i would appreciate some crit for my attempt please... ? objective subject like holding breath time stands still matrix womb to float disembodied dis-memb-orga-tron lidless sightless clarity understanding peace again light, like holding breath i like holding breath
Honestly, upon a first read, I didn't have a clue what the poem was about as a whole. To me it seems like the words are disconnected from each other and as a reader I don't get a sense of purpose. What is this matrix womb? What's dis-mem-orga-tron? The first instance of clarity for me came with "understanding peace", there is something here, I can hook onto that. So understanding peace is like holding breath (why is "light" there?)...but what is this understanding of peace? I get that this relies on abstraction, but it's also easy to fall back on that without pushing yourself. There's potential, but I think it needs something more - a clarity perhaps Btw, the questions I pose here are rhetorical, and more for you to think about rather than to answer for my sake.
Yeah I'm kinda lost on matrix womb and dis-memb-orga-tron also. Good meter and you use silence to convey some meaning.
Hi Lill! I like this part: "To Float" In fact, I love it! Also, I thought I'd add that I like this poem much better than I like 'Young Pussy' by RambleOn. LOL Except for the dismemborgamatron bit, that's just plain sick! Arf
