym and working out really hard, and he doesn't like to feel exhausted.

the last couple times we've had sex he has urged me to get on top, which i'm more than happy to do. i like being in control but he scares me alot. he doesn't seem to enjoy alot of the types of things that most guys do enjoy. he hates blow jobs, he will never perform oral sex because his last girlfriend smelled like a trash can between her legs, he doesn't like when i touch the head of his penis, and the list goes on and on. there are so many things that he doesn't like that i'm often too afraid to touch him.

he told me that he's beginning to get bored with our sex, even though i'm the one who is always trying to spice it up and he is always flaking out.

i asked him to be honest and let me know if he's attracted to me. he said yes and that he thought i was the most attractive woman he has been with.

so i'm very confused and frustrated. i actually screamed at him for the first time lastnight. hehe. i just don't know what to do.

 

Some people are just less sexual. You need to understand that this doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. Just as he needs to learn to understand some people are more sexual.

Yelling probably won't help as much as talking so try to avoid that. Explain to him that even if he doesn't feel that way you need sex in your relationship. Explain to him that accusing you of using him for sex is comparable to you claiming he's using you for emotion. Tell him he needs to learn to respect your needs, and such.

I'd suggest a relationship counselor if you guys can afford it. Maybe try writing into some sex/relationship columnists or web sites.

 

I am a very blunt person. DUMP him. I know it is my opinion, but I think everyone here needs to get the right person. Hell if he is lazy now, just wait. You need a partner that "does it for you" all of the time. Makes you laugh, horny, cry, love, and cum. Your young.

Ask yourself this...."IS THIS THE PERSON WHO I HAVE DREAMED OF SPENDING MY LIFE WITH?"

If no, then get out and get on the lookout for the one who is. DO NOT SETTLE!!!

Good luck and weare all rooting for you!

 

I hate to say it, but you should break up with him. Sex should never be seen as a workout, or a chore. If this is how he views it, it leads me to believe he has serious problems. I couldn't tell you what the problem is....

Maybe he's had enough girls cheat on him, he's afraid to get close with you? Sexual Anxiety? He's gay?

I don't know, doesn't sound like you do either. You should consider moving on....there are sooooo many guys out there who would love and absolutely appreciate a girlfriend who wanted sex a few times a week - no questions asked.

 

Agreed. I am currently watching a very good friend waste his time on a woman that he knows will never be it for the long term and all it is causing is problems cause he does not want to upset her and make her sad, but how do you feel. Honestly you really do need to make you come first or no one else will.

 

After reading the other posts, it seems to me that he's the wrong dude for you. he should want sex more than you do. He should be asking you for it. I bet it makes you feel inferior when he doesn't want you to touch him and when he makes sex seem like a chore. That's ridiculous! Every beautiful woman should be loved passionately and often!

He's probably a flamer who is afraid to tell anyone. Either that or he doesn't know that he's gay. The other thing is that he may be sexually insecure... Small pee pee, erectile problems, premature ejaculation, etc...

you deserve to be with someone who wants you to touch him a lot!

~Big A

 

i think he once mentioned that he stresses that sex isn't as good for me as him when we have it, but i think it's awesome. i've never been able to have an orgasm through intercourse and i wonder if that bothers him.

he's perfectly endowed, he lasts moderately long, as far as i know he doesn't have erectile disfunction, but i do think he has low self esteem.

i also know that he associates sex with being something dirty. i told him that to me it's more than just the physical. it so much more than just sex. but he doesn't seem to get that.

 

Sex Dirty? I hope so! LOL

I wish you were somewhere where we [wife and I] could sit you down and just chat and go over what it is that you might be missing. Really, wouldn't you love it to have a man that wants nothing more than to make love to you and ravage your body with no other intent but to pleasure the woman he loves?

That is what you need and should get. It wouldn't be too difficult to find I promise.

 

it's funny because i never really wanted to have sex with my ex bf.
i would come up with excuses so i could wiggle my way out of it.
he would get angry with me as well... like the way i'm angry.

i don't know why i suddenly have to have it. maybe because he's putting up a fight?
i want him all the time. this sucks!

 

Know I think it is your age now.....Primetime.

Either get rid of him or buy a vibrator and start using it in front of him to solve your problems and give him some of his own....or come stay with us!

 

Gosh, i dunno if i could leave him over sex.
I have never felt this way about anyone.

I know that our sex life pretty much sucks, but he does make me feel loved.
He is a very sweet and giving person.... just not sexually.

The sex we do have is amazing, and like i said before, it seems to get better each and every time. I just wish we could just do it more, alot more.

 

Ok. Here it is. Honey, if he hates blowjobs, you're not doing them right. Also consider that you might have to get tough with this guy. Take him in hand. Make him so horny but don't let him cum.

He just needs a bit of stimulation. Asking this understimulated man to stimulate you out of love or respect for your needs, is like someone pointing out he's grumpy when he's having a really bad day.

You may find this too much of a project. If so, I'm in the dump him column.

 

That must be really frustrating when he giving you mixed signals all the time. I think you need to sit him down and tell him if he doesnt give you an proper answer to why he never wants to do it that you'll be forced to end it, i think they might be something he needs to get off his chest, something hes not telling you!

 

i have sat him down and we've talked about this many many times.
from what i get from him, is that maybe i'm not doing enough to turn him on, mixed with a little bit of his own self esteem issues.

we haven't had sex in over a week.
i feel like it'll probably go a few more weeks before we do it again.
i'm not sure i'll even want to when the time comes. i feel like sex will hardly be enjoyable anymore because of all this negative emphasis we've put on it.

 

as a matter of fact... i've been very uniterested in sex these past few days.
and i think i will refrain from having any sexual contact with him until he figures out what is going on with HIM. i don't want to have sex with someone who picks out everything that's not happening, or everything that could be better.

i thought we had amazing sex, but apparently it's not amazing enough for him to want it. so, rather than frustrate myself over this any longer, like i said earlier, i'm just not going to do it.

right now i'd rather masterbate the rest of my life than have sex with him!