my world has come crashing down

i know i'm always bitching about my mother...but tonight was the worst night i've had in awhile.


to make a really long and painful story short, my mom told me flat out that im a big reason why she tried to kill herself both times, and she cant handle having me around. she wants me out.

i just dont understand...i love her more than anyone in the world. i try to make her life easier. i always make sure to tell her how wonderful she is when shes doubting herself, and comfort her when shes hurting. i try to make her happy, and live up to her expectations. but she still thinks i'm a fuck up. she said she should have thought twice about even giving birth to me.

so i'm going to be staying with my grandma for awhile...probably the next week or so. i cant go back to living with my dad, and my mom doesnt want me. i may end up living with my grandma...i'm running out of options.

i'm just hurting so bad...i dont know what to do. i'm sorry for bitching and complaining so much, i know you guys must be tired of it.

 

we only fall so we can pick ourselves back up again...

 

i dont even know why i posted this.

gah...i wish i had good things to say once in awhile.

 

I know it's hard but you have to let the things your mom says to you fly over your head. As a kid, I was told that I was the reason why my mom had to suffer through 16 years of poxy marriage and that she wished I'd never been born. People say really terrible things all the time and you need to thicken up your skin unless you want to end up hating yourself.
Moving to your grandpa's sounds like exactly what you need at the moment and try to remember that just because your mom says something, it doesn't neccesarily mean that it's true.

 

I'm really sorry to hear that youre going through that. Point blank it sounds like your mom is going through some shit right now. Try not to let her blaming of her problems on you affect how you feel about yourself or life in any way. I know its hard to be dealing with that, you sound strong though. And even though shes saying hurtful things just remember that shes your only mom, and shes going to have enough guilt and regret to deal with herself later on.

Vent about it all you want, we don't mind. Anyone that does isn't worth the concern. I can relate.. I got kicked out at 15.

 

i guess i am too sensitive. you're right. i mean, i couldn't care less what most people say about me if its bad, but i just love my mom so much...it kills me to know thats how she really feels about me. ive never really loved my dad, so my mom has pretty much always been my sole parent in an emotional sense.

its just so hard not to care. but i agree, wallowing in self pity isnt going to help me. im getting to the point where i need to break away from my parents anyhow...i suppose i should just consider this a firm push out the door. literally and figuratively.

 

it's said so much that it sounds cliche, but listen to this man

the things we can be most proud of and identify ourselves positively with most are the things we overcome.

 

Well. I moved out at 16. I had to. It wasn't always easy but I made it through it. Getting a place of your own sounds like it could be what you need. I wasn't suggesting that you are easily hurt, I just meant that it does happen and parents however fucked up they may seem, don't usually want to hurt their kids.

But hey, advice is like anal sex, easier to give than to take.

 

i'm really not strong at all...i'm pretty fucking weak when it comes to things like this. its been going on for years at some level or another...you'd think i'd be used to it by now.

but thank you for the kind words, they really do help. :hug:

 

Yeah thats the truth for sure. Adversity builds character. Compassion, empathy. Sometimes in life the only thing I could do was say to myself a couple other cliche phrases:

This too shall pass, and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

 

Its not okay to live in that environment. This isnt really about you, regardless what your mother says, its about her stuff. And you cant help her right now, its gonna run deeper than that. I think staying with your grandma is the best thing to do right now.

 

well, i'm really not world-wise or financially secure enough to be living on my own just yet, as nice as that would be.

and i'm really sorry about all the shit you've had to deal with, thats really horrible. :hug:

 

yeah, i think so too. i'm just glad i have somewhere to go when shit like this happens. i'm really lucky in that regard.

 

Don't worry about me babes. I felt sorry enough for myself for years but I now realise that all of that crap just served to make me who I am. And I'm reasonably happy about that.
You hit your olds place for a while but really if you can, try not to forget about school. I know that's probably the furthest thing from your mind right now but finishing your schooling will help you when you do want to go it on your own...

 

Youre welcome, Im glad I could help. :hug:

But pfffftt, thats bullshit. Realize your strength. Your posts are rational and gracious. Too bad you cant see me back then. I was angry, irrational, and fuckin just pissed at the world.

 

thank you! i think thats the nicest thing i've heard all day.

 

agreed in full. a lot of us have been saying you need to get the fuck out of tha thouse. hey, its an opportunity to do just that! plus you get away from a toxic woman who cannot seem to take control of her own problems - maybe giving her some space will let her start on that. i moved out when i was 17 (admittedly voluntarily but whatever) and worked p/t to pay for my share of rent while doing university and was able to do it. if you gmom is closer to a business centre too, it might be easier to get that part time job you were craving earlier

 

i'm here at the hipforums not that often
so dont know the full story about you and your mom
i just dont understand... what do ya do for her to think and say those things about you?
why does she hate ya that way?

you really seem to be a wonderful person...
i'm sure ya do not deserve it

 

thats a really good point. she lives about 5 mins from the downtown area so that would be perfect.

but yeah...i should have taken you guys' advice sooner. i just waited for things to get worse, which was stupid of me.