Oh, yeah I remember now. My life is all bullshit!

Trip report, 4 hits. My friend did three, we alternated.
I did not do 4 in one shot, mind you, extracts are strictly one hit for me.

First hit, small pinch of 10x - My body felt like it was being torn from me, towards the back and right, repeatedly, as if I was being reset and pulled apart from myself over and over. Talking to my friend kept me "there."
Was definitely a half in, half out. Basically I was trying to keep it light on the first hit because I didn't know how deep I wanted to go with someone watching. Not like I really have much say in that.
Waited until the effect was gone completely.

Second hit, small hit of 10x again. Holy sh!t.
This was the experience of the night. I felt it coming on, and told him it was going to be a big one.

"Oh yeah, now I remember, everything is fake."
I thought something along these lines to myself, as I "remembered" that my life was all fake. I was suddenly thrust into a visual collage and of architecture that resembled every house I lived in or regularly visitted from childhood to present day.
I was not me, people weren't there.
I could not recall the "rules" of life.
I did not know I was a person or any such thing.
It felt like losing it all to death, in a way, all the while a sinister echoing sound repeated (this I figured out was my heart later on, my friend heard his heart beating inside, too).
Very alone, everything about the people I know, and my place in the world was gone.

"Joe, you ok?"

Ah. Yeah I am on a 'trip'.
Whew. I also feel stupid because the little part of me attached to this life recalls I let myself fall off the chair onto the floor, on my side, just so I wouldn't really fall, so now I lie helpless on the floor trying to make sense of it Pride had me trying to come out of it, but if anything that just forced me back in. Sofa next time.

This interruption and re-submerging into nothingland repeated 2 or 3 times.
Finally I'm trying to remember because I have some sense of identity and know there's somewhere I belong.
Who are the people I know? What do I live in?
What the hell is what?

Now I'm at the stage where normal life visual cues are being noticed. I brought the seat cushion down with me from the chair. That's .. something.
The floor was my wall... and back into the mishmosh of reality.

A couple minutes later, I note the table, chairs, floor, but my orientation was 90 degrees off. Sheer willpower let my force myself back upright onto the chair. Ah. Yeah, now I'm back.

I was told that was a five or so minute affair. Wow. 5 minutes is more than enough. Scary, and awesome.

After that second hit I'd felt calm and "stoned."

Hits 3 and 4 very very tiny pinches of 10x and had me only feeling the stoned feeling, not much more. I had the sensation my feet were on a bed of air, the oddity of spacial and time distortion, but nothing like the second one. Apparently you can build up on the resident effects of the coming-down part. So I stayed in that relaxed, half-stoned feeling state.

The 2nd one was the trip of significance. The half-wicked echoing metronome sound of my heartbeat implied life and time passing.
The realization of "oh yeah, your life was fake" followed by an architectural conglomeration of every home I had without a personality present appears to mirror how my life panned out.
My childhood was interrupted by moving, and I was never interested in my gf and her family meeting my mom/family, so I basically have a fragmented life that I always felt never came together like it should.
And that "life is bullshit and fake" feeling void of all humanity (even my own) really does mirror what lies in the back of my mind.

I feel like salvia put my subconscious both in the driver's seat, and on visual display for me. I'm grateful. I realize now how much the half-assed life I live and lifestyle has been affecting me. Guess I should take measures to change it

edit: btw that was last night, I slept great and feel great today. Plus, I feel as if I had a successful therapy session, and I never imagined I needed therapy.

 

Well don't think you are alone in having a life that never 'came together'. Many people, if not everyone feel exactly the same but are too prideful to speak about it. Congrats on being humble! Everyone has issues with their lives and thats a fact. I find that the only people I can be friends with nowadays are the ones who are open about it and are humble enough to ask a friend for help. The people who really have a life of bullshit are the ones who are so caught up in themselves and so scared of rejection that they won't admit that they have a problem. These same people won't do something if they won't look good doing it, and you know exactly who I'm talking about.

My suggestion to you is to find why your life isn't right, and make it goal #1 to fix it. Otherwise, how can you be truely happy? Find friends who are willing to talk with you about the issue, help you out with it, and won't think less of you because of it. My problem is that I'm stuck in high school, but every person except a select few are so prideful that they have judged me on mistakes I have made, so now I am excluded and looked at as insane by everyone there. This is fine by me, because I wouldn't want to associate with those who think like that anyway.

I hope I helped!

 

The salvia trip bitchslapped me into submission, basically, made it all too clear what was lacking. Even if in a very scary and riddling way.
Which is awesome, btw.

http://erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=63461

The first paragraph after "Experience" describes it very well.

 

You can only say you lived a half assed life whern your dead. Your still here brother you stillhave time to make the most of whats out there. Salvia is a gift from mother earth who is our true mother who bore us all. Now that you are opening your eyes make the change that will allow you to take you where you need to be. Welcome to the collective of the knowing. Many journey's lie ahead of you.
Ki