Need a friend tonight

Hey guys, I'm not feeling too good tonight. I just poured a strong drink, and my parent's went out to pick up chinese food, but I'm just feeling so shitty. I talked to steve earlier, and he's having this guy take him out to go shopping for "pillow cases, sheets, etc." I was like what the hell for, you don't need them, you have some, plus I'm giving you a ton of shit that I have tomorrow. Since I'm bringing her over there tomorrow. And then he tells me that him and shelia (this older woman that he works for) are going to hang out later. So that's her, him and shelias roommate(the guy bringing him to the store). It just isn't sitting very well with me, and I can't help feeling the way that I feel. I guess it could be jealousy, but it's more than that since I don't know what these people are going to be doing.. And I have to drop jade over there tomorrow. I'm just a little concerned too.

So I don't know what to do besides drink and I'll be smoking a little tonight before I go to bed. But should I not be having these feelings? I know that I can't control him, and he can do what he wants.. It's just weird.. And it's making me really depressed. I'm sitting here in my pajamas (from last night) and he's going out with these people who all of a sudden want to be his best friend?!

Also I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet as far as custody goes. Obviously (given his alcholic and drug addictions) my family is pushing for me to go for full custody, and I want that now.. Stronger than I did before. I know no judge will grant him any kind of custody but supervised. But I'm also afraid that I'll have to be drug tested... and I'll be positive for mj. So what should I do?

Talk to me, and be nice to me cause I feel like shit.

And if you don't care, or do not know the situation than please don't bother cause I don't feel like elaborating much more than I already have. I need a distraction.

 

Whenever im sad, i always think of everything positive in my life. I think of how many people have it SO much worse then me, such as little African kids digging through heaps of trash for their next meal. Or homeless people living out of boxes that are greatfull when they find a soda can on the ground. Thinking of such things makes my stomach hurt that i would even THINK of being depressed, for any reason.

Keep your head up and let the chips fall where they may. Until then, just keep doing what you know is right and your life will come together.

 

Sounds like you haven't completely let go. On one hand you have every right to be concerned with the environment you'll be leaving Jade in but as you and he are no longer "an item" you are probably better off not knowing what he does in his spare time as well as who he does it with. You may need to examine whether you see yourself seeking reconciliation in the future. Jade will always link you to the ex... for her sake you're better off maintaining peace with him whatever he does.

 

listen to smokindude i know hes had some rough times, and thats some solid advice

 

Well I'm not that nice of a person where that stuff would make me feel physically sick lol. But thanks for the helpful advice.

 

You're probably right. I haven't really let go yet.. And I probably would be better off not knowing what he's doing.. yet I can't help but need/want to know.

I know that trying to maintain a civil, friendly relationship with him is best, but if I'm going to have to fight him for custody he's going to hate me. Will you be around later tonight to talk on aim again?

 

I'm doing some chores but I can sign on later if you like.

 

Aww, im sorry. Im not surprissed your feeling that way. You had a long relationship with him. Chances are hes just getting together with her to get a rise out of you.

 

This post isn't meant to bitch about my problems but to let you know what i've overcome so you will have the strength to do so too...

Growing up my parents have always loved me, but drugs ruled their life. My parents(during my childhood) were frequent heroin users, coke users, crack smokers, and loved pills like xanax, klonapin, valium..etc. I remember the days i first found burnt spoons under there mattresses, crack pipes under beds, fucking SHOELACES to tie around there arm to shoot up, syringes, and all that shit. I remember being 9 and wondering why my dad was passed out on the ground with my mom over him slapping him around trying to get him to wake up. I could go on FOREVER with memories similar to that, but ill spare the readers.I could also go on forever with FUCKED stories about my dad and his xanax, putting me and my defenseless brother(us being young) in danger because he took so much xanax and thought he could drive a car. We got into about 4 accidents, luckily none life threatening.

Anyways, thats just drug related shit i had to go through.

This past june, i was smoking weed in my room when my brother came in and told me "David(me), im the most fucked up i ever been. I took 5 methadones and about 7 xanax. I just want to let you know if anything happens to me i want you to tell our parents and our sister that i love them with all my heart, and ill see them in the afterlife" He then left my room and said in a playful voice "PEACE BRO" and closed my door and went off to his room to sleep. I thought nothing of this because hes told me this before and has taken more methadone and xanax at once and was fine.

He died that night, age 19. He was my BEST friend, my mentor, and who i looked up to and asked advice during the hard times we went through dealing with our drug addicted parents. He was the only one i had in life. I was the only one who understood him, and he was the only one who understood me, and thats a part of the reason we bonded together and never looked back on life. He was my everything, my reason for living. What kills me is that IM THE ONE who supplied the methadone. I found my moms script by picking the lock to her lockbox, and gave my brother the bottle to have fun with. I did this when she was out till 3am on a coke binge. My bro got the xanax from our dad that passed out from them cause he took to many.

Ever since the day he died, my parents quit EVERY drug. They realized what fucking with drugs costs them, a son they loved. My mom has been able to maintain her sobriety, but this past week my dad slipped up the very first time and is getting kicked out of the house because he got his xanax, spent a ton of money on stupid shit, and forgot about my sisters birthday that was yesterday(jan.31st). Hes falling back into the lifestyle and my mom will NOT let him live the life my siblings had to watch growing up.
I have Hep C, my mom has Hep C, and my dad HAD Hep C until he was cured by "Interferon" or something like that. My mom has the beginning stages of "emphysema"(smoker for 30 years), and she has "Merca Staff Infection". I love her with ALL my heart and she is EVERYTHING to me, like my brother was before he died. I cant stand the fact shes dieing, it KILLS me. I feel like crying everytime i think about it.


SO, the point is...with all this shit in my face, i keep on chugging. I think positive and realize how great my life really is instead of thinking about the negative. No matter what we go through, life keeps on going. So why waste any time being depressed at these obstacles that are unpreventable?

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE ANYTHING BUT HAPPY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE. DON'T LET ANYTHING EFFECT YOU TO THE POINT YOU CANT LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST AND DO WHAT MAKES YOU TRULY HAPPY.

Life is a dream that YOU control. Your the only one that lets yourself become a victim to sadness.

 

wow, you are a true inspiration. I wish I had your courage to go through some of those things, if anything like that happend to me I would become totally paralyzed with sadness. you seem to me like a genuine good person. you will continue to be an inspiration and good luck throughout all of your life.

edit: don't worry about the MRSA I had it too and actually am still recovering... sores all over my side. my doctor said it is not as serious as the news makes it out to be, just keep your head up.

 

Wow, I am truly sorry to hear about your brother, and everything really. I definitely have never gone through anything like that, and am really glad you came through okay. You are obviously an extremely strong person, and I really respect you.
I only meant that thinking about the impoverished, and homeless is what wouldn't make me feel better. Not your situation. Maybe you've put me in an even sadder mood! I know those weren't your intentions though.

I just can't help feeling so alone knowing that he's out there doing god knows what. Maybe fucking another woman? Maybe getting drunk and doing coke, and taking my child tomorrow? You know what I mean? He's still not home, and he won't answer his cell phone and I feel so upset. I just don't know what to do.. I just packed a big fat bong bowl and can't wait to smoke it. That is probably my ownly saving grace right now.

Thanks for your advice, and your support. And again I'm truly sorry for what happened to your brother and your family. That really makes me sad.

 

The maybes and what if's and unsure feelings your having are endless, and that's such a terrifying feeling. These are infinite fears, but they are unfounded. You need to focus on the now, the improvements made. You and your daughter are in a much better place then you were previously, you know what's best for her and yourself. Your ex is probably feeling very confused and upset, but you can't let hurting him prevent you from being happy. You CANNOT sacrifice your own happiness to prevent hurting him. If you had stayed, from what I have read about your situation, I don't think things would have gotten better. I think you did what you think is best for you and Jade, don't second guess yourself because you are afraid, or jealous, or anything.

Things WILL get better, you WILL feel better. It just takes time and patience. You are a lot stronger then you think.

 

what you need to do is go out and find some friends to hang out with yourself to keep your mind busy so youre not thinking about him.after my break up i started to hang around all my friends again and was pretty much over it in 2 weeks.

 

thanks so much stella. I needed to hear that. I know that I need to just forget about all of this for tonight and focus on myself and jade.. It's just hard cause I've been in this pattern for 3 years of my life you know? I was very dependant on him, and he knew it. I just feel like i need the reasurrence of talking to him and knowing that he's still miserable. Is that selfish you think? Im not ready for him to be happy. I'm not ready for him to go out and have fun. Just like im not ready for that for myself. I hate these shitty feelings. It would have been SO much easier if there wasn't a kid involved. I would have been able to make a clean break and forget about him much more easily.

thanks for your kind words though

 

oh and im on AIM now.im stoned stupid so im probably not too talkitive but ill chat with ya about something if you like.

 

im about to get stoned stupid too, but my aim doesn't work!!!! i tried using aim express but it won't load cause it says my pop up blocker is on but its off. that sucks.. do you have yahoo messenger? i have that too

 

I'm almost positive that if he is telling you "Oh, I'm hanging out with so and so" he is just trying to make you upset, because he knows that you don't want to see him happy. In all reality, he's probably miserable and just putting up this front. That's what guys do. It's not selfish to want him to feel upset. You just want reassurance that the end of your relationship as it was had some effect on him, that he misses you and your daughter. And OF COURSE he feels like that.

It's really really hard when you are so dependent on someone else to accept that things are changing. This is a time in your life that you NEED to be selfish, for yourself and your daughter. Anytime anything happens, as women, we immediately think, "God, I must be hurting so and so, why am I doing this?", you need to put others feelings aside and just focus on yourself.

I really wish you the best of luck, but I can assure you with every ounce of my body that although things seem dismal right now, it will get better.

 

nope dont have yahoo messenger.

 

clean your system out. get full custody of your child. do whats best for her in your mind. if it pisses him off then he'll learn to deal with it.there always be time to make things right with him. my moms and her ex are proof of that. thats all i really have to say cuz i dont know the whole story.

 

sounds like you got yourself a drinkin problem, seems like every thread you make always mentions you drinking.