Question for Married Women

So, my wife has virtually no sex drive. We were talking about it the other night and she said, "You find me 5 women in their 30's with multiple kids who actually like having sex." So, my question is, who out there likes having sex still once they have been married for a while and have kids. (I realize this is a sexual forum but still) Keep in mind, I am not asking for daily sex, I would be OK with once a week. Lately I have been lucky to get it once a month. I am37 and she is 36 next month. She has had no drive for at least 10 years though.

 

For ten years?!?! Since she was 26?

She's wrong in saying that no woman would have a sex-drive if in her position. And even if that is the case, it shouldn't matter. If you're still interested in sex, I would hope that she would want to help you fix that. Is there any other reason besides her not having a sex drive? Is there anything else going on?

 

I'm not a married woman in her thirties, but she must have some sex drive, after all, you have kids.

Example- Say your kid is 7. What were you doing 7 years ago that got you laid? Are you doing anything differently now? Did you only have sex with the intention of having children?

It could be sheer bordom. You said that she's had no sex drive for 10 years, that's a long time to be fucking the same person. Things could easily get boring after a year or two. Get her to open up, ask her what she would like, see where it goes from there.

 

It could be longer than 10 years, that was just an estimate. We have been together for almost 17 years and have been having sex since 3 weeks into the relationship so I know that is part of it.

As far as having sex because we have kids. Yes, she gets very interested once we determine it's time for another one. But, we have the luck of getting pregnant just about the 1st month we try every time with the exception of the last one, which took 2 months. (She is pregnant now with #4) Once she found out she was pregnant it went back to a month without anything. Not just sex, I mean NOTHING. She doesn't touch or even look at my penis (sorry if it is too much info). For baby number 3, it was literally one time. We decided in September right when she was ovulating. One time having sex in September and bam, baby born in June.

As far as other stuff going on. She does have depression, so I know that is part of it as well. She has a counselor, and we have had a couple meetings together with him. In one meeting she said she feels pressure to have sex so the solution was for me not to ask at all and let her initiate. She said if she felt less pressure she might be more inclined to iniate and enjoy it. 59 days later she finally felt bad enough for me she gave me pity sex. (I know it is 59 days because I keep data for myself to know if I am bugging her about it or not so when she accuses me of asking too much or crap like that I will know)

Basically, all I have heard all the excuses over the years. I have done everything she asked of me everytime I got an excuse. Nothing changed. If you take sex out of the equation, we have a great marriage.

We are very open so I know she isn't hiding anything. She apologizes all the time and says she wishes it was different. When he is not in the mood and gives me pity sex she just lays there, doesn't even hug me. she thinks my needs are being wet because I am having "sex" but I want there to be some feeling behind it or I might as well just take care of myself if that is the case.

One time this last summer she told me sex is just a bonus in a marriage, if it happens it is great but it is not important.

Any ideas or suggestions (other than leaving her because I wouldn't even think of that until the kids are older) would be greatly appreciated.

 

Well depression definitely plays a large part in it I would say. Achieving an erection, let alone an orgasm while suffering from depression is near impossible, the sex drive shuts down.

Though you said it's been a decade. It could have something to do with being together 17 years as you said. That is a long time to be with someone. This would explain why your marriage is so great but your sex life isn't. After that much time you'd have a very strong bond, but sex can get boring I'm sure.

I'd get her to work on her depression. That seems like it would be a big part of it. Having a baby, kids to take care of, a husband to please, that's a lot on one plate. Sex can easily be seen as less important than those other things. Having your wife depressed with a newborn baby and one more mouth to feed wouldn't be ideal.

I'd get her to work on herself, I mean what it is that's causing her depression, and maybe just not expect sex from her for awhile. Get positive and interested in other things that you can do with her, or even alone. Help get her interested in things that she enjoys. Maybe she could use a break from the family for a nice weekend somewhere.

But really, without knowing what is causing her depression, it would be hard to say what could help her get in the mood and enjoy a good sex life with you. The mind controls the body, so that's what seems the most important in my opinion.

 

I really don't expect anything from her anymore. We may have had a conversation about the topic but I really don't expect anything.

As far as the depression, I have it as well. I am not sure there is a cause to it. I think it is just something you have. There may be some triggers that cause it but I think you are just born with it. The first time I ever thought of killing myself I was 10. I don't think anything had caused it back then, it will just part of me.

Thanks for the feedback though. I think it helps to hear from outsiders sometimes.

I am still interested in hearing what others have to say.

 

Well - sounds like your options are divorce or just being miserable indefinitely.

Probably should involve a counselor or something.

 

Spice things up, and try something different romantically.

 

I have been with my husband for 19 years. I am mid 30's with lots of kids. My sex drive has been up and down over the years, but I'm pretty sexual/orgasmic, overall, compared to a lot of my friends. So to answer you...yes I am in that situation, and want tons, tons!!!! of sex, right now. But, I have friends in the same situation who tell my husband all the time how much he should be so thankful for me, since they are so NOT into sex right now.

I was non-responsive sexually for a while in our marriage, and my husband thank goodness, just asked nicely for it. Sometimes he got it, sometimes not. Sometimes with a good attitued, sometimes not.

I do think your situation is pretty normal, though the time length is pretty long. Her attitude is not abnormal either from my experience, as well as talking with LOTS of women in the same situation.

Masterbating sounds like a good idea now and then!

 

Oh, she has a sex drive, just doesnt work with you.


And they'll tell other wives a whole bunch of bullshit so the other wives dont get catty with her around their husbands


Its mainly about the kids, if one of them looks like you, especially a son, that has your eyes, then you're fucked. Especially if you try face to face.

Which is something she's never really going to say to you so counselling is useless

 

You could try a sex counselor.

 

They seem fun at Brazzers.

 

I try. We don't even go on dates so there isn't much chance to do this. I filled her up a bath (which she loves), turned off the lights and had candles all around the tub. She liked it but I can't do stuff like that everyday because the kids just don't allow stuff like that, they require too much time and attention to pull it off.

I offer her massages and back rubs daily to try and relax her and show I care about her.

Can't do all that much sexually. My oldest is almost 7 and she is a terrible sleeper. She comes downstairs all the time and you can't always hear her coming. On Christmas night she walked in on us having sex (first time this happened) and it was in our bedroom. Thankfully we were under the covers. But, to do it outside the bedroom, out in the open somewhere, is risking getting caught by her.

We talked about doing it in the backyard, in a tent (we were going to set it up for the kids to play in), but it is winter and there is 3' of snow out there.

I am open to ideas. I will suggest anything.

 

Do you happen to live in Massachusetts? Just kidding of course. Masturbating is my only option, which isn't always bad. It's fun sometimes. Other times it is very frustrating to be my only option.

 

I do have a son who looks like me. He is 19 months old so that doesn't explain her lack of affection the previous 10+ years.

 

She suggested that but I wouldn't even know to how go about finding one. I have looked but I don't find much listed under sex therapists.

 

How about stop sucking up to your wife and only do things for her if she'll reciprocate? Can't you lock the door when you're having sex?

I don't know what else to tell you.

 

Well, I really suggest it just because you might be able to find someone more likely to address your needs. Also, lack of desire is one of the most common reasons for sex therapy, so they really should have an understanding of the problem, and possible remedies.
You could use this website to find one in your area.

 

Actually, we did it like that for a while. In our joint counseling sessions her doctor said part of the problem is we are in such competition for the other one to do things for each other that we don't care about what the other one even wants. So, he suggested focusing on the other person for a while and everything would improve from there. I have, she hasn't. Oh well.

Duck,

As far as a sex therapist, I am open to anything. I just need to find one.

 

I've been with women, some who had kids and some without kids, from 18 to 50 and I have rarely met one that didn't enjoy GOOD sex.

However, a lot of women (and men) after being married with kids for a while, stop considering their partner a sexual being and only consider them a parent, which fucks their mind up... If that's the case, then you need to remember what you were like when the two of you got together and learn how to seduce your wife again.