Wind is hard on trees Like gymnasts they bend down The world Id like to seize The sun drills between the leaves A necklace forms in clouds You cannot hold the breeze A storm builds and flees Like a bully it backs down The world Id like to seize Why does a summer day please Bright coin in the slot of time You cannot hold the breeze These days of baffled birds and bees In just the frenzy of the dance The world Id like to seize The sun isn’t fair As the wind goes nowhere The world Id like to seize You cannot hold the breeze Hopefully you're not now saying-thank God that's his only attempt!!
The rhyming seems forced. Since you're shooting for villanelle, I can't advise you to drop it, but maybe work to improve the rhyming a bit.
Well, I do love language and the elegant manipulation of it. And while you've made a game stab at it, I think in their strict classical forms, things like villanelles and sonnets, etc., are so difficult to do well that I wonder if they're worth the effort. That's unless of course your last name happens to be Shakespeare or Keats or some such. I remember being in a class years ago where the prof wanted us to write a poem where the first letter of each line spelled out some phrase. I forget the poetic term for that, but I thought at the time that it was a rather silly exercise. Not one reader in a hundred would get it without being prompted, and I didn't see how it contributed to the message anyway. Same with villanelles, as far as I'm concerned. Just my opinion. I like most of your work, chief. Just not this one, particularly
Actually I have had pretty good luck with the sonnet form-but villanelle is something you would have to practice for years to be able to weave meaning into its awkward yet very musical form. spanish would be a better language for it...
I think you're referring to acrostic poetry. I've read some good ones, and written a couple. They take a lot of time to get right.
me no speaky ...but I have read the originals with translation and you can see how much more musical they are
