Please psychoanalyze me (if you have the patience)

After years of inquiry into my twisted noodle, it's pretty clear my procrastination habits have to do with a sef-flagellation (which I identify with my overbearing mother/superego) and reward/failure cycle (father/id).

Now the remaining peace of the puzzle is my relationship patterns. I want a neat diagram like the above.

So help me if you can.

I have a fear of rejection/exposure, a fear of my personal space being invaded, and then a HORRIBLE fear of invading other people's personal space...which makes me pre-empt and then lots of people think I'm aloof.

What's the cycle here?

 

habit. pure simple habit. rather like learning to not chew your nails, learn to break out of your self-imposed habits through basic physical acts and behaviors. don't think so much, just next time you feel like falling into an old habitual act, do the exact opposite. then do it again and again. good luck.

 

You project your fear of personal space onto others as an easy out. "They probably didn't want to be bothered anyway". It makes for easy justification. Which obviously is a need due to your fear of rejection since it makes sense that you can't get rejected by a person who obviously didn't want to be bothered.

The cycle is your copping out. It only takes around 100x of being told, "no", before you realize it doesn't hurt or cause the apocolypse. I used to have a strong fear of rejection. Outbound telemarketing took care of that REAL fast. It's hard to tell yourself now that this is true. Only through the pain of the first few can you bring yourself to be accustomed to the fact that rejection will not kill you or cause you much physical discomfort.

Unless of course you turn into a complete emotional wreck and have bowel problems or something.

 

I wanna find out how my fear of rejection/abandonment ties in with my fear that my personal space might be invaded/exposing myself.


Sorry if I'm parading my weaknesses a bit much on here.

 

Thanks man. You've got some interesting insight. I'll have to think a little before I respond.

Yeah. The basic elements are fear of rejection and fear of my personal space, which is really fear of exposing myself. Which goes back to fear of rejection in case I expose myself.

 

your independant and superior in your own opinion.

im kinda the same way.

 

i used to be impossibly shy. i deliberately set about finding ways to let it all go, to emotionally expose myself and lay it out there. it's still occaisionally difficult, but worth the effort. no people know way more about me than they ever wanted to know, and i just don't care. i don't have to hide anything anymore. though a desier for personal space is a very basic human desire and not something to feel bad about. but eventually you'll start letting people get into that personal space on occaision, and it'll be all the warmer and happier for it.

 

Personal space is a very basic need is right.

But I just realized here, with you guys, that I use my personal space to avoid rejection.

What's funny is: most people tell me I don't come across as shy at all. Just aloof and stand-offish.

In reality I long to be around people, and run away from it. Good, now I know the why and wherefores...everything!

Gonna go out there attack some ladies! (with KC's permission)

 

Exactly. The fear of exposure is directly related to your fear of rejection. Just like it's hard to be rejected by somebody you aren't going to approach, you aren't going to be rejected by people you avoid contact with.

The basis of my fear of rejection was embarassment. Start trying to get numbers from strangers. If they say 'no' you'll never have to see them again and it's easier to deal with the embarassment of being rejected. Plus you'll get a few yes answers as well. You'll learn to count on the law of averages. My motto for years when it comes to putting myself out there is as such: Ask ten dime pieces walking down the SAME street to go home with you. You'll get nine slaps and a screw.

Just like everything in life, the hardest part is getting started.

 

You're right.

Though my fear of rejection extends beyond chicks and into platonic relationships with males, families, female friends, etc.

I'm talking more about intimacy and less about picking up chicks, though the latter as well.

See, what I do is, I pass up on girls I'm really into in favor of bimbos. I chicken out, go back to the bar, drink vodka, and end up screwing some chick I'm totally a strangers with the next morning.

That's more my concern than having sex with hot chicks...though that too! lol

 

haha. I know that wasn't your primary concern, but it's the best place to start. once you get used to hearing 'no', it wont matter who you hear it from. But strangers are the best place to start because you don't have to face them again to be embarassed or remember that embarassment you felt initially. Rejection is rejection is rejection, 99.9% of the time. There are instance where it hits you pretty hard, but generally that's a major desire and you know the consequences going in.

Try the complete random stranger thing for a while and then move up to people you've briefly communicated with for the night etc. Don't go for ones who might say yes. Approach the strangers that you really feel will will reject as you walk down a street or through a building. When they say 'no', say 'ok' and walk off.

 

are you addicted to psychological substances or bad habits (gambeling...etc). Do you smoke cigarettes? Are you in good physical health? Have you had your thyroid or iron levels checked recently? Do you get enough sunshine?
Without the above I would say you are DSM IV 300.00 (undiagnosed anxiety disorder) and that you have a fear of success (not failure-which is what most people assume their fear stems from).
It may also be possible that you are DSM IV 309.21 (?-I will look it up), which is fear from seperating from a major parental figure. This often happens in individuals with overbearing parents.
It may possibley be agoraphobia as well (i do not know the disagnoses code yet as I haven't had a patient without a clean rexisting fear, but can look it up if you want). You may actually fear being fearful.
But like I said...it is hard to know without knowing more about you or knowing you in person.
Also, do you tend to go for older women? If so I would think that is another indicatior you are DSM IV 309.21. If youa re homosexual this may also be true.
HUGS

NM-after reading everything I def think you have anxiety disorder IV 309.21-anxiety caused from detachment of a major attachment figure (usually one's mother). Most people don't realize that this is what it stems from. If you put yourself in situations where you are dating older women, who you know will eventually leave (or you behave intentionaly, but through the subconcious in a way that will drive them off (thus repeating the loss you feel from whatever happened from a previous relationship (maybe mother?) then you are reinforcing your anxiety over and over again.

 

i also use my personal space to thwart rejection...it sucks man and is so hard to get over.

 

hehe

I've been diagonosed with a bunch of that stuff. But I don't think that's the point right now. I have an analyst, and have been off anti-depressants and anxiolitics for a year.

So, my analyst and I think it's time to go beyond chemical imbalance rationales for my problems, and into psychological patterns.

I have a tendency toward alcoholism, I am a smoker (though I quit for 3 weeks last month after a decade), and I have a tendency toward gaming addiction (even beyond gambling).

I do have an Oedipal complex, etc.

Fear of success might be involved in that I may subconsciously associate being loved by my mother with being a failure.

That being said, I have a relatively normal life at this point --- work, relationships, etc. I'm always trying to fine-tune my problems at work and relationships.

But I've been through some rough spots in life: alcoholism, suicidal tendencies, etc. It's been a year since.

HUGS BACK

 

Done some of it. Will try again!

 

Tough isn't it? Like a plunge in the dark...but what's tough is also what's easiest.

 

I'm still just an intern...I have another 1000 hours before I get my liscense so I am a newbie

I am royally fucked up...as I am finding everyone at my work is....I think that is why we go intot his field...

 

I analyze myself to the point of paralyzation at times....I think I need cognitive therapy to get over my addiction to therapy adn self-diagnostic habits hah

 

Anybody with a fear of rejection just needs to be an outbound telemarketer for 6-12 months. Swear to god it'll cure you..... IF you can hang.

 

Don't hesitate, participate!

Shit can get cerebral. And you don't want cerebral! Or sentimental.